World War 2

World War 2, the ultimate tale of good vs evil (except LOTR) and a lesson in not listening to little shouty men.

Just The Facts

  1. World War - Volume II tied up all the loose ends of WWI in spectacularly dramatic style
  2. It started in 1939 and ended in 1945, longer than the original
  3. It's difficult to make jokes out of something so horrific, so bear with us.
  4. No, wait - France!

Cracked on World War 2

Cracked is, as expected, obsessed with World War 2. Why? Here's a sample:

Three out of five of the real life soldiers more badass than Rambo starred in WW2.

Four out of the seven insane attempts to weaponise animals was conducted during WW2.

A suspected anti-Christ was a soldier in WW2 and later went on to become US President, although this says more about the US than it does about World War.

Out of the ten most bizarre military experiments, six started during the WW2 years.

And there are some things we can still love and enjoy thanks to the Nazis.

Because of posters like this:

Like duh

But let's be serious for a moment. War is a serious business, so let's just lay down this basic truth: The good guys won guys, c'mon stop messing around. For example, look what could have happened.

The Enemy

Not only did the good guys win, but we won fair and square. The bad guys however were totally fucking sick.

kitten

Awww, look at that. Wait, is that a grenade?

The leaders of Germany at the time were actually self-confessed Nazis, you know, the sick guys you learnt about in school. Why the German people decided to vote Nazis into power is beyond the understanding of the rest of the world and is still heavily debated. One argument is that the Nazis had really cool uniforms and their boots made a nice sound when marching across gravel. The other argument is that the Nazis advocated a form of National Socialism, which is like socialism but with a national element. They, along with the Japanese and we suppose Italy were the enemy.

Gay...

Italy was on Germany's side and was quite probably the worst ally ever. First they invaded France at the same time as Germany and did badly. Then they invaded Greece and did even worse. They also invaded North Africa and were defeated. Mussolini got captured by his own countrymen. Italy was invaded and finally surrendered after having only a negative affect on the Nazis' overall strategy.

hitler muss

The Japanese didn't really have anything in common with the Germans except for megalomania, a culture that was war-like and a leader who was short with a little mustache.

Tojo

The Japanese are now thankfully quite placid (when it comes to war anyway). But after their attack on Pearl Harbour (Dec 6th 1941) they scared the shit out of everyone. Seriously, when the Japanese put their mind to something, there's no telling what can be achieved. So when total war was declared on the richest nation in the world, you know they fucking meant it. This would explain why, several years later there were still Japanese soldiers on remote islands who refused to follow the rest of their country and surrender. In fact, the Japanese hated surrender so much that the USA decided that the only way of defeating them, whilst avoiding the catastrophic loss of human life that would result from an invasion, was to drop these funny looking bombs on two of their cities. The bombs were called Little Boy and Fat Man which nowadays seems shockingly glib.

Yeah, but seriously guys, did you want anyone to think you were the good guys?

The Good Guys

OK, we take back what we said earlier about the good guys being, well good guys - the good guys included those godless Commies, and they were totally fucking sick too.

hippies

Fucking goddamn commie tree-hugging hippies

However, it would be worth your while not taking the piss out of country formerly known as The Soviet Union. Despite actually ending up on the winning side (yes ending up, not starting) they took a thorough beating. Much of this beating was due to the Nazi invasion of 1941, but accolades have to be given to Stalin and his Chiefs of Staff for having little to no regard at all for the lives of their countrymen and women. This may have also had something to do with the rabid fervour with which the Russians defended their motherland from the Nazis, which makes for some staggering reading. Yep, while everyone else has been calling it World War 2, the Russians call it The Great Patriotic War, which is a little more personal and worrying.

The British did very well in the war against the Nazis, considering every fucker else had decided to err on the side of genocidal tyranny and surrender to the Axis.

winston

There was a period during the war when the British had no idea what the hell to do since Germany had basically occupied the whole of Europe. There was a sigh of relief when the Axis took the fight to North Africa and opened up another front there. Then there was a whoop of joy when they realised that it was the Italians who started it. Then it was a waiting game until D-Day, and in the meantime the British and Americans kept themselves amused by bombing the fuck out of Germany.

odd

Na fuck it, let's lose

The USA entered the war when Japan bombed Pearl Harbour. That was all the sleeping giant that was the US economy needed, and shortly afterwards Roosevelt made a mass declaration of war against Japan, Germany and Italy and any fucker else who looked at him funny. Then began a hard-fought campaign in the Pacific against the Japanese, slowly beating them back, island to island, from Papua New Guinea all the way home.

The US also fought in North Africa, Italy and France following D-Day. In fact, judging by most films made about the period, there was no other nation fighting the war by 1944.

no

No, you can't beat the Axis if you get VD

The French totally dropped the ball, bent down to pick it up and got shafted from behind by the barrels of a thousand German panzers. And that's all there is to say about the French.

laughing

Above: The Nazis entering Paris

We don't want to be too unfair to the French however, since there was a general understanding that the reason they capitulated so easily was they knew they kind of deserved it because of their treatment of Germany after WWI. That being said, there was fierce resistance within German occupied France that was aided and abetted by the Allies. Unfortunately, many of these resistants were captured and shot as terrorists thanks to their insistence on wearing a give-away beret wherever they went.

speak

Seriously, we can't get enough of these posters

Final Test

war quiz

Keep Mum

For those of you offended because your little bit of WW2 that you are totally obsessed with didn't make the Cracked cut, remember the advice drilled into every citizen in the war:

poster

Seriously.