Cows

Even though a topic about toast would have more substance, this topic is about cows. First thing you should know is that this creature is famous for its brilliant camouflage

I'm black&white and where do I choose to stand? In a green field!

See, I'm more interesting than a cow...Wait! What The Hell ARE YOU DOING!!?? AHH!! *Crunch*

Just The Facts

  1. Cows are the source of milk, skin,beef and manure
  2. Products listed in the 1st Fact, can only be obtained with the help of a human being
  3. A cow gives nearly 200,000 glasses of milk in her lifetime
  4. The most expensive cow was actually sold for $1.3 million

The Cow

"Cattle occupy a unique role in human history, domesticated since at least the early Neolithic. They are raised for meat (beef cattle), dairy products and hides. They are also used as draft animals and in certain sports. Some consider cattle the oldest form of wealth, and cattle raiding consequently one of the earliest forms of theft." - Wikipedia

Well cows are like fiddler crabs,only 30 times bigger and dimmer. You might think I'm hyperbolising but the damn things can only go one way and when you try to chase them they run away like an old drunk

-LAPD! Freeze Dirt Bag!

Cows also take part in the egyptian history, they were thought to be the most useful animal of all....I'll try to ignore that statement from now on, because I'm supposed to be right, its my topic!

Lets continue. Egyptians liked cow milk, although it took some time to realize that its milk.

I guess they started suspecting that cows shouldn't ejaculate that often.

They even had a super-hero(goddess) who had a shining ball of light between her horns, and don't worry, no way that's a light bulb for an idea, its the Sun. Hathor the goddess of the Sun, music, dance, sex drugs, and rock'n'roll

And here she is, the fat cow godde....

Well hello!....You wanna blow this Cracked.com stand and get a drink or something?

And also, the cow is famous in india. It was like royalty, and treated with respect. For them the cow was like a mother, who gave milk _insert clever mom joke here_

It's treated with such respect, that McDonalds doesn't even lie about having 100% beef, because the burgers don't actually contain any of it (like they ever did?) instead they chow down on some veggie-chicken-somethingelsehippieswouldlikebutwewouldntbecauseitsucks-butreally burger. The only thing we should hope for, is not getting any dreams involving that abomination of healthy-"unhealthy" food. It even sounds wrong, to change something bad into good, there's a reason why they call it junk food.

The Cow in Public

Cows are sorta popular... right?Well, the word Kobe mean anything to you? Its beef from a Wagyu - a Japanese cow, and its pretty expensive.

Now days, cows have become like royalty, from being an idiotic animal to a superstar, which is close to Paris Hilton but we both know that she might as well be stuck on the first stage. Paris Hilton?...Sorry of topic

What are you looking at pesant?!

When you order a steak or a burger in a descent restaurant, you get to choose the beef, because each of them taste different, and at the top you'll see our rich friend Kobe.

At McDonalds you get a choice of eating a mutant piece of star snot(random disgusting thing). Never be proud of taking a bite out of that, a decent burger will cost you more but at least you wont have to buy a Mccoffin with your Double CheeseBurger, medium fries and a Diet Coke.

This wonderful but idiotic animal is one of the most crucial part of our eating process: its meat, its milk. We cant even imagine a day without a bole of cereal, coffee and just about anything (and the soy milk sucks, i had to drink it for a year).

If cows were ever let go into the wild, the whole species would've probably been extinct, so we are 95% in charge of the products we get from them, because the 5% is for the cow not forgetting how to breather,eat, drink and sleep(lets just hope it wont screw that up) But i think a cow can milk itself, but it doesn't for a perfectly understandable reason.

Cows in Comedy

Well, we here on Cracked have 10s,1000s, god's sake 10000000s of categories of comedy

So, where does the cow step in, I mean literally? In which category would it be correct to place this "special animal" and I definitely mean it in the short-bus kind of way

Well I'm here to inform, that our spotted friend goes into a couple of categories:

Number one: Cow sex

Well it's simple enough to understand, what's funnier than animals having sex? Nothing thats what.
We love watching animals do whacky shit and we definitely love to watch them hump.

But why? Well it looks silly, and we like to imagine them as over-sized humans, or think of them as a couple who're really bad at sex(or maybe really good at it) well,lets not Segway into the "furries" subject but continue talking about comedy... and not hentai

- Oh i remember the good ol'days when me and Sheryl used to party outside...

Number two: The insults progress

What is the shortest insult you can say to a woman without thinking to long? Well bitch is correct, but what about something to actually insult her, for taking the last cream cake(yeah, we know it was you)

- You fat cow!

Easy as 2,3,1. In Russia it is widely used, but not as often as bitch("suka") which is even shorter than cow("korova") so we use our special friends name in cases of obese or plump women, just to point out how much they look alike

....I love exceptions, I really do

Number three: Making fun of their brain wiring

You might be asking yourself what the fuck do i mean by that.

Well i mean, the way god created these creatures, like their abnormal way of running(don't make me tell you who pointed it out, in the BEST way possible)

But that's just part of the river comrad, we also need to look beneath the surface, to see the most talked about hoax involving cows

Cow tipping

It might seem like fun and games, but you honestly think, that YOU all by yourself (and i don't need to point out that you missed the last couple of training sessions, and are gaining some weight) can push a 750 kg cow on its side?

Well go read the topic about LSD if you think its possible, because all those bullshit facts about cows centre of gravity and blah-blah - yeah not true, it might be, but not enough to make you push a stone wall on its back

But nonetheless, you can actually push a cow over with the help of one or more friends, but here's the fun part - they sleep lying down (most of them) so to find a perfectly standing cow you have to be sure that its sleeping, because the next thing you'll be tipping is your "cajones" about 2 miles away form the cow that hoofed you

Let your imagination do the rest - Brought to you by "Google Images"