Talentless Actors

Victim 1: Ben Curtis or Slacker Steve who shamelessly spouted, “Dude, You’re getting a Dell”.

Born in Chattanooga, Tennessee in 1980, Curtis met Illusionist David Copperfield at age 4 and was inspired to make things disappear, like acting careers. At 13 he reportedly started his own magic business, not sure how a 13 year old gets a business off the ground but we’re talking about Tennessee here.

 Eventually Ben went to NYU’s Tisch School of Arts and attended a multitude of what sound like actor vo-tech schools to emerge as Slacker Steve. Which, if there is any job for an over-educated magician, it is selling cheap computers whose tech support is run out of Petrapole, India by a guy with a funny accent named, Michael. (Has anyone ever believed them when they said that?)

Curtis was unfortunately arrested in NY for something he would have been given a ticket for in California, in attempting to score a bag of chronic. After that, Dell wouldn’t have anything to do with him. In 2007, the poor bastard was quoted in “New York Restaurants” as saying that he was happier being a booze slinger at “Tequila Flats” in NYC because he could “be himself”. Which sounds just about as lame as when a good band breaks up for “artistic differences” but somehow doesn’t have the same sting. I hope no one is astonished by this.

Since the interview with “New York Restaurants” Ben has been a couple of low-brow videos, the best of which was an offshoot piece by “Triumph the Insult Dog” where Curtis approached another commercial loser, Subway’s Jared Fogle, while trashed under what can only be assumed as washout higher-archy envy. Sad, sad man that Curtis ended up being.
 

Victim 2: Eric Violette (E-reek Vee-o-lett) Lead lip-syncher for the freecreditreport.com band.

Born somewhere near Montreal in 1981, Violette exhibited his desire to be a pretentious art-fag at an early age. From ages 18-22 he attended the National Theatre School of Canada for singing and acting and on his website, declares his love for Beethoven and Rachmaninov. A few short words later he goes on to plug himself as a licensed meso-therapist in Shiatsu. After seeing the numerous black and white pictures of him, best described as emo-chic, the massage license makes sense when the natural conclusion to the words “happy ending” come into play.
He cites numerous roles in cinema, short movies and plays, none of which I can pronounce and accredits himself to being musical composer for a couple of films and other stuff that no one will ever hear. Under his list of “Special Skills” he notes singing, guitar and martial arts. Martial arts? There’s only one reasonable way to translate that. Listing it on his website only lends credence to the ever so popular “I know Karate” method of weaseling one’s way out of a beatdown. (Has that ever worked?)

The cold hard truth of his plight is in the videos link. Come to find out, the only time anyone has filmed this douche nozzle has been for his lip synching stint in the freecreditreport.com commercials and a movie that IMDB is pretty ambiguous about. I think justice has been served.
 

Victim 3; Stephanie Courtney a.k.a. "Flo," the really annoying Progressive Insurance Commercial chick

As a young girl from Stony Point, New York, Courtney clearly had dreams and aspirations of becoming a famous comedian, actor or just about anything else that would expose her well honed acting chops and quirky sense of humor. According to IMDB, she's been a minor character in a shit ton of sitcoms and movies in highly critical roles such as, Boom Operator, Woman on Tape, Ticket Agent, and apparently gave a scorching 1998 performance in an episode of "Mr. Show with Bob and David" as Waitress.

In 2003, Courtney's acting dreams came to fruition when she, Jack Black and 8 motherfuckers I've never heard of shared the Cooper Wing Tribute Award at the Phoenix Film Festival for their performances in the box office smash(?) "Melvin Goes to Dinner". Whoever the hell knows what this award is, please let me know because I couldn't find out anything about it through any means.

In 2007-2008, ol' Steph scored a two episode stint as Diane on the on the il-fated sitcom "Cavemen" based on the Geico Cavemen. That's incredibly rich on it's own but I'll get to those douchebags later. In 2009 Courtney landed what appears to be her first role that includes a first and last name as Karen Balsac (yes I know how funny that is, but wait for it) in "Coco Lipshitz: Behind the Laughter". The plot of which, "Chronicles the rise and fall of America's most beloved and talentless comedienne." I happen to think it's a pretty sick burn to give an important supporting role to America's most hated and talentless annoying insurance peddler. Well, one of them anyway.

Victims 4 & 5; Jeffrey Daniel Phillips & Ben Weber, better known as GEICO Cavemen.

These guys are seasoned veterans of the professional movie/tv extra world. Long before the suits at GEICO budgeted ridiculous amounts of money into their ad campaigns, the two had established careers as the faceless minions doomed to wear the red shirt in an episode of “Star Trek”. I guarantee you’ve seen them without the Neanderthal makeup on but fuck if you’d know it.

Both of these guys have taken a crack at writing and directing without what would be considered by most people success. In 2003 Weber wrote, directed, and acted in a movie called “Little Red Light” which has a rating of 9.4 of 10 on IMDB presumably because of the 9 reviewers chiming in 8 carried the last name Weber. One 10 star review was doing a pretty good job of talking up Weber until it was brought to the readers attention that Ben “who many people recognize as Skippy from Sex and the City”. Wait, what? This unlucky schmo played a guy named Skippy on a series that’s exclusively about horny cougars? Hot chicks don’t have wanton stringless sex with dudes named Skippy. Maybe if he’d worn the caveman makeup and gone as Skip he’d have got some action.

2009 has been a great year for Jeff Phillips. He has a movie in post-production called “Otis E.” in which he had a minor role.  He also wrote and directed the movie, which is expected to bring in dozens of dollars upon release. Phillips also has a role in a slightly bigger flick, and by slightly I mean one way more likely to do well at the box office and be owned on DVD by over 100 people: “Halloween II,” directed by Rob Zombie is currently awaiting release, and Jeff Phillips has a role in it.

Phillips also played the role of Maurice in the 8 episodes of “Cavemen” that should’ve never happened. Basing a television series off of an ad campaign is a dark moment in American history and all parties involved including Stephanie Courtney, who also sells insurance as mentioned before, should be shamed into complete and total anonymity. Oh wait, that’s happened already.

Victim 6: Offer “Vince” Shlomi of ShamWow and SlapChop fame.

Well before he was vending out products with “Sham” right there in the title, Schlomi had an angle. In 1999 he wrote, produced, directed and acted in a real gem of a flick called “Underground Comedy Movie” which by all accounts, was possibly the absolute worst and tragic attempt at a funny movie at any point in the history of ever. The New York Post and the New York Times both had some acerbic words to describe his would be masterpiece such as “a series of sketches built around subjects like masturbation, defecation,… necrophilia, voyeurism” and just about any other soulless ism, philia, or word ending in ‘ion’. It’s a miracle he didn’t sue.

Miracle because he’s sued just about everyone else. In the same year he sued the Farelly brothers and 20th Century Fox claiming upwards of 14 scenes from “There’s Something About Mary” were ganked from his piece of shit box office flop. The Farelly brothers’ incredibly crafty response for the lawsuit was the “Who the fuck is this dude?” defense and in 2000 they were awarded a metric fuck ton of cash for lawyer fees. Other notable examples of Shlomi’s attempts to steal moolah in a court of law are suits against Anna Nicole Smith and the Church of Scientology. Now it becomes clear where he got his hocking abilities and scam artist street creds. 

In February 2009 Shlomi’s luck took a turn for the worse. He was arrested for felony battery after beating the fuck out of a 26 year old Miami hooker. (How is that illegal?) He claims that she, “bit down on his tongue and would not let go” which is a legit reason for whipping her ass per Prostitute/John case study, but the mug-shot circulated it’s way around the internet nonetheless landing him in the Loser Hall of Fame.