Celebrity Baby Names

1. Celebrities read the same baby name books as the rest of us.  

2. They do this to ensure that they don't accidentally give their child a real name.  

3. Despite a seemingly endless supply of words that children shouldn't be named, the worst celebrity baby names all fall into four oddly specific categories.

Meaning:  You want your child to remember that life is supposed to be fun. This name will be there to remind them when they're grown-ups with full time jobs fighting evil with their giant arm canons/pony magic. 

 What most celebrities expect to emerge from their partner's/own vagina during labor. 

#3. Inanimate Objects

Blue Angel

Apple

Brooklyn / Bronx (Any geographical location in New York City will do)

Denim

Rocket

Camera *

Banjo *

Meaning:  You find beauty in the simplicity of everyday objects, but lack the vision to imagine those everyday objects transforming into awesome robots.

*There has been some debate over these two names with revisionists arguing that Banjo and Camera could totally be Transformers. Some etymologists have argued for a fifth, hybrid category:

#4. Names that are oddly appropriate for cartoon characters that only exist in your head

Max Lyron- If Voltron had an awkward Clark Kent-style alter ego.

Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily- A Native American princess who was named for the first thing she saw while hallucinating on her vision quest. Her vision was of a failed 1997 brainstorming session to name the next Herbal Essences shampoo.

Moxie CrimeFighter- Inspector Gadget's lesser known lesbian niece who always had a crush on Penny.

Tu Morrow -  Time traveling back-up dancer from M.C. Hammer's Saturday morning cartoon Hammer Man.

Seven Sirius- The Hindu warrior God secretly worshiped by the peasants in the He-Man universe. 

 Meaning:  You are fucking crazy.

The Part Where An Actual Celebrity Gets Angry At Us

Cracked.com featured a list of the 20 Worst Celebrity Baby Names in January of 2008. Penn Jillette was awarded the third spot for naming his daughter after the imaginary crime fighting cartoon lesbian in his mind, and welcomed the honor by lashing out at Cracked.com on his infamous (that means not famous, right?) video blog "Penn Says."

Mr. Jillette's argument seems to be that author Dave Imboden's parents are unoriginal for giving their son an already existing name.

The Part Where We Call Said Celebrity On Their, Ahem, Bullshit

Strangely, Mr. Jillette's spontaneous  tirade on the topic of originality was an almost word for word transcript of an email he had sent The New York Times two years before, right down to the bizarre rage he directs at the name "Dave." It's unclear from the video if he had the email on a teleprompter in front of him at the time of his rant, though it's been suggested (most notably by us, right now) that Mr. Jillette wrote a bunch of material on why the name Dave sucks before the birth of his daughter, and actually gave her a retarded name to give him an excuse to deliver it. 

A Possible Hidden Category

Holding down the #1 spot on that list was Jermaine Jackson, who named his daughter "Jermajesty," a phonetic spelling of what it might sound like if his brother Michael tried to sing the phrase "your majesty" on the Bad album (see  "Joo know it" at the end of "Man in the Mirror" and  "Joe more," indiscriminately shouted on pretty much every song).

While we recognize that this name doesn't cohere to any of our four categories, it's also important to note that we have no way of knowing what other celebrities' brothers would have sounded like singing the phrase "your majesty" on "Bad." Therefore, we can't rule this out as a hidden fifth category.

Instead of a Saturday guest column this week, we're doing a topics page to make sure you know about the weekly topics page contest. Every Friday, we'll be featuring our favorite pages on Cracked.com next to DOB's column. If you're funny and have something to say about, well ... literally anything in the world, that's seriously all it takes. Go here to find out how to turn a dozen sentences and a photoshop into internet fame, and cold hard cash.