Skateboard Safety

In the absence of decent wars or the chance of starving to death, humanity found another way to thin the idiot teenager herd: skateboards.

Just The Facts

  1. 62 percent of skateboarders are underage boys (rising to 100 percent if you include mental age).
  2. Skateboarders are the only group in existence to view security guards as an actual threat.
  3. Skateboarding is now so "rebellious" that Tony Hawk was allowed a run through the White House. You couldn't be less anti-authority without reinstating slavery.

The Origin Of Skateboarding

Skateboarding, first known as "sidewalk surfing", split off from surfing when people decided it would be much more fun if you lost a layer of skin and a joint every time you screwed up. Or at least, it would be more fun if all the newbies did that instead of clogging up the beach. This means skateboarders were outwitted by surfer dudes, a feat thought medically impossible by anyone still breathing.

The sport enjoyed a brief period of being totally radical in the 80s. It may also have been tubular.

Useful Skateboarding

The ONLY over-20 skateboarder we wouldn't call an asshole (to his face, anyway).

The US Military did try to find a use for skateboarders with the Urban Warrior '99 project, stating that they were useful "for maneuvering inside buildings in order to detect tripwires and sniper fire." In other words, the Marines wanted to herd skateboarders into enemy territory to get blown up and shot, instead of useful people.