Medieval Weapons
As a die hard Legend of Zelda fan and Dungeons & Dragons enthusiast, I’ve developed an extreme interest (some might say fetish) involving medieval weapons. In this article I hope to introduce you to the fascinating world of Dark Age war implements
Just The Facts
- Medieval weapons were by definition in use at some time between the year 500 AD and the year 1500 AD, which is when dragons went extinct
- Relics were often carried into medieval battles to give armies a supernatural advantage. Having seen the Ark of the Covenant melt those Nazis at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark, I can totally understand the logic behind that tactic.
- Medieval weapons were difficult to master and becoming skilled in their use required years of practice, patience, and persistence. Knights typically spent over fourteen years in training. Thats eighty two in dog years!
Weapon Types
Swords
When most laypeople think of medieval weaponry, often the first thing that pops into their minds is the classic sword. What those inferior peons fail to realize is that there are many different types of sword. Swords fall into two families: those that require one hand to use and those that require two. There are shortswords, longswords, broadswords, claymores, cutlasses, rapiers, foils, sabers, and my personal favorite, the bastardsword. Like my sister's incredibly annoying delinquent son, the bastardsword doesn't fit into either family. Swords have three basic parts, the scabbard, the blade, and the hilt. The blade is the sharp part, scabbard is the sheath that protects the blade when it's not in use, and the hilt is everything else.
Katanas, I forgot Katanas
Daggers
This pocket sized version of the sword was most often used by sneaky women and small effeminate men. Despite looking like something that would get you laughed off the battlefield, daggers were actually quite useful as a close range weapon for stabbing in between an opponent's pieces of armor.
Hobbits Prefer Daggers
Bows
One of the oldest weapons created by man, the bow is essentially a curvy stick with a string tied to both ends. This string made of animal sinew, plant fibers, or an unholy combination thereof, delivers force to an arrow via Hooke's Law. The further back you pull the string, the more force the bow delivers to the arrow. Bows come in many varieties, but crossbows are arguably the most effective. Crossbows typically use mechanical means to draw the string, resulting in a greater projectile speed than any mere human could possibly produce. I like to think of them as the Dark Age version of the machine gun. They were so effective that church even outlawed their use at one point in history. Crossbows were often viewed as an unfair weapon because a dimwitted crossbowman with little training could easily dispatch a knight who had spent over eighty dog years honing his battle skills. Enormous crossbows were occasionally built to act as a kind of cannon. Insurgent peasants often preferred to use crossbows and weapons fashioned from farm tools to fight off plundering blaggards.
Unskilled Insurgent
Polearms
As mentioned in the previous paragraph, many basic farm tools were fashioned into weapons by peasants attempting to avoid death and rape at the hands of marauding orc hordes. Despite having a name sounding like some sort of terrible 80's horror movie involving a psychotic pirate, polearms were effective weapons that were easily produced. Common polearms include spears, pikes, pitchforks, poleaxes, and a variety of other implements found in the Frankenstein monster's sadomasochistic wet dreams. Basically being hand tools tied to the end of a staff, polearms possessed the dual benefits of increased reach and greater angular swinging speed. If you wanted to knock a knightly noble off his surly stalwart steed, these were certainly the weapons of choice. For peasants that were too poor or primitive to own hand tools, the staff itself could still be used whack people over the head and annoy them slightly.
Not Polearms
Blunt Weapons
Maces, flails, morning stars, warhammers, and clubs all fit into this category. To clarify these terms for some of the ignorant laypeople reading this: morning stars are pretty much malformed medieval baseball bats with rusty nails jutting out from them, maces are heavy spiky things at the end of a short rod, warhammers are big hammers used to hit people, flails are spiky balls attached to a chain, and clubs are what you knuckle dragging savages use to find mates. Most of the weapons in this category weren't necessarily intended to pierce the armor of the victim, rather their primary objective was to shatter bones through blunt force trauma.
I also love flails
Hopefully you enjoyed this basic introduction to medieval weaponry. I'd mention a bit about seige weaponry, but its all basically different variations of the catapult and the trebuchet. If you want to learn more, check out the wikipedia link...theres some cool stuff about armor in there too.
Dear people down there, go read the topic on Boobs. It should help you lighten up. Boobs tend to do that.
ReplyCrossbows were not as effective as the English Longbows. While the longbow was harder to train with, you had to waste time cranking a crossbow to use it. The longbow also had an incredible range effectiveness over the crossbow. By and far, I'd rather have an unit of well trained longbow men than an army of crossbow men.
ReplyThough repeating crossbows would be the fastest firing weapon on earth till the invention of the Gatling gun, with 2 arrows per 3 seconds, while arbalests are accurate up to 900m (by comparison, a longbow has a 200 meter range), and had 2200 Newtons of strength (compared to 700 in an average longbow).
As far as I'm aware, you're incorrect in using the terms 'broadsword', 'foil', and 'cutlass' in regards to medieval weaponry. Those would be more accurately classified as early modern swords, as they didn't come into use until the 17th and 18th centuries - the cutlass perhaps slightly earlier, and the foil a bit later.
ReplySurprisingly accurate for an article on a humor website. only one mistake I noticed was your definition of Morning Star, although their were many types of spiked clubs the morning star was actually a type of mace.
ReplyDespite the bell ends telling you you're wrong I found this article very funny which is far more important then being informative because hey guys, this is a comedy site!
ReplySpears are not polearms, they are a basic cheaply-made thrusting weapon that belongs in a class all of it's own. Shorter spears and javelins along with throwing axes and knives belong to the throwing weapon group. You also forgot to mention the humble yet powerful axe. These were also one handed with a single or double head, and two handed, also with a single or double head. I could go on all day about this stuff, but I haven't the space in this comment to educate you in the ways of old age war.
ReplyI do however have space to call you a creature of trollish descent.
He's not a troll. Just flat out retarded. A normal spear is indeed a pole arm. I have actually studied such warfare. People like you who hate on people while having no knowledge yourself are the worst type of idiot.
I won't lie.
ReplyI clicked this because I saw a naked woman holding a sword in the topics section.
Me too.
Now we're in the middle of a serious debate about Claymores and shit. It's like we walked into a strip club and found a bunch of virgins playing D&D. The disappointment is palpable.
word ^ lol i think most of us did
While I'm at it, the blade the Little Hobbit (or what ever the heck it's called), is not a Dagger, it's a Short sword, more specifically it appears to be a Gladius, a type of Roman short sword (although I'm probably wrong lol). While there has never been set "point" (no pun intended) at which a Dagger becomes a
ReplyShort sword, but it is commonly accepted to be anywhere from 8 and a 12 inchs, which unless that guys just over three feet, that an't the case.
gladius
"...and among them were several swords of various makes, shapes and sizes. Two caught their eyes in particularly because of their beautiful scabbards and jeweled hilts. Gandalf and Thorin each took one of these, and Bilbo took a knife with a leather sheath. It would have made only a small pocketknife for a troll, but it was as good as a short sword for the hobbit."
Yes but actual roman Gladius(es?) were more an in-between of a short sword and a one-handed sword, used for close range combat but also meant to be effective with the large roman shields. Just btw ;)
This is what happens when kids learn about weaponry from D&D games and claim to have knowledge. You are missing several types of swords while repeating sword types that are similar, also the "bastard sword" is generally classified as a long sword, or more accurate a "hand and a half" sword regarding it's ability to be used both single and double handed, two handed swords were rare as a proper sword weighs a great deal. I doubt half of these D&D nerds would be able to pick up a sword with one hand let alone swipe it correctly. Your definition of a crossbow as mechanical force amplification is indicative of a "compound" bow. There was a Chinese crossbow that was almost the ancient equivalent of a machine gun that fired as fast as you could pump it like a shotgun.
Reply Hide All See All 3 Repliesat least you didnt take it too seriously
Well i get all my knowledge from history and using replicas of these weapons but i apply this in D&D... And Bastard swords were generally used with one hand except for exceptionally strong blows.
Yes, because barely more than 2 pounds is a great deal of weight. No, you dumbass, swords aren't heavy at all, and two-handed swords were hardly rare, just confined to specific periods of history and areas. The former Claymore (There being two kinds of sword called a Claymore), German-produced Zweihanders and Kriegsmessers, Katanas and the number of theoretical larger varieties are all two-handed swords.
A mace with spikes was a morningstar. Maces were either totally blunt or had flanges.
ReplyThe definitions are so loose that debating the meaning of war hammer, mace, and morning star becomes a little iffy. the differences between morning star and flail become even more iffy.
that is not a war hammer it is a scythe
Reply Hide All See All 4 Replieswhoa how do i know that
I see how it kind of looks like a scythe, but I'm pretty sure it's a warhammer.
Yup, definitely not a scythe. A scythe would have the handle meet the blade on the end, not in the middle.
Whoah, how did I know THAT?
Ha ha. Epic win.
Actually, it would be more accurate Classified as a "Heavy Pick", or for you laymen, a Modified Pickaxe commonly used by Peasants in war times when they could not afford anything else.
The Pickaxe has a long history, predating writen history, used by farmers mostly to break up hard, dry ground as well as rocks and roots in their field before plowing.
The "Heavy Pick" or "War pick" as some call it (although there is no historical proof of this name being used), was a Modified version of this farming tool, more commonly seen with a longer handle and a heavier head.
Despite the Pickaxe seeming like a strange weapon to carry into a swarm of advancing enemy, it was a surprisingly effective weapon, especially in the hands of a untrained Peasant, who despite most likely never touched a sword in their life, could wield this farming tool with easy.
Not only was the Pick easy to use, extremely cheap compared to conventional weapons such as sword, and fairly common, It was extremely deadly on the battle field. In Practiced hands, a Pick could crush armored opponents with the heavy blunt end, and pierce thick leather and chain-mail armor with pointed end far more effectively than swords.
All in All, the Pickaxe was not only a simple farmers tool in the field, but also a Devastatingly powerful Every-Man's Weapon.
^_^ if I'm facing a armored Knight, screw the Sword, give me a Pick.
This is actually pretty quality for a topic page. Thanks for the good read.
ReplyYou forgot the laziest weapon idea of all; the Meteor Hammer.
Reply"We need a new weapon! Lets tie a strip of leftover leather to a giant iron ball!"
"Brilliant!"
for swords you forgot a zweihander. the epicest sword of em all.
ReplyEr...was this supposed to be funny or informative? Because it f*****g failed at both.
ReplyWas your comment supposed to be scathing or witty? Because it failed at both.
DUDE most of that was awesome! More please! Do siege weaponry and armours and (...yes, I play D&D and this page made my inner geek wet himself.)
ReplyYes, yes, yes...catapults and trebuchets and ballistas, oh my!
f**k you
ReplyI would but I seriously just cut my genitals accidentally. It hurts but it will be fine in a day or two.
the bit about crossbows being "the best medieval bow" is wrong, at the time, everybody feared the longbow, simply because its range was so much greater than the crossbow. After the Welsh beat the english with longbows, the english got some and proved that longbows were better than crossbows by owning the french crossbowmen with longbows.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesYou forgot about how reloading a crossbow takes frikin' forever (Yes, I have used a crossbow, I know how annoying it is) whereas "reloading" a longbow means knocking an arrow and pulling the string back, which, admittedly, is what you do for a crossbow, but doing it on a crossbow is a lot harder.... f*****g crossbows....
Yep, your right. Crossbows were more "Anti Armor" weapons, used to take down heavily armored Knights and their horses at mid range. The problem was, not only where they extremely costly to Make and Maintain, but it took a long time to train soldiers to use them, and even then they were unwieldy in large scale battles. They were mostly used as castle defense and by personal guards to nobles, who often had to fight in range shorter than a traditional bow would allow for.
Yep, your right. Crossbows were more "Anti Armor" weapons, used to take down heavily armored Knights and their horses at mid range. The problem was, not only where they extremely costly to Make and Maintain, but it took a long time to train soldiers to use them, and even then they were unwieldy in large scale battles. They were mostly used as castle defense and by personal guards to nobles, who often had to fight in range shorter than a traditional bow would allow for.
Love the insurgent bit and the line about bastardswords.
ReplyBastardswords...not quite as bad as bitchforks...
Like my sister's incredibly annoying delinquent son, the bastardsword doesn't fit into either family.
ReplyBest line of the whole article