Kickball

Kickball is a sport that uses an inflated rubber ball and is best when played by adults over the age of 30. Some people believe that kickball is a children's game, but these people are confused. And likely racist.

Boom!

In your face!

Just The Facts

  1. Kickball is played using the same rules as softball.
  2. Bunting is always the way to go.
  3. If you aren't drinking while playing, you're doing it wrong.

Background

History records that kickball was invented in 1917 by Nicholas Suess, but the reality is that it was first introduced to America in 1858 by Cyrus Humperdink III. Cyrus was an unemployed leather worker (he felt bad for the cows) who was looking for something to do with his idle hands. So, he made the first kickball out of honeycomb and paper mache. Unfortunately, it kept bursting open and sticking to the players, so he started using an inflated pig's bladder instead (even though he liked cows he hated those fucking pigs).

This worked for a few years, but then the technology to making pig's bladder kickballs was lost in the chaos of the Civil War. Fortunately, nothing spurs technological growth like war. Plus, the soldiers needed something to do in between fighting battles and eating hardtack. Thus the modern kickball was born.

The North used their extensive railroad infrastructure to quickly deliver kickballs (and bases) to all the Union troops which made them very happy. The confederate forces, on the other hand, only had sticks and peaches to play with so they were very sad. That's why the North won the war.

Early kickball delivery vehicle.

Legality

In many countries it is illegal to play kickball, as it is a devil's game which is played in hell. For example, Bolivia's constitution contains the clause "The right of the people to assemble and play kickball shall not be recognized." This kind of oppression should not be tolerated by people living in the 21st century. For less than $.75 a day, you can sponsor a freedom fighter.

Tips & Tricks

  • Wear knee-high socks to intimidate your opponent.
  • Know that referees make arbitrary calls depending on their disposition and sexual orientation.
  • Don't bunt toward 3rd base if there are runners on 1st and 2nd.
  • You can tag a runner by throwing the ball at them, but only do so if you can throw it hard enough to knock them out.
  • If you hear the ice cream truck coming, stop play immediately and have a fudgecicle. You deserve it.