Transformers 2

Transformers 2 is a movie that rapes other movies in the mouth with giant robot penises (stocked with a pair of giant robot testicles).

Let's make the robot's dick THIS BIG!

Just The Facts

  1. This is also the movie that fucked a hole in reality so big that we cannot possibly hope to repair it. Sometime later this year, when gravity ceases to exist and the world is attacked by an army of Jesuses riding unicorns, director Michael Bay will be the one burned in effigy.
  2. No critic will ever dissuade Michael Bay from destroying reality with his movies, because he DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT!!!
  3. The giant Decepticon Devastator was given wrecking-ball "testicles" in Bay's 43,782nd attempt to combine his two favorite things: SEX and BIG THINGS.
  4. Aside from the black actors he casts in his movies, Michael Bay has met exactly one black person. He was homeless.


 This is the least necessary prologue in movie history.  You know how every anthropology "expert" who has smoked pot more than once in their lives claims human civilization was started by aliens and that the pyramids were built by aliens and that the gods of ancient civilizations are based on those people's interpretation of aliens WELL GUESS WHAT THOSE ALIENS WERE THE TRANSFORMERS WOOOO SURPRISE!!!!1!

Unicyclist Decepticon Destroys Shanghai

 In the first "real" scene of the movie we see that the Autobots have joined forces with the U.S. military to hunt down remaining Decepticons, forming a special forces group called N.E.S.T.  We never learn what N.E.S.T. stands for, but we can assume it makes Michael Bay giggle.

N.E.S.T. is called into action because a Decepticon is attacking Shanghai.  When N.E.S.T. shows up, the Decepticon is hidden, because it knows not to transform until the cameras are pointed at it.

Long story short, Optimus Prime kills the Unicyclist Decepticon after he destroys 1/32 of the population of Shanghai (approx. 3,456,980,000 people).  Before he dies the Unicyclist warns of the revenge of "The Fallen" (I bet that's what they named the movie after).

As a side note, the Chinese government plays the whole incedent off as a toxic gas leak.  A toxic gas leak that destroyed half a city.  Normally I'd play along, but this is the country that claimed their air was breathable in the summer of 2008.  I call bullshit.

One more thing--this scene introduces the Jar Jar Binks of this movie--the Autobot twins, Shitstain and Fuckyou.  These two are not just walking racial stereotypes (as you've probably heard) but they are the two most annoying characters in movie history.  The entire movie you desperately want them to die every time they are on screen, but THEY NEVER DIE.

Shia LaBeouf Tries to Go to School; Hilarity and Transformers Ensue

 On the day Shia leaves for college (at the age of 23), he discovers a shard of the Allspark stuck in his shirt (inadvertently revealing how often his family washes clothes).  The shard drops onto his bedroom floor and burns through it, then lands on the kitchen table without burning through it ("Why don't they just make the whole floor out of the kitchen table?" said a comedian from the 80s).  The shard magically turns Shia's kitchen into an army of tiny douchebags.  Bumblebee kills these tiny douchebags while also doing more damage than the tiny douchebags did themselves.  He's efficient.

Megan Fox (whom we'll refer to as HotAss from now on, since that's the only reason she's in the movie) shows up, and Shia gives her the shard.  Another tiny douchebag robot sees this and follows HotAss home.

Also, Shia tells Bumblebee that he can't come to come to college with him, because people in college who have cars are considered "uncool".


Shia Goes To The Same College That is in Every Movie

 You know the one, where the dorm rooms magically have enough space to house an underground drug ring, and frat parties are an open invitation to everyone, you don't actually have to be in the fraternity, because frat guys aren't territorial douchebags until you call them out for being racist or something (like really racist, like Michael Bay-racist).

My self-esteem had a brief moment of panic when, during the frat party, an insanely hot girl approaches Shia LaBeouf without the pretense of having gone through a major disaster with him.  I was relieved, however, when it was revealed that she was just a robot prostitute hired by the Decepticons.  I guess they wanted to give him the clap.

Anyways, WhoreBot makes Shia miss his online date with HotAss, which leads you to believe there's going to be some emotional drama in this movie.  Don't worry, there isn't.

 HotAss also manages to capture Tiny DoucheBot, because he is small and she has power tools.  She gets on a flight to Shia's college, and here's where the most fucked-up part of the movie happens.

HotAss has DoucheBot trapped in a metal case and is taking him through security.  While a security guy is standing next to her, the DoucheBot shouts.  HotAss kicks the case and plays it off, and the security guy goes along with it!  What the fuck?  That should never happen!  HotAss should have gotten a full body cavity search after that shit.  I'm going to say this right now:

Michael Bay is the only person in America who forgot about 9/11.

 Anyways, WhoreBot attacks Shia and HotAss gets there just in time to flee the college that WhoreBot is singlehandedly blowing up.  Also Shia's roommate is in tow.  I don't remember his name, so we'll call him Steve.  Shia, HotAss and Steve drive away only to be picked up (literally, tee-hee) by a helicopter Decepticon and dropped into a warehouse.

Let me clarify that: The helicopter was carrying the car, probably a hundred feet in the air, and dropped them.  The car landed nose-first, and all three survived without a fucking scratch.  Michael Bay has either never been in a car crash, or he has bones of fucking titanium.

Megatron LIVES OMG

 I forgot to mention this, but a bunch of new Decepticons (apparently they're called Constructicons) show up and dive into the ocean to resurrect Megatron with a different shard of Allspark.  There were two, even though multiple times through the movie we hear that there is only one.

Megatron flies back to his home planet and meets with Starscream, who became 200% more of a pussy since the last film.  Also we meet the Fallen, who--surprise!--was the Transformer from the prologue.  Apparently in order for him to get off his weird life-support thing that he's hooked up to, Optimus Prime must die.  (SPOILER ALERT: he does)

Back to the present, Megatron is in the warehouse where Shia was dropped.  Megatron promises to do horrible things to Shia, like make him watch this movie, but first he has a tiny robot brain-rape him for information.

Just before the tiny robot cuts open Shia's skull, OPTIMUS AND BUMBLEBEE SHOW UP YAY!!!  The three of them escape with Optimus and Bumblebee and drive off into the forest, where nothing bad happens, right?


Optimus Dies


Some of you are probably wondering, "Hey, you know how they brought Megatron back to life with that shard of Allspark?  Couldn't they just bring Optimus back the same way?"  To which Michael Bay responds, "FUCK YOU!"

The Most Boring Part of the Movie

With Optimus dead, The Fallen wakes up, a bunch of new Decepticons show up, The Fallen threatens the entire planet, Shia is a "fugitive", someone says the words "President Obama", and John Turturro works in a deli with his mom now. 

The Smithsonian and Teleporting

 So apparently there's a very old Transformer in the Smithsonian that can translate the symbols that Shia has been seeing (did I forget to mention that?  FUCK this movie is long.)  They wake up this Transformer using the shard that couldn't save Optimus, and someone sees a Decepticon symbol on its underbelly, leading to the shortest and most pointless train of thought in the movie:

Person 1: Oh shit, he's a Decepticon!

Person 2: No, he's just old!

Person 1: Aw, shucks!

Person 2: LOL

OldBot tells them that they need to go to Egypt to find the Sun Harvester (the thing from the beginning of the movie that's shaped like a pyramid--I wonder where it is!) or else the Decepticons will use it to destroy the sun.  They also need to find the Matrix of Leadership that can save Optimus and also start the Sun Harvester.  Then OldBot TELEPORTS them to Egypt.  What the fuck is this shit.  Michael Bay has written himself into so many corners throughout the course of this movie and he's had to bullshit his way out of them using shit like TELEPORTING.  Next thing you're going to tell me there's a giant Transformer that no one can possibly defeat so he makes up a bullshit weapon like a classified GIANT LASER to kill it (he does).

Egypt, Part 1 of 377

OldBot abandons them in Egypt (but not really, shhhh) and Shia, HotAss, Steve, John Turturro, Bumblebee, Shitstain and Fuckyou manage to find the Matrix of Leadership using their powers of OBVIOUS.  They also call Josh Duhamel and tell him to bring Optimus to Egypt using their powers of TELEPHONE.  Josh Duhamel agrees using his powers of BLIND TRUST AND RETARDEDNESS.

BUT A TWIST!  When Shia picks up the Matrix, it turns to dust!  Shia decides that "we didn't come all this way for no reason" (the dumbest reason to believe in anything ever) and puts the dust in his sock to take back to Optimus.

Egypt, Part 46: The Payoff That Was in No Way Worth the Wait

 Josh Duhamel and the Autobots and the most useless human soldiers ever arrive in the desert.  Shia is miles away because he cannot plan ahead for shit.  Then a bunch of Decepticons show up, half of which start fighting, and the other half start looking for Shia.  Shia realizes he has to get through a bunch of giant robots to get to Optimus.  It sounds something like this:

Shia: We have to get to Optimus.  Let's walk there.

HotAss: Couldn't we just ride in Bumblebee there?  He's practically indestructible.

Michael Bay: FUCK YOU!

So they walk.

Meanwhile John Turturro and Steve find themselves surrounded by construction equipment.  This equipment quickly decides to turn into a giant robot, which for some reason then decides to perform fellatio on the ground.


This thing sucks at the ground until it sucks up Shitstain ("Yay!" I thought), but then Shitstain somehow fights his way out of GiantBot's face ("WTF," I thought).

GiantBot shrugs it off and starts climbing up a pyramid ("I wonder why," said the one person in the theater who hadn't figured it out by now).  John Turturro calls a naval warship on what must be the legendary Call-Anyone-In-The-Military Phone and tells them to ready some Major Death Laser to take out GiantBot.  You heard me correct, a laser.  Why haven't we heard about this?  Simple: it's classified.

This is the biggest cop-out I have ever seen.  Inventing a weapon to kill an otherwise unkillable machine.  Good job, Bay.  You got rid of GiantBot with slightly more effort than the writers of Saved by the Bell got rid of Kelly and Jessie.

Shia Dies (Or Does He?); Optimus Lives (He Does)

Shia and HotAss finally get to Josh Duhamel, but on their way to Optimus, there is a big explosion and Shia dies (kind of).  He gets taken to Transformer heaven where he meets with the other Primes who are all, "You're cool," and he's all "You're big" and they're all "Go back to Earth," and he's all "'K, whatev."  Then the Matrix dust turns back into the Matrix and Shia wakes up and uses it to wake up Optimus.

Then The Fallen shows up and steals the Matrix to start up the Sun Harvester.  This makes Optimus sad, but that's okay, because OldBot showed up and gives Optimus his parts so he can be big and strong like you do if you eat Cheerios.

The other Autobots electrify OldBot and Optimus, and OldBot's parts magically attach to Optimus in the exact places that turn him into a Killer Jet Fighter of Death.  Optimus flies to the Sun Harvester and destroys it, then kills The Fallen.


 Scientists estimate that this movie broke 376 laws of physics, as well as 72 laws of astrophysics and 6,820 laws of logic.  They claim the universe should be imploding on itself any day now.