Movies

Since films are the tentpole that holds up our entire modern culture (supplying us with most of our heroes, moral lessons and opportunities to watch robots punching other robots) we inevitably find ourselves in conversation with other movie fans. Many of these fans are impossible to talk to, because they fall into the following categories:

The Foreign Film Purist

Thinks that American artistic sensibilities are inherently flawed. Like their maid Maria, won't watch anything without subtitles. Unlike Maria, has a choice.

The Prophet

They think it's their job to outsmart the screenwriter at every turn. As you sit there, deeply engaged in the movie, it is The Prophet's job to look bored, grumbling about how predictable this shit is. Whenever there is a dramatic beat or turns of events, The Prophet is known to roll his eyes and say "called it."

The Film Student

Owns a video camera, wants to go to film school or is already there, and holy shit do they love to talk about it. Will join any conversation about any movie and casually throw in technical terms to show off his knowledge of the medium. While you're talking about how awesome the character or story was, they're talking about how much the sound mixing sucked.

The Old-Timer

This isn't necessarily an old guy. Like the kid who discovered classic rock in middle school, followed swiftly by classical music, this is anyone who insists that modern movies ain't got nothing on cinema's Golden Age.

The Tech Geek

Is obsessed with watching every movie in a level of clarity not even the filmmakers have seen it in. Somehow manages to turn every conversation into a discussion of his home theater set-up. For ever minute spent watching film, they have spent two hours messing with cables.

The Deconstructionist

LIke a crazy person who loves his bunny so much he decides to take it apart to see how it works. This person can't simply enjoy movies for what they are, but must examine the motive behind every single choice the filmmakers made. Employs useless Philosophy degree on movie nights by lecturing fellow viewers about layers of subtext and symbolism that almost certainly aren't there.

The English Student

Is a little too proud of those English Lit classes he took at community college. Lives to tell everyone why "the book was better."

Indie-ana Douche

Lives by a strict critical code. If a movie costs more than a million dollars to make, it's a piece of worthless commercial trash. Insists that real drama must involve a transgender/alcoholic/boring protagonist played by Philip Seymour Hoffman/William H. Macy/Parker Posey whose inability to achieve success as a writer/parent/human being leads to suicide/overdose/other method of dying alone.

The Trivia-Night Champion

Has read extensively on film; uses this acquired knowledge to show off during movie night. Points out the little facts that no one besides him cares about.