Jason Bourne

Those of us who aspire to be an undercover government spy based on the last Bond movie, may realize that Bond's lifestyle may be too rich for our taste, that's when we turn to Jason Bourne.

Bond drives an Aston Martin, Bourne can make do with this. Fact.
Bond drives an Aston Martin, Bourne can make do with this. Fact.
No $5000 suits here, Boune's dress code was made for us on
No $5000 suits here, Boune's dress code was made for us on "Main Street"
Who wants two whiney bitches anyways...pssh, not us...
Who wants two whiney bitches anyways...pssh, not us...

Just The Facts

  1. James Bond remembers to have his martinis shaken, not stirred. Jason Bourne has never had a martini, he's a SOCO type of guy anyway.
  2. James Bond is suave and sophisticated. Jason Bourne punches people in the face. You can do it too.
  3. James Bond has a license to kill. Jason Bourne does not, but kills people anyway. Besides the license is friggin expensive.
  4. James Bond drives an Aston Martin. Jason Bourne drives whatever piece of junk he can find. He seems to only find junk, all the time though. Kind of like when you look in your driveway.
  5. James Bond's pen doubles as a grenade. Jason Bourne's pen doubles as a pen. Both are equally deadly. We don't need no fancy gadgets.

Cracked on Jason Bourne

James Bond drives a pimped out Aston Martin that costs more than all the cars Bourne has ever driven combined, has beautiful women in his bed all the time, has the best weapons, the coolest gadgets and a suits that we could sell to pay off those damn college loans, but who needs that. Bourne gives us without the financial leverage the hope that we too can become ass kicking, physics defying super government agents. Sure, we would have to teach ourselves how to disarm a man with our dicks being the only thing not tied up, but hey, we can't afford any fancy training. Boune is what I like to call, the "Joe Sixpack" of spies, we can all relate to his story (sort of...). Screw fabulous women and dream cars, Jason Bourne is our little reminder that we all have what it takes to be BAMF government agent...even though we can't pay the rent and the collection agencies keep calling.

The Movies

Jason Bourne was originally conceived by author Robert Ludlum during the peak of Cold War paranoia. However, because they were novels, and novels are inherently boring (because they are full of words and stuff), it was a matter of time before they made a movie (and not a TV movie either).

Thus, in 2001, Hollywood decided to reinvent the character from vengeful CIA intelligence analyst to vengeful CIA ass-kicker. Having taken that liberty, the producers decided that about 99% of the novel's content would be scrapped, essentially leaving the book's title and Bourne's memory loss intact. Then, instead of picking a middle-aged, grizzled actor, they selected the thin, blond, boyish-looking guy from Good Will Hunting. All the signs pointed to a massive load of unwatchable suckage.

But no. The first movie, The Bourne Identity, was a shot-in-the-arm for the fading spy genre that had gone so awry, no thanks to the likes of Austin Powers. Identity kept things simple: a likeable, silent hero, a plausible plot, exciting car chases, and baddies getting punched and shot. Before long, a second movie was in production and the original director, Doug Liman, was replaced by some long-haired British dude who once made a movie about Ireland.