World War 2
World War 2, the ultimate tale of good vs evil (except LOTR) and a lesson in not listening to little shouty men.
Just The Facts
- World War - Volume II tied up all the loose ends of WWI in spectacularly dramatic style
- It started in 1939 and ended in 1945, longer than the original
- It's difficult to make jokes out of something so horrific, so bear with us.
- No, wait - France!
Cracked on World War 2
Cracked is, as expected, obsessed with World War 2. Why? Here's a sample:
Three out of five of the real life soldiers more badass than Rambo starred in WW2.
Four out of the seven insane attempts to weaponise animals was conducted during WW2.
A suspected anti-Christ was a soldier in WW2 and later went on to become US President, although this says more about the US than it does about World War.
Out of the ten most bizarre military experiments, six started during the WW2 years.
And there are some things we can still love and enjoy thanks to the Nazis.
Because of posters like this:
Like duh
But let's be serious for a moment. War is a serious business, so let's just lay down this basic truth: The good guys won guys, c'mon stop messing around. For example, look what could have happened.
The Enemy
Not only did the good guys win, but we won fair and square. The bad guys however were totally fucking sick.
Awww, look at that. Wait, is that a grenade?
The leaders of Germany at the time were actually self-confessed Nazis, you know, the sick guys you learnt about in school. Why the German people decided to vote Nazis into power is beyond the understanding of the rest of the world and is still heavily debated. One argument is that the Nazis had really cool uniforms and their boots made a nice sound when marching across gravel. The other argument is that the Nazis advocated a form of National Socialism, which is like socialism but with a national element. They, along with the Japanese and we suppose Italy were the enemy.
Gay...
Italy was on Germany's side and was quite probably the worst ally ever. First they invaded France at the same time as Germany and did badly. Then they invaded Greece and did even worse. They also invaded North Africa and were defeated. Mussolini got captured by his own countrymen. Italy was invaded and finally surrendered after having only a negative affect on the Nazis' overall strategy.
The Japanese didn't really have anything in common with the Germans except for megalomania, a culture that was war-like and a leader who was short with a little mustache.
The Japanese are now thankfully quite placid (when it comes to war anyway). But after their attack on Pearl Harbour (Dec 6th 1941) they scared the shit out of everyone. Seriously, when the Japanese put their mind to something, there's no telling what can be achieved. So when total war was declared on the richest nation in the world, you know they fucking meant it. This would explain why, several years later there were still Japanese soldiers on remote islands who refused to follow the rest of their country and surrender. In fact, the Japanese hated surrender so much that the USA decided that the only way of defeating them, whilst avoiding the catastrophic loss of human life that would result from an invasion, was to drop these funny looking bombs on two of their cities. The bombs were called Little Boy and Fat Man which nowadays seems shockingly glib.
Yeah, but seriously guys, did you want anyone to think you were the good guys?
The Good Guys
OK, we take back what we said earlier about the good guys being, well good guys - the good guys included those godless Commies, and they were totally fucking sick too.
Fucking goddamn commie tree-hugging hippies
However, it would be worth your while not taking the piss out of country formerly known as The Soviet Union. Despite actually ending up on the winning side (yes ending up, not starting) they took a thorough beating. Much of this beating was due to the Nazi invasion of 1941, but accolades have to be given to Stalin and his Chiefs of Staff for having little to no regard at all for the lives of their countrymen and women. This may have also had something to do with the rabid fervour with which the Russians defended their motherland from the Nazis, which makes for some staggering reading. Yep, while everyone else has been calling it World War 2, the Russians call it The Great Patriotic War, which is a little more personal and worrying.
The British did very well in the war against the Nazis, considering every fucker else had decided to err on the side of genocidal tyranny and surrender to the Axis.
There was a period during the war when the British had no idea what the hell to do since Germany had basically occupied the whole of Europe. There was a sigh of relief when the Axis took the fight to North Africa and opened up another front there. Then there was a whoop of joy when they realised that it was the Italians who started it. Then it was a waiting game until D-Day, and in the meantime the British and Americans kept themselves amused by bombing the fuck out of Germany.
Na fuck it, let's lose
The USA entered the war when Japan bombed Pearl Harbour. That was all the sleeping giant that was the US economy needed, and shortly afterwards Roosevelt made a mass declaration of war against Japan, Germany and Italy and any fucker else who looked at him funny. Then began a hard-fought campaign in the Pacific against the Japanese, slowly beating them back, island to island, from Papua New Guinea all the way home.
The US also fought in North Africa, Italy and France following D-Day. In fact, judging by most films made about the period, there was no other nation fighting the war by 1944.
No, you can't beat the Axis if you get VD
The French totally dropped the ball, bent down to pick it up and got shafted from behind by the barrels of a thousand German panzers. And that's all there is to say about the French.
Above: The Nazis entering Paris
We don't want to be too unfair to the French however, since there was a general understanding that the reason they capitulated so easily was they knew they kind of deserved it because of their treatment of Germany after WWI. That being said, there was fierce resistance within German occupied France that was aided and abetted by the Allies. Unfortunately, many of these resistants were captured and shot as terrorists thanks to their insistence on wearing a give-away beret wherever they went.
Seriously, we can't get enough of these posters
Final Test
Keep Mum
For those of you offended because your little bit of WW2 that you are totally obsessed with didn't make the Cracked cut, remember the advice drilled into every citizen in the war:
Seriously.
Wrong.
ReplyThe US fought in North Africa and Italy BEFORE D-Day, not after. The American military was painfully green, so we basically used North Africa as a way for the ridiculously young soldiers to get combat experience. We then hop-skotched up through Italy and Sicily, whooping some serious ass, until finally launching the largest invasion in the history of the f*****g world!
Your welcome.
Shhhh! The enemy is listening!
No mention on how the majority of Germans and German military members weren't Jew hating, baby killing fascists?
ReplyPeople forget that all the time. As if Germany was filled exclusively with evil.
Can i just clear up that it was Australian army RESERVISTS who took back Papua New Guinea along the Kokoda track.
ReplyYes, there are a few things left out like the French army, led by charles de gaulle nearly cutting off and surrounding the Germans as they blitzkrieged their way into france, and the frogs were using antiquated WWI tanks to do the job! Also one point usually overlooked would be the "vichy" french, a sort of "free-french" force in north africa and southern france that couldn't really be bothered to choose sides against the nazis that were laying waste to their homeland.
ReplyYou think that's what Vichy France was? No, it was a collaborative government with the Nazis. Every history teacher you ever had just killed themselves.
Did you get that from a Revisionist French Textbook? Vichy France sent citizens to fight for the German Army and rounded up Jews to be murdered. They were a Fascist French government set up by the NAZIs.
The Free French forces you're talking about were mainly people from French Colonies in Africa and Asia who were whitewashed from French History after they served their usefulness.
I dunno what's funnier, the article or the few historical(hysterical?) revisionists that commented.
Replyit's your mom, it's always been your mom and always will be your mom, never forget that.
Proppy knows what he's talking about. Heed him well.
The funniest bit about this is the image 'dude get off my side'. The only winner; Audie Murphy.
ReplyDamn limey, keep your superfluous letters out of American locations! The target on December 7 was called Pearl Harbor! Also my comment up to now has been a joke, repeat, totally a joke, and will be until the next sentence.
ReplyWith the exception of some minor points, this is a great topic.
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Am I the only one who noticed that they said the attack on Pearl Harbor was on December 6th and not 7th? That's kind of a BIG typo, for such a well documented event. Just sayin'.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesMaybe not everyone is from the U S of A?
Shit. One day. f**k PEOPLE GET IT TOGETHER HERE
But since it is a name, that is how it is spelled (no 'u') it is not variable in proper nouns
Nederlanders strijd tegen het Bolsjewisme!
ReplyJammer dat men het verschil tussen: Dutch>German, Niederlandisch>Deutsch, Nederlands>Duits niet kent.
Nu staat er een foute poster tussen die het doet lijken of Nederlanders vrijwillig nazi's waren.
Translate that Bitchezz.
dont need to. we won.
He said "the Dutch struggled against Bolshevism. And it's too bad we don't know the difference between (blah blah languages)." And apparently "one of the posters is Dutch volunteers, not Germans."
I was thinking, the official propaganda about WW2 could certainly be all fake, in that no US cities were ever attacked, at least not in any verifiable way, since hawaii is halfway to japan and while it's certainly possible japan attacked hawaii, it's also possible that the attack never happened and was propaganda to cover world conquest, after which a lot of new rules and barriers were constructed and much more propaganda dispersed. The timing on the normandy invasion, in which the USA landed on the closest part of europe to our east coast, and then swept across leaving "democratic" governments in their wake...
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesI don't even want to imagine what you're suggesting here.
If Pearl Harbor was never attacked, youre telling me that Ben Affleck is untrustworthy? I just cant get behind that.
I just became dumb.
great theory.... except my grandfather used to tell me about the crazy s**t he saw.
oh, and you're an idiot.
You're kidding right? For fucks sake!!! you must be joking.
Three things, the pearl harbor is fake s**t is stupid, we didn't hit the closest point to our coast, we hit the closest point to Dover, and when we hit normandy, we hit the farthest point in normandy. Oh and another thing, theres this new craze out you should really try, its called grammer.
You were fair to the french which is commendable, and pretty right on about everything expect the Germans. You mentioned declaring war on the biggest economic pwerhouse man has ever known. did you happen to forget that directly prior to WWII the U.S.A was in the great depression. Also you criticize the german military for their tactics but you have the luxury of hindsight. Anyone in HItlers position would have amde the same decisions, because they seemed to be right or made sense at the time. For example no one could have known that Mussolini was actually a cartoon character and was going to suck big time.
ReplyDecent points, however:
Objectively speaking, you could have predicted the failure of Germany by declaring War on both the Soviet Union and the USA simpyl because their GDPs were vastly superior to their own. Even without US help, the Soviet Union would (and did) destroy the the German army simply because they had a bigger population and industries and resources that was truly gigantic. Fair enough, had Germany achieved operation Barbarossa there was a fair chance they could have won, IF a third of the German army wasn't already deployed all over Europe.
And as for Mussolini, again, one could have known that Italy was in no shape for war without knowing that Mussolini was a complete numpty anyway. It was all smoke and mirrors that someone like Hitler and his party should have seen through.
im sure there was something to do with a boat or some kind of unnecessary attack from the U.S that provoked the attack on pearl harbor. just pointing that out cause referred to the US as the sleeping giant, just wanted to help. gd topic tho, not too offensive for what it is.
ReplyActually the U.S. held a lot of colonies in the pacific that the Japanese wanted. They wanted to expand what they called their "sphere of influence." This included the Philippines and other small island colonies. They knew in order to have a fighting chance in such an oceanic war, they would have to neutralize our navy. Most of the ships in said navy were stationed in Pearl Harbor. The most we did was place embargoes on them when they fucked up China. Then they came to the U.S. claiming friendship, and shortly thereafter took a massive s**t on us. Although it was not supposed to be a surprise attack. They were supposed to let us know hours before they attacked that they were going to f**k our s**t up, but the message they sent didn't reach us quick enough. And before people go saying the message got there and was ignored, it wouldn't have mattered because they would have still attacked, and we would have still gotten into the war.
Adding to deadrat, calling the US the sleeping giant is a reference to what the japanese emperor (or admiral/captain, i forgot) said after the attack.
Russia did the most work in WW2.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesTruth. Well in Europe at least.
In Europe AND overall
True, no mater who the nazis conquered, they would eventualy get royaly boned by Russia. Germanys defeat clock started ticking the second they failed to take stalingrad.
Nice topic page, of course you can't write about ww2 without a shitstorm, I had a few problems with some of the statements but surely those things will be discussed and flamed about in the following comments. Anyway, good topic page and remember that the Axis was defeated by two superpowers along with their allies.
ReplyAnd yes, Italy was a joke.
Thank you for the topic, I thought it was great. Actually I like most of your topics. WELL DONE SIR.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesAlso, gotta say people- shut the f**k up please. At the very least, consider this man's massive balls for taking on possibly the most intimidating topic. (at least, intimidating if you find floods of "UR DOING IT WRONG" and "FUCKING AMERICA f**k YEAH/FUCKING AMERICA f**k NO" comments intimidating.)
Uh sure...I give the author a lot of respect...for having the balls to post something that he knows absolutely nothing about. While some would mock someone like that, I admire the naivety of someone who doesn't realize that they don't know what the f**k they're talking about.
Coming from someone who hasn't written a topic, "writing about something they know nothing about" is a reflexive statement.
Yes, he clearly knows absolutely nothing about World War 2 at all, not even a little bit. Good thing we have SeanKlapperich here to save us all from complete ignorance.
Well done everyone who has commented for being able to tell everyone else how much more about World War 2 you know than has been written on this quick-fire comedy topic page. I can hear the ladies' knickers hit the floor as I type.
ReplyWhere'd this guy learn history, COD?
ReplyLOL
You know this is for humor purposes right? Like, you don't have to apply any sort of academic aspect to this at all, you just have to laugh, it's ok, it's funny.
ReplyOK, first off, the Nazi party was a bunch of pricks. Why did the German people vote for them? Because they offered a good solution to the crumbled economy due to the ridiculous amount of money Germany had to pay after WW1.
ReplySecond: This article is biased, there were no good guys and no bad guys, the allies did horrible war crimes but since the winners write the history most of those are overlooked.
We all know the Nazi war crimes. If you want to see the three biggest allied war crimes look up the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings and how Dresden was treated.
Yes, the Americans saved the allies but only because of the attack on Pearl harbour. If that wouldn't have happened, the USA would have not done a thing.
Otherwise a decent topic page.
And to think, people were going to use this page to write their thesis.