Kingdom Hearts

Kingdom Hearts is what happens when two of the biggest money whores (Square Enix and Disney, respectively) decide to make a video game. A good video game, mind you, but nevertheless a product of two whores.

Just The Facts

  1. KH is an "action RPG," meaning that instead of taking turns to beat the shit out of your opponent, you get to tap the "X" button until your thumb becomes a bloody stump.
  2. Disney characters Goofy and Donald act as your sidekicks throughout the game, and while they have the job of aiding you in battle, they specialize in wasting any and all potions you've equipped them with.
  3. Before providing the voice of the main charcter, Sora, Haley Joel Osment used to have a career.
  4. If you took all the pages from all the slash KH fanfictions and rolled them into a ball, a black hole would appear and destroy all life on earth.

Characters

Sora

The hero.

The main character in the game, Sora is like most RPG characters: roughly 14 years old, carries an oversized weapon, spikey hair, and has the duty of saving his home/world/universe.

Riku

You can almost smell the AXE body spray.

Riku is a douchebag. While there is no reason for Sora to even associate with Riku, they're somehow best friends. This makes things complicated when Riku turns evil and spends the rest of the game trying to kill Sora.

Kairi

HAWT.

Every game needs a romantic interest. The bond between Sora and Kairi is the purest and most plutonic kind of unspoken love, mainly due to Kairi being roughly twelve years old.