First World Problems

First World Problems are a serious medical condition. Like SARS, First World Problems can be written as an acronym for the purpose of convenience, which is actually a common preventative measure against FWP.

Just The Facts

  1. First World Problems infect millions of people daily, although they are strangely uncommon in certain places (like vocational schools, Burma and hippie communes).
  2. In a disturbing trend, the demographic most heavily affected FWP is becoming younger and younger. In fact, the number of teenagers cracking their iPhone screens is growing at a near exponential rate.
  3. Saying "First World Problem" is one of the quickest ways to make someone feel bad about themselves.

FWP and you: not that far from home

One of the most important ways to understand and prevent FWP is to get educated. There are numerous designations for the disease's various forms but the message is clear: shut the fuck up about your new shoes, return them if they don't fit godDAMMIT.

WebMD defines FWP as "a painful and often persistent condition, commonly occurring in teens and 20-somethings who are forced to confront an easily remedied issue regarding a luxury that they've confused with necessity. Side effects can include crying [...] and sounding like an out-of-touch asshole with a whiney bitch complex." [citation needed]

The Center for Disease Control defines the condition as "Shut the fuck up you spoiled brat, there are people out there with cancer, please shove your smartphone down your throat and choke to death on it." [citation needed]

It is important to note that while FWP is establishing a growing presence among America's youth, it is by no means confined there; a clinically diagnosed case of the condition was recently observed in Mitt Romney, a successful American businessman and father of five. After losing the presidential election, Romney was forced to return to a life of being obnoxiously rich without the title of "most important man in the world", leaving him irreparably damaged and exactly zero dollars poorer.

However, the problem of FWP in the teen and college-aged cell cannot be understated. The most susceptible to the disease are middle and upper middle class white kids who, after reaching adolescence without ever having to wipe their own ass or make a car insurance payment, are known for their inability to deal with minor inconveniences over the course of a day.

Causes and symptoms: know what to look for

FWP can be triggered by a multitude of stimuli under many different circumstances, but patients often display unique symptoms. Some symptoms to look for in patients include but are not limited to:

  • Blatantly acting upset until asked what's wrong
  • Refusing to talk about what's wrong while hinting clearly to the problem (i.e., repeatedly touching a cracked iPhone screen)
  • Flaunting of a different cellphone, MP3 player, or graphing calculator
  • Explosive bloody diarrhea

Frequently diagnosed cases include but are not limited to:

  • Running out of weed
  • Cracked/broken smartphones
  • Getting painful blisters from breaking in new shoes
  • Having to pitch in for gas money
  • Filling up the DVR
  • "These headphones hardly have any bass"

FWP is unique in that it can eaily cater itself to any certain victim, but a watchful eye for these patterns can mean the difference between acting like a decent human being and incessantly complaining about how your alcohol hook-up is out of town.

Preventing FWP

No vaccination exists for FWP but is an easily avoidable ailment if the proper precautions are taken. While sometimes tedious and unrewarding, they are invaluable to preventing the spread of FWP and convincing the world that not all kids are spoiled assholes.

Here are five easy ways to build an immunity to First World Problems:

  1. Go a whole day without eating anything solid.
  2. Open with 2003 Windows Vista.
  3. Watch a documentary on Africa.
  4. Travel to a gang-infested inner city neighborhood and politely ask for a smartphone-owner headcount.
  5. Watch Harmony Korine's "Gummo" while on acid.

It is important to remember that FWP is highly contagious and can easily and quickly infect an entire sect of society if left unchecked. Its efficiency is rarely seen in modern medicine but it is also short-lived, often easily thwarted by a liberal dosage of "telling somebody to shut the hell up". Contrary to protocol concerning other serious diseases, people who suspect that a friend or loved one has come in contact with/been infected by FWP are encourage to improvise their own solutions.*

*Cracked does not formally assume any responsibility for spoiled punk asses having their asses kicked by kids who actually cannot afford a TV. However, with no possibility of legal action, it's a different matter, and you're welome.