Steve McQueen

Steve McQueen was the most badass man of all time. From the second he peeled out of his mother's birth canal, to the second he felt sorry for death and let him win, he made us all feel like pussies. &&

Fuck with this.

Just The Facts

  1. Steve McQueen was cooler than you.
  2. He never punched a bear in the face, but I'm sure he tried.
  3. Bullitt should have won every Academy Award ever.

Manbaby McQueen

Lets just start with the facts about the Steve McQueen you forgot you knew. Actor? Yes. Badass? You don't even know.

Steve McQueen was born March 24th, 1930 to a stunt pilot and an alcoholic. A stunt pilot and an alcoholic. McQueen often chided his friends: "What does your dad do? Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, that's cool, my dad's a fucking stunt pilot. He flies planes just to look fucking cool." As for his mother, how many of you can say your mom came home too wasted one night and tried to get in those Batman sheets? That shit builds character. From an early age Stevie had more than any of us.

Middle McQueen

Anyway, McQueen's dad left when he was six months old and he moved in with his Great Uncle. For his eighth birthday Little Stevie got a tricycle and instead of falling over like a dipshit and busting open his giant balls on the pavement, he proceeded to murder everyone in his neighborhood at the tricycle drag strip, and eventually became a world class race car driver. All the eight year old bitches wanted his eight year old dick. However, we often forget a very important point when remembering his past: Steve McQueen grew up in a suburb of Indianapolis, where, you guessed it, the Indianapolis 500 has run yearly since 1911. That's like living next to a nuclear reactor and growing up to be Dr. Manhattan.

"Dear, did the Jones boy try to race little Stevie again?"

"Dear, did the Jones boy try to race little Stevie again?"

Marine McQueen

From there, McQueen cuts a bicep sized hole in history. Being just too tits for living at home, McQueen left home after threatening to kill his stepfather, just like everybody does, and badassed (its a word, douche) his way form odd job to odd job. Odd jobs? Like mowing lawns or sniffing out truffles? How bout being a towel boy for a brothel or lumberjacking to pay the bills. That's how men make money, bitch.

Steve eventually got bored of being a freelance asskicker and did what everybody did in the 40's and joined the Army. Being both tits and more tits, McQueen was promoted, and then demoted, and then promoted a full seven times before deciding to rock that whole "Marines" thing. How bout saving 5 other Marines before their tank broke through the ice in the artic? Is that badass enough for you? Do Marines ever even need their lives saved? They do if they're not Steve McQueen.

Who needs a shirt if you're Steve McQueen?

Who needs a shirt if you're Steve McQueen?

Mesotheliomic McQueen

Steve McQueen went on to be an actor, or something, nominated for an Academy Award and 4 Golden Globes, back when they actually meant something. Reportedly he won them all, but apparently he never really gave a shit, and was just too busy driving race cars to show up at the ceremony. Eventually, this maelstrom of man decided he was too good at this mortal coil, and being the fantastic actor that he was, convinced everyone that he died after a surgery to remove his cancer he made up to make himself seem human. They say he still lives on in the heart of every bare-knuckled punch to the face thrown.

Want to see the man in action? Watch the hour and a half chase scene in Bullitt. There might be a plot in there too, but nobody's ever paid attention.