Rudy Dean

Quite simply, Rudydean is the filthiest, most loathsome troll in the history of Cracked. He is over the top offensive, batshit insane, lacks any concept of humor or subtlety, and actually belives 100% of the bile that he spews.

Rudydean explained in equation form

A glimpse inside his mind.

Just The Facts

  1. Rudydean has a burning, irrational hatred of the USA, its government and people, and all veterans everywhere.
  2. He has written six topics, each crazier and angrier than the last.
  3. Amazingly, he is not a pasty faced nerd living in his mother's basement, but an art student in Tulsa.
  4. Trying to reason with Rudydean will get you absolutely nowhere, but may provide much unintentional hilarity

Meet the Internet's Worst Troll

Few were aware of Rudydean's existance until May 22 2012. That was the day that regular contributor Eric Yosomono released his article Seeing this article and finding it highly offensive, Rudydean proceeded to troll the everyloving hell out of it, instantly making himself the most hated man on Cracked. Never in the history of the site have so many people run out of downvotes so quickly.

We need more dammit!

Why? Because Rudydean is a hatefull bastard who has the gaul to call himself a hero and claim that we're the bad guys. Every post he makes is filled with asenine conspiricy theories and pure venom aimed at the United States, veterans, and the readers of this site. He believes that the United States is the most evil country in the history of the world, that it was founded by evil wizards, that 9/11 was an inside job, that American democracy is a sham, and that anyone who has ever fought in a war automatically goes to hell. The fact that he'd already be in a CIA run prison if things were even half as bad as he claims never seemed to occur to him.

Once, he even tried to pitch an article on why Batman is an evil, child molesting bully.

The last thing he'll ever see.

There is really nothing I can say that will convey the sheer magnitude of his hatred, arrogence, and insanity, so I'll let him do the talking for a while.

Nope, still not as crazy.

In His Own Words

These are all actual quotes from the comment section of the previously mentioned article, complete with original spelling and grammer mistakes. If you don't believe me, look them up. Many quotes are missing context, but honestly they wouldn't be any less crazy with it.

"i know soldiers deserve zero respect. f**k those babykillers. i spit in their fuckfaces!"

"you freaks love me. You get to focus all of your evil, soldier c**k chugging pro war hysterical madness at me, like i'm your personal supervillain. but really, i'm just one dude with my own opinions, and you fuckers are trying to lynch me like you are a mob of kkk murderers. how many of you have tried to curse me, at least three......too bad i'm f*****g immortal! you stupid evil fools!"

"shout out to my real mom for giving birth to your superhero, me, rudydean, the most famous cracked superhero of all time!"

"[I'm] not a troll. have huge balls. way bigger balls than any dead ww two troop. anyway, you couldn't name one good thing about america"

"al qaeda isn't real and never was, d******k"

"I'm no troll, I'm a superhero! i'm the star of this show, not this s**t article! and the reason is because i'm telling the truth and it hurts, huh you evil fools! you love death and war, and you are death fetish snuff photo loving necrophiles! up yours, freaks!"

"you didn't know i was a hero did you? you didn't know i was here to challenge your consciences, huh? no you just wanted to dismiss me as bonkers to distract from the concepts i was shouting! soldiers are evil as f**k, and this is a war mongering article, and most of you freaks love war. shame on ya!"

"yer the dumbass.lets all just hope you get killed before you can hurt anybody because us soldiers are the bad guy in this world. keep chugging soldier c**k if you must, but you are plain f*****g retarded if you join the military.and how dare you pretend like soldiers aren't the greatest threat to freedom in america. you f*****g assholes are the ones about to throw everyone in fema camps. ndaa. heard of it? martial law. us military invading its own country. so f**k you and f**k the troops. torturers and napalmers, you are sick demented satanic c**k chuggers."

"everyone should spit on the troop babykillers! "

"america was the ultimate nazi of ww 2. we are a nation? founded on a near complete genocide...five hundred genocides. what are you even talking about......we never made it a priority to liberate one concentration camp until the war 2was over. we blew up two civilian cities, more like ten....but two with nukes. we were the ultimate evil in ww2. and we had death camps for japanese people here. you are bonkers!"

"stop lying about me. i'm actually after the deconstruction of the retarded militaristic patriotism that has replaced your souls"

"ever accidentally called osama obama while talking about obama killing osama? most people do. its because they know in their hearts that these are both the same cia actor."

"haha! what are you gonna do, snitch like a good german nazi!?! haha. guess what f******e, this article is true and backed by facts. so good luck getting it pulled, i fully supported the speculation in this article with facts everyone knows are true. so up yours, freak!"

"i do exist, unlike bin laden, who, even if he was real, according to the liepapers, doesn't exist anymore because your president illegally ordered his assassination. and bragged about it. and you cheered, like a lynchers mob. shame on you."

"i don't know what you are talking about. since when is rkelly a rapper. i thought he was a pornstar"

"you can't even defend soldiers because you know you'll lose the argument, so go f**k your sister, you inbred freak"

"why are the founding fathers a bunch of satanic freemason sorcerers? sorry but its hard to love something that evil. further, i imagine you to be a giant brainwashed freak. kony 2012 is explicitly war propaganda, and yer a fool if you can't understand that."

"oh you must be a wannabe teacher....guess what, yer just an insulting shithead. and your comments are too f*****g long."

"im not a cannibal like white people are. you go eat your ancestors, whitey"

"george w obama is evil like hitler, and nobody does a thing to stop those evil genociding fuckfaces."

"say my name motherfuckers, say my motherfuckin name!"

"hey mom, uncle gene is a bad seed because he's a veteran. thats why he rapes children, he learned it in the army!"

"i can see what you guys are saying about me. you people are like, in love with me. you sound like you are a support group made of girls i used to f**k who can't stop talking about me."

And my personal favorite,

"ha, you fuckers will run out of down votes there too. wanna be my facebook friend?"

My, that was certainly... interesting. Now let us take a break from his hate filled rants and make a closer inspection of the insane bullshit this assclown believes.

Osama Bin Laden

As far as Rudydean is concerned, both Osama Bin Laden and the Al Quada network are completely ficticious. According to him, both were created by the CIA to manipulate us into invading the Middle East. Now the evidence for his existance is overwhelming. He has made dozens of recorded speeches declaring war on America and the West in general. He had thousands of dedicated followers. He had wives and numorous children. So what evidence does Sir Assclown have to counter this?

His name keeps getting spelled diferentely. Yes, the fact that it's sometimes spelled Osama and sometimes spelled Usama is proof positive that he doesn't exist. He claims that Usama was a real person who fought the Russians, but that he died at some point and we used his identity to create Osama. Furthermore, Seal Team Six, the force that killed him, Doesn't Officially Exist.

Well of course it doesn't officially exist. No top sectret unit ever does. And never mind that the whole spelling discrepancy can be explained by the lack of any exact translation from Arabic to English, or that different TV networks and intelligence agencies use different spellings based on who their translator is. Logic is useless with Rudydean, and he is unshakable in his conviction that the War on Terror is a vile plot straight out of 1984.

Not this 1984.

2. JFK Assassination

There have been many conspiracy theories involving the assassination of our 35th president, ranging from the semi-plausable to the utterly insane. But none of them even come close to Rudydean's theory. Forget the Grassy Knoll, the Vietnam connection, and all of the standard conspiracy theorist bullshit. According to the Troll King, JFK's killer was none other than... Joe DiMaggio.

Wait, WTF? Why would a baseball star want to kill the president? Well I'm glad you asked, because there's actually a simple explanation. He killed JFK to avenge the death of Marylin Monroe. You see, Monroe wasn't just JFK's mistress, she was a brain washed CIA sex slave. But her programming was starting to break down, and she was threatening to reveal all his dirty secrets. So JFK sent his brother Bobby and a bunch of secret service guys to kill her and make a snuff film.

But then a few months later, whatever secret cable really controls America decided that Kennedy had to go, so they showed DiMaggio the tape, gave him a revolver, and set him loose. So he hid in a storm drain, and shot JFK when he passed by.

There are so many things wrong with this acid trip that the mind reels. For starters, the bullet that killed JFK was a rifle bullet, from an Italian Modello 1898 carbine to be exact. And that bullet could only have entered and exited his body where it did if it had come from above. Add the fact that DiMaggio had no special training in assassinations and that this whole narrative depends on the existence of brain washed sex slaves, and you've got a theory crazier than an Olympic sized pool filled with starving weasels.

Like this, but with 1000 times more weasels.

Martin Luther King Junior

Rudydean has written two articles concerning the great civil rights leader. The first concerns his death. According to trollface, James Earl Ray did not kill MLK, and wasn't even a real person. (So then who the hell did we try in federal court?) The actual killer was an FBI sniper acting on orders from LBJ. And Jesse Jackson was in on it somehow or other.

Now I've never been an admirer of the 'reverand' Jackson, but I highly doubt he was party to a murder. And then we're supposed to believe that LBJ, who had met King several times and had worked with him on the Civil Rights Act, suddenly turned around and had a political ally killed.

Still, this is pretty tame compared to the next article. This one claims to be a letter written by MLK, then sealed in an envelope that wasn't opened until this year. Because Martin Luther King Junior wasn't just a visionary leader, he had visions of the future. He was a prophet. And just what did this prophecy contain?

It's a bit of a hard read, but basically he prophecied that unless we embraced total pacifism and disbanded all military forces, that sometime in the 21st century the military will overthrow the government, declare martial law, and put millions in concentration camps. The people of America then rise up in revolt, and the ensuing war destroys the country completely. So yeah, this whole thing is crazier than Gary Busey and Mike Tyson chugging 4Loko from a clown shoe.

His daily intake.

MLK never claimed to be a prophet. He was a vocal opponent of the Vietnam War, but never said that all wars are unjust, and certainly never called for total disarmament. And looking at the letter itself, you realize that it takes a surprisingly long time to make any real points, the transitions don't flow very well, there are several misspellings, and the closing appears to have been recycled from an earlier speech. So either Rudydean found this thing on some forum, or he pulled it out of his ass, but if MLK wrote this then I'm the king of the lizard people.

Pictured: Not me.

Kony 2012

We all know what Kony 2012 is. Or at least we think we do. If McTrollin here is to be believed, it's actually a CIA propaganda video ment to goad us into invading Africa. Because now that Bin Laden is gone, the government needed a new boogyman. So they made up some child stealing warlord to inflame public opinion. He then goes on and on about how evil the Invisible Children guys are, and provides video of that one guy's naked freak out. (OK, so he throws in something that isn't total horse dump every once in a while just to throw us off)

I believe in you Joseph.

I'm beginning to see a pattern here. If someone is an enemy of the US, or are hated by the population of this country, then he never existed. (Interestingly, this brings up the possibility that if enough of us hate him hard enough, then Rudydean will cease to exist.) The problem with his theory that Kony is the new Bin Laden and the LRA is the new AL Quada is that the Kony and the LRA were allready burning villiges and stealing kids years before Al Quada was founded. In fact they spent 25 years terrorizing central Africa before the US government got involved. So I must ask, why would we create a false flag operation and then take 25 years to respond to it? And why would we want to invade a bunch of Ebola infested jungles? And is it really an invasion if your sending materials to support the existing government? I'm sure it all makes sense in Bizzaro World.

Rudydean's homeworld.

Thornton's (Alledged) Bigotry

This one's a bit weird even by Rudydean's standards. Basically he saw a picture some guy in a skimpy Indian costume at some kind of outdoor festival in Tulsa. (Photo not included in order to save on eye bleach costs) Now most of the people at this event were in bad costumes, and many were drunk, but Rudydean, as self appointed advocate for minorities and genocide victims, simply could not let this stand. Because this guy wasn't just some drunken asshole, he was an evil, racist bigot.

So this started a running fued with lots of nasty Facebook posts and friends of both parties becoming involved. He made numerous comparisons to Hitler and Holocaust deniers, and equated dressing in war paint and feathers with commiting indecent acts with dead Jews. And the whole article is just Rudydean going on and on about how he stood up to this evil racist and won some sort of victory for opressed peoples everywhere.

Of all his topic pages, this is the only one that has any basis in reality. Although the viewpoint is undoubtably skewed, I have no trouble believing that all the events recounted actually happened. I mean if you can't believe that Rudydean started a Facebook fued with someone, what can you believe? Unfortunately, this is also his most arrogant, conceited, and self rightious tirade yet.

He could give this guy lessons.

Sure the guy looks like a douche, and he probably could have picked a better costume, but is it really worth hounding him for weeks and writing a Cracked page on how evil he is? I mean come on, it's not like he spouted off insane conspiricy theories, went on long, hatred fueled rants against veterans, or told the entire readership of a major comedy site that they were evil, warmongering, cocksucking necrophiles.

But it does provide valuable insight into the inner workings of his mind. He clearly believes that he is a hero. In fact he refers to himself a such multiple times. He also believes that he is a tireless crusader against bigotry, hatred, injustice, and all the other things that he actually represents. And any action by the object of his hatred, every counterargument or point made, only reinforces his delusions that he is the hero and that his enemy is pure evil. Reading his latest article, you will be left with no doubt that Rudydean is a malignant narcissist with delusions of granduer and a massive persecution complex.

How Rudydean sees himself.

What he really is.

And now that I have written this, I will surely be the next target of his insane rage. He'll probably try to write a scathing article about me. Good luck with that, I'm not dumb enough to use my real name when insulting someone online, and all of the details I've given about myself only narrow me down to one of about 10 million people.

In closing, I would like to give special thanks to BuckyOHare, mrbrightside, Fapmaster 3000, Bapao76, Nashville, and all the many others who provoked Rudydean into providing the hilarious quotes featured above. Without their help in trolling the troll, none of this would have been possible.