Buddhism
"Gimme some inner peace or I'll mop the floor with ya!" - Sarah Palin to the Dalai Lama.
Just The Facts
- Buddhism as traditionally conceived, is a path of salvation attained through insight into the ultimate nature of reality .
- Buddhism has no deities, just common sense and moral decorum. Take that Christianity!
- Buddhim is split into two main branches, Theravada and Mahayana. Shockingly, these branches have not spent the last 500 years slaughtering each other. Zinged again Christianity!
The origins, the eight-fold path, and bed sheets.
DISCLAIMER: It is imporant to note, before men in bath -robes start setting themselves on fire on my front lawn, that I, the author, am in fact a practising Buddhist. I believe that it is essential to find humour in all things in life, even my own faith.
So put the petrol can down.
Someone get this guy a Big Mac!
Siddhartha Guatama was a prince who lived in India around 2,500 years ago. His dad, the king, kept him sheltered within the castle to stop him from realizing how totally fucked the kingdom was. Like all action heros Guatama escaped (I like to envision some kind of Indiana Jones-esque chase scene.) and made his way out into the world. Upon seeing how badly his dad had fucked things up he pledged to become a better, more enlightened man.
So he sat under a tree, and starved himself half to death.
Eventually he caved-in and munched on milk and rice (yummy!). He vowed not to move from under the tree until he achieved enlightenment, or "Nirvana". At the age of 35 he achieved true inner peace and became the Buddha.
Like all celebrities he then embarked on a 45 year promotional tour, teaching the path to enlightenment at county fairs and family BBQ's right up until his death at the age of 80.
The Killer Clergy.
When most people think of clergymen they think of someone like this:
Or maybe this:
But Buddhism is all about perfection of body as well as mind, which has in turn created legion of clergy like this:
and this:
These images alone should be enough to convert people. There are over 40 different martial arts practises within buddhism, the most famous being Shaolin Kung Fu. Children are taught these practises from as young as two years old, many becoming experts by the age of 10. Remember this next time you see your child/sibling smothering themselves in their own poop.
The Eight-fold Path
Unlike the Abrahamic faiths, who use logic such as "do as god says or you'll be in big fucking trouble", Buddhism uses a simple diagram and suggestive text called "The Eight-Fold Path". It goes something like this:
| 1. Right View | Wisdom | |
| 2. Right Intention | ||
| 3. Right Speech | Ethical Conduct | |
| 4. Right Action | ||
| 5. Right Livelihood | ||
| 6. Right Effort | Mental Development | |
| 7. Right Mindfulness | ||
| 8. Right Concentration |
These aren't rules or laws, these are guidelines, suggestions of how to reach enlightenment. No-ones gonna spank you if you break one.
Actually there a lot of demons in Buddhism, like Mara, the demon that tries to prevent Buddha from acchieving Enlightenment. He rides an huge oliphant and a lot of disfigured monsters charge at Buddha. Siddharta doesn't bother with them and reach the Nirvana anyway.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesOnce Buddha and his disciples were flying around and there was this huge divine serpent called Nandopananda which gets pissed off and attack them, so Buddha sends one of his disciples to fight the monster. The guy transphorms himself into an even bigger serpent, and both fight around one sacred mountain.
The disciple uses a lot of his supernatural powers and shapeshifts himself into a bunch of bizarre creatures, then in the final blow he takes the shape of a sacred eagle and defeats Nandopananda.
All of this because Buddha wanted the serpent to apologize.
I think you're confusing Buddhist stories with Buddhism. Making the assumption that there is a belief in demons in Buddhism because there are demons in Buddhist stories is like making the assumption that there is a belief in robots that change into cars in America because they are present in Transformers.
I am Aquafrostsheke & I approve the message STS made.
I am Aquafrostsheke & I approve the message STS made.
"Shockingly, these branches have not spent the last 500 years slaughtering each other. Zinged again Christianity!"
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesActually, I am pretty sure that would describe Islam far better than Christianity. You know, the Sunni and Shiite sects...
Unless you were referring to the Crusades between Islam and Christianity. Then you're just being unfair.
Actually I was referring to the 500 years of conflict between protestants and catholics in britain.
& the fact that every sub-christian group thinks that every other sub-christian group is going to hell besides themselves.
Yeah, it was pretty funny, but tolerance of other beliefs is questionable. 'ZINGED!!!!'