Captian Planet

Captain Planet is a super hero ripoff of Superman, and created by Ted Turner to save the world and sell more Atlanta Braves tickets.

If you don't pick up that condom wrapper, I will punch you in the jejunum, whore.

Just The Facts

  1. Captain Planet can be summoned by combining the powers of 5 rings.
  2. The 5 rings were powered by Earth, Fire, Wind, Water, and Heart.
  3. Yes, Heart really makes no sense there.

Captain Planet and The Planeteers

Captain Planet was created by Ted Turner, Robert Larkin III, Barbara Pyle, and Al Gore. Yes, when al Gore wasn't inventing The Internet, and Global Warming, he was also creating TV shows.

The premise of the show is that the world is in peril because the embodiment of earth, Whoopi Goldberg, took a 100 year nap while humans basically killed the planet. As opposed to being mad at herself for catnapping through all kinds of fuckuppery and tapping the snooze bar a few times every time someone set off a nuclear bomb, she got mad at humans for it. Mmm, don't you just love the taste of propaganada being force fed to your childhood mind. She's got a big problem, so naturally, she entrusts teenagers to fix it with magic rings. Not just any teenagers, but ethnic stereotypes, the most powerful teenagers of all.

Clearly this chick has got some issues. For starters, she gave the American, male, gangbanger the power to set things on fire so he can save the world one exploding car after another every time his sports team wins a championship.

The rings contained the powers of Earth, Fire, Wind, Water, and Heart and when combined would summon Captain Deus Ex Machina...i mean, Captain Planet. He had amazing powers of flight, super strength and elemental control and his powers were charged by natural elements. His weakness was pollution, which means he was frequently defeated by plastic six pack holders that were thrown away without being cut. GASP!

Every episode was designed to teach an eco-friendly lesson, like teaching a child to understand that all surfing, southeast asians inherently know how to fly a plane they've never seen before or that guys that look like rats want to give everyone AIDS.

That just goes to show you, that when a bunch of xenophobic destroyers of elastic waist bands are shouted at by a blue skinned, green haired guy in red hot pants and matching baby tee, that they will never again be afraid of AIDS, just this guy...