16,529 views |

Babies

Babies are cute little people, except for the ugly ones which are hideous. Babies are a tremendous responsibility and there are apparently no acceptable excuses for letting your baby roll off the bed while you are playing internet poker.

Babies are usually created by having sex, this is awesome.
Two responsible adults trying to have a baby will have to have sex about 15-20 times on average at precisely the right time of the month before getting pregnant. Teenagers can achieve the same results by being in the same room watching an R-rated movie.
When pregnant, women's boobs get really big, this is awesome.
You will not be allowed to touch your wife's new huge boobs, not even for a "quick feel".
People will generally frown on you for calling your baby a "little shit" even if he totally deserves it.

Often referred to as "little miracles of life" babies are in fact more annoying versions of us. Despite this, people are generally excited about having babies. Women are responsible for carrying and giving birth to babies. This is a painful process, a fact that they will remind you of every day for the rest of your life, loudly.

These are not for you. Nature's cruel joke.

Before having a baby make sure you are ready for the responsibility as the baby will require drastic changes to your life style. For example, if you enjoy sex a baby might not be right for you as they are total mood killers. The same applies for other things you enjoy such as sleep or strip clubs.

Will kill your game.

Babies are also very expensive. Do not be fooled by their size! Anything that is specially made for babies will cost at least 5 times more than something you would buy for yourself. The baby products industry is worth $7 billion a year in the U.S., almost as much as the movie industry. This is because you will not be allowed to save money by making substitutions like using a sock as a bib even if it is clean. If you have a girl, multiply clothing costs by 10.

Yeah, it's only about $3.25 in U.S. dollars but it still adds up.

Even with all the drawbacks you will love your baby and will find yourself willing to do anything for it. Be careful to resist the urge to "totally fuck up" the little child who pushes your baby at the playground though. Instead, an "accidental" push when the child's mother is not looking is the best alternative.

In preparation for your baby you will purchase books written by so-called experts telling you what to expect when you bring your baby home. These books are shit. Here are some questions that none of those books will answer:

1. My baby boy just woke me up by tea-bagging me. Am I allowed to get angry?

2. My baby farted in my face. Can do it back in return? Am I allowed to get angry?

3. Can I wipe my baby's boogers with my shirt? Can I continue wearing the shirt?

4. I bumped my baby's head while playing with it. How can I hide the bruise from my wife?

5. Does the 5 second rule apply to my baby's food, or is it longer for them?