Chainmail
Chainmail is an ancient form of armour, popular throughout history with mighty warriors and nerds
Just The Facts
- Chainmail has existed since at least the 4th century BC
- Chainmail is almost impossible to penetrate with cutting or piercing weapons
- Being surrounded by thousands of metal rings that can stop a sword is bitchin cool!
- Two words: Chainmail. Bikinis.
- Chainmail is a cheap, highly effective means of protection against zombie bites
History of chainmail
Chainmail has been around since at least the 4th century B.C. where it was used by the Celts, who are well known for their badassery. The Romans encountered it fighting the Gauls in Cisalpine Gaul and decided "Holy crap, we need to make this stuff standard issue for all our soldiers!" at which point chainmail became the armor of choice for the Legions for several centuries.
Chainmail was the most popular form of armor in the West right up until the 13th Century when platemail began to take over. Even though platemail was more popular, people still wore chainmail underneath it to cover vital areas for when fucking platemail failed! If something is awesome enough to be used as backup protection for solid metal plates, it's got to have an awesomeness level of at least 7 or 8 out 10.
Making Chainmail
Making chainmail is a gruelling, time consuming process. Assuming you have a whole pile of rings ready, the process for chainmailing is as follows:
Step 1: Open a ring.
Step 2: Loop that ring through several others.
Step 3: Close ring.
All in all, the process for a single, unwelded/unriveted ring can take between 5 and 7 seconds. This might not sound like much, but when you realize that a single piece of armour can contain more than 30,000 rings you begin to see what a mind numbingly drawn out process chainmailing is. Only the most masochistic or obsessive person should undertake a large-scale project, and only the most insane of people would ever want to work on this as a full-time job. Seriously, don't do it. You'll end up like an obsessive MMORPG player, except even they would mock you for the way you spend your time. If you want a suit of armour, for the love of coffee, buy it from a professional. You can take the hours of your life you would have sunk into opening and closes tiny metal rings and apply them to writing a book, solving world hunger, or (most likely) playing video games and eating junk food.
Chainmail in the modern age
Due largely in part to the lack of sword-wielding bandits and the invention of firearms (which treat most ancient body armour the same way a stalker treats a restraining order) chainmail has fallen out of favour as a form of personal protection. However, in recent decades chainmail has seen a resurgence of popularity in the form of costumes and jewellery, which is a massive drop in manliness levels from the days when it was all that stood between a soldier and sword-induced-death.
By far the greatest form chainmail has taken in the modern age is the chainmail bikini:
Chainmail Bikini by Utopia Armoury
CHAINMAIL. BIKINIS. What else do you need to know? They combine boobs with armour. The only way they could be more awesome is if they dispensed free booze and wads of cash.
It's tempting to just end the topic here, it doesn't get much better than chainmail bikinis, but we at Cracked like to think of ourselves as more thorough than that. Chainmail as part of fashion or costumes is also fairly popular, especially among people into fantasy and roleplaying. Also, people who are into bondage.
Chainmail on girls is hot. Even if not in bikini form
Another, more practical use of chainmail is zombie protection. Human jaws cannot bite through steel, especially not rottings jaws. A good set of chainmail armour can protect you from nearly 100% of zombies bites, making it perfect for those close encounters. People whose weapon of choice is a sword, bat, or other melee weapon should always have a suit of armour when battling the undead. Really, everyone should wear some, it prevents being infected when zombies manage to surprise you. If the zombie apocalypse occurs and you find yourself turning, don't blame us. You've been alerted to the existence of zombie-defying protection, in the form of tens of thousands of steel rings, if you die of an easily preventable zombie bite you can only blame yourself... until you become zombified and lose your higher cognitive functioning, then you wont be able to blame anyone.
Aaaaaaand one more time
I actually know the guys and girls from utopia armory, they are really cool, and are always happy to let any girls you happen to be walking around with try on the chainmail bikini's. so awesome.
ReplyKevlar works way better, although I've had trouble finding anything other than a vest or helmet in kevlar. The vests are around $100 on ebay, typically cheaper than chainmail on the same site, and the kevlar is much lighter and stronger.
ReplyKevlar has a best before date though of about 5 years. So unless you know the zombies are going to strike with-in that span it can be a wasteful investment. Chainmail on the other hand never expires so long as it's stored in a non-rusting environment, so it's handy to have in your closet and be passed from non-zombie generation to non-zombie generation :)
It's called mail, not chainmail. Moreover, mail wouldn't protect against the bodily fluids that zombies excrete, the same fluids that transmit the ghoul retrovirus. Finally, everybody wore padded armor underneath mail, because the weight would cut into your shoulders if you didn't have padding there. The down side was that since the padding was cotton, if it got perforated (like from a wound) you'd get an infection. During medieval times, this was usually a death sentence. Most warriors died of disease, not the wounds themselves.
Replyyeah, but unless you clean your armor by licking it, how would you get scratched up enough to intake the disease? you can't chew through mail
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Too noisy for the zombie Apocalypse. Also too heavy and awkward I would imagine. Definitely too noisy though.
Replythats why you wear it underneath something else, so it cant jingle as much
You don't need to be sneaky if you're invulnerable though, get a full suit, gloves, a helmet and face shield, kill zombies for a few hours, when you get tired take a nap and mock the undead. Wake-up refreshed, rinse and repeat. Padding and wetsuit underneath to prevent any liquid-pathogen from getting at you, hello winning!