John Stamos

John Stamos is a Greek-American actor who has appeared in everything from awful soap operas to awful sitcoms to awful TV movies. He may not be the best of actors, but dammit, he's our Uncle Jesse and we love him all the same.

It may be dated, but that mullet is the source of his terrible, god-like strength.

Just The Facts

  1. John Stamos is an actor most known for his many roles on television as a bad boy rebel and as a bad boy rebel with a mullet.
  2. He is also the monster responsible for forcing America to endure eight fucking seasons of Full House, a show about three middle-aged bachelors and the teenage girls they live with.
  3. He is an avid collector of Disneyland memorabilia.
  4. In high school, he narrowly beat fellow classmate, Cinnamon J. Scudworth, for the title of prom king.
  5. He once appeared on an Australian talk show while hopped up on sleeping pills and repeatedly accused a critic of having a small penis.
  6. Wait. He's an avid collector of Disneyland memorabilia? Really?

Early Years

At the age of four, Stamos was playing (or whatever approximation of that a four year old can manage) the drums, saxophone, and triangle. Later, he formed a band with the aspiring name of “Destiny”. Despite having Stamos at the helm as leading vocalist and triangle player, the band only ever managed to play local gigs at amusement parks and bat mitzvahs. While that doesn’t sound too impressive, it becomes much more so when you point out that he was only thirteen at the time, according to Yahoo TV. Unless that’s completely wrong and he was, in fact, nineteen as Wikipedia says. Then it just goes back to being kind of sad. But, we can’t all be Anvil.

Being a man of many talents, Stamos also enjoyed putting on magic and puppet shows. You read that right. He’s a magician and a puppeteer.

My other diagram included a mime.
The most perplexing Vinn diagram ever.


Stamos won “Most Exciting New Actor” and “Favorite Elvis Impersonation” for his roles on General Hospital and Full House, respectively. With the somewhat abstract/oddly specific nature of those awards, it’s apparent that the committees responsible pick people to award first and reasons to do so second. Making them, in essence, awards for simply being John Stamos.

After his role on Full House, he tried to prove himself as a more serious actor, shying away from roles that were anything like “Uncle Jesse” even though the role totally scored him a sweet guest appearance on Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper!

Stamos starred in several of his own television shows which were quickly and mercilessly cancelled, guest-starred on Friends (but only later on when the show was bad. Comparatively, I mean) and appeared in a few made-for-TV movies including “Wedding Wars” where he starred as Shel, a gay wedding planner. He stated the role reflected his support for same-sex marriage and intense need for a paycheck. Oh, you’ll do anything for that next fix of sweet, sweet Disneyland memorabilia and it never comes cheap.

In 2006, he landed his first big role since Full House, a decade later. Stamos joined the cast of ER in the 13th season as a series regular. The very same show that launched the careers of Julianna Margulies (The Vagina Monologues, Snakes on a Plane, Dinosaur) and acting legend, George Clooney (Batman and Robin). He played Tony Gates, bad boy rebel (no mullet) paramedic and later doctor, a man known for getting into fist fights, performing unexpected acts of heroism, and being involved in dramatic, complicated relationships. The role would finally showcase Stamos’ range and true skill as an actor and be a landmark, defining achievement for his career.

Except then the show ended two seasons later in classic “show starring John Stamos” fashion.

Personal Life

Stamos also has a reputation for being something of a ladies’ man (again, have to point out: puppeteer!) dating a series of really hot chicks including Krista Allen, Lori Loughlin, and Demi Moore who, once marrying Ashton Kutcher, disproved the long-held belief that over time, women begin to value personality and sense of humor over good looks and ability to do a keg stand. Hang in there, frat boys!

He also dated Paula Abdul for a brief time and blamed the cause of their break-up on media interference. That and not, you know, her being a drug-addled loon.

In 1998, Stamos married lingerie-model Rebecca Romijn.  She then landed her first film roles in X-Men (2000) and X2: X-Men United (2003) as Mystique, a role in which her performance is only subtly overshadowed by the fact that she spends both films naked and covered in blue paint. In 2004, Romijn and Stamos announced their separation and subsequently divorced in 2005. Probably because she was tired of him failing even more than she was.

Stamos is scheduled to receive a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame in 2009. It is scheduled to be destroyed to make way for a fire hydrant in 2010.