Creation

Creation is everything you do. Even if you just got a new job with DeathGlobe: Destroyer of Worlds, your new kickass job will still be to create destroyed worlds. But what was the FIRST creation? The answer is simpler than you may think...

No, it isn't.

Just The Facts

  1. The Universe and everything we know (and don't) was created by something at some point, somehow. Probably.
  2. See Fact #1.
  3. See Fact #2. To save time, See Fact #1. To save even more time, just try not to think about it. You are and always will be insignificant.

Creation Approach #1: Religion (AKA - "Guessing")

Cracked has already covered one asinine explanation: Creationism. But what of the underdogs (that is not to say Creationism is the UberDog, but this is just one example of creating a segue)? Since man was first able to look around and go "Huh?", he has tried to explain away the mysteries of the Universe with as much magic, paradoxes, and backwards surrealism as he could muster. Most of these "explanations" can be "explained" with words like "Earth Mother" and "Sky Father" and "Tree Birther," but the really stupid ones use the word "God" a lot.

Dear Ents: Insert woody into the Tree Birther

Dear Ents: Please insert woody into the Tree Birther

The winner of "Worst Guess," though, goes to the Finnish. Ancient Finns believed that the world was created when a bird (pre-world?) was flying over the sea, searching for a place to nest and lay her eggs. She found a small piece of land, layed her egg, and a wave came crashing in and cracked it into pieces. Luckily, the upper part of the egg formed the sky, the yolk became the sun, and the lower part of the egg became the earth. We won't get into the fact that the bird would have had to already be flying in the sky before the sky was created or how the bird would have had to lay its egg on the earth before the earth was created or how there were BIRDS BEFORE THE WORLD EXISTED, because if you don't understand why that's retarded, then you're probably an Ancient Finn.

Creation Approach #2: Science (AKA - "Educated Guessing")

As way too many years went by, a gradually increasing number of humans began to grow weary of having their be-all end-all explanation of the Universe's creation be the equivalent of a Dr. Seuss B-Side (If Dr. Seuss ever released a rock album).

[Rocknilikus Binch and the Grumbleton Splouts, Bloopsy Grink Records, 1984]

The truly terrifying abyss that is the Unknown did not frighten these humans nearly as much as Sky Serpents mating with four-boobed tarantula goddesses did, so they set hard to work. These "scientists" spent years theorizing and equating, and eventually they came up with The Big Bang, which is essentially a Michael Bay wet dream minus the four-boobed tarantula goddess. Really, scientists? An instantaneous and continuous expulsion of ever-expanding energy? Maybe you should recheck some of your equations, because they're full of 311 lyrics.

"Amber is the color of cosmogony... Whoa-oh..."

Science isn't all smoking joints and rap-hopping over some tasty grooves, though. One of the most perplexing questions related to creation is the age-old paradox: Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Can precious science answer that?

Actually, it can (Spoiler Alert: It's "egg"), because the first chicken as we know it would have been a slightly mutated version of an earlier species. Look up "evolution," it's a hoot. So, pre-chicken would have laid an egg and from that egg came the first chicken. Science: 1. Childhood: raped.

Creation Approach #3: Giving Up

Short of inventing time travel, there is literally no way to truly know how the Universe was created. Even if you did go back to the beginning, you'd probably pretty immediately die of exposure, an embolism, asphyxiation, ebullism, or from having your mind FUCKING BLOWN.

Seriously, don't even think about it. You're more likely to figure out how M. Night Shyamalan is still a successful filmmaker.

(in this case, the trick ending is that he shouldn't be)

Other, More Explainable Types of Creation

Creation isn't all brain-melting half-science. Many types of creation are easy to understand and many of those are even easy to do. Here are some fun ways to be creative:

1. Write A Screenplay

Anyone can write a screenplay. Even you! Just pick a catchy title like Saw VII, throw in some super-sexy razor blade huffing, and you've got yourself a hit!

2. Fuck around on Wikipedia

If you're bored and feeling creative, just hop on over to Wikipedia and make some magic happen. Pick an already existing topic and go to town on it or, better yet, make a brand new topic and see if anyone notices! Chances are your page will eventually be removed but don't worry, because you can easily submit it as a Cracked Topics page!

3. Get A Haircut, You Goddamn Hippie!

This may seem more destructive than creative (OMG! Your poor hair!), but just think of it as creating a worthwhile member of society.

4. Procreation

This is the mac daddy of creativity. Seriously, did you know that it's incredibly easy to create a new life? Just ask the bafflingly irresponsible tweens on 16 and Pregnant (abstinence-only education at its best). Once you have all the key components, it's really easy and it only takes about 4 seconds if you do it right. Here is a flowchart to help you along: