Hey, kids! Want to know which famous male celebrity is riding the Midnight Meat Train? See where he falls in the Venn diagram below!
There is a lot of ongoing debate as to whether or not people are born gay or simply choose to join the most maligned group in history since the Jews for shits and giggles. Bear in mind, however, that the majority of the fine folks who believe that people choose to be gay are the same type of people who believe that there is an Intelligent Design behind this asshole:
Fuck you, Dane Cook, fuck you so fucking hard.
Despite the blindingly obvious truth that no person in their right mind would opt for cock over cleavage unless they were born with a certain predisposition for it, legions of right-wing and religious zagnuts still hold true to the fanatical claim that homosexuals are willingly undergoing extremely disturbing levels of persecution and societal intolerance all so they can fuck with our traditional family values, the pricks.
For those among you who are still doubtful, this simple 3-step excercise should quell any lingering misgivings.
Step One: Look at the following screen capture featuring Monica Bellucci (and pay close attention to those awesome fucking tits):
Pictured above: Monica Bellucci and Monica Bellucci's awesome fucking tits.
Step Two: Ask yourself if you think it even remotely possible for a regular, red-blooded heterosexual male to, one day out of the blue, look at the above photo (or rather, at Monica Bellucci's awesome fucking tits) and say, "Hey, you know what? I think I'd rather stick it in the French dude."
Step Three: I didn't goddamn well think so.
Khnumhotep and Niankhkhnum, circa 2400 B.C. ... fucking queermos.
According to Fred Phelps, all that pre-history shennanery immediately gave rise to the Ten Plagues, 'cause you know Big G' ain't gonna stand for all that fruity nose-rubbing, not when there are Jews to oppress, damnit!
Gay people are soft targets, right? Their flamboyant, brightly-colored outfits make them easy to spot in the dark, their skintight pants and high heels make escape rather difficult, and their limp wrists mean any attempts at self-defense will be nigh-impossible.
Given how mind-numbingly easy the sport is for even the fattest, laziest and most Cheeto-stained of us, is it any wonder that beating up innocent gay people is a cherished American pasttime?
But if that's the truth, then why is it that hate crime rates have gone down nationally in previous years? Is it because society at large has moved in the direction of supporting LGBT rights? Or is there some sort of pole-smoking vigilante out there prancing about the rooftops of San Fransisco's Castro Disctrict, waiting for the opportunity to pounce upon bigoted miscreants looking for easy prey (and look fabulous while doing so)?
The reality is a lot simpler, and not at all surprising for regular CRACKED readers. As shown in the article 6 Great Martial Arts for Killing a Man With Your Bare Hands, people will only take so much shit before coming around and Hulking the fuck up--that the more oppressed a certain people are, the more likely they are to bounce right the hell back and hand you your ass in an embarrassingly effortless fashion; and let's be honest, there aren't a whole lot of groups out there who can claim to be as harassed as the gays and lesbians of the world, while those that can are too busy fending off the Tutsis to give a shit. After all, do you honestly think the gay gentleman down at the gym bench-pressing enough metal to create a six-foot-tall solid iron sculpture of a throbbing wang is doing it for his health?
So let this serve as a warning to those who think luring unsuspecting gay men into the bathrooms of bars and clubs and then subsequently assaulting them constitutes fair game: those Home-Ec classes may have very well been mere Home-Ec classes ... or they could be secret training camps where elite instructors teach the homosexual youth of America how to beat people to death. With their cocks.
And if they happen to be gay and another oppressed minority, well then you're pretty much boned.
If you see this van parked outside your house, FUCKING RUN.
The world's most dangerous man prepares to kick your ass (and than maybe he'll eat it afterwards).