Boybands- young men, looking and sounding so similar to the established formula that Plato would be ecstatic, and not just because of the whole Greek boy-love thing. Yet every generation of girls fall for a new variation on the theme of utter crap.

Who the Hell are these guys? And why are they the first search result?

And why are they all in white, like wee little douchebag angels?

Actually, white's fine. Got nothin' against white.

Just The Facts

  1. 'Boybands were founded in 1482 by Sir Walter Boyband'... is what I would write, if that was at all original and not idiotic.
  2. Arguably, boybands really started with the Osmonds, though the Beatles would probably count if they had been slightly more shit.
  3. Proper boybands are undoubtedly shit.

The Basics

If you need me, an anonymous, possibly less-than-reliable internet writer who once fist-bumped the Dalai Lama at a Motorhead concert to tell you what a boyband is all about, consider yourself blessed by all that is good and holy (much like me, after I had fist-bumped my bro Dali-boy at that concert). However, I'm still gonna tell you, because that's partly why you're reading this topic- to be informed about boybands. That motivation I can handle. Trying to distract your attention from the void at the heart of your futile existence? Not so much. For that I suggest going to a few Motorhead concerts- you get some surprisingly spiritual people there (and not just drugged-up hippie chicks who think that the economy grow if we just gave it a loving home and a nutritious diet).

But back to boybands, which adequately described my position when the current Miss PopeHilarious (I'm not too big on the vow of celibacy thing, ok?) dragged me to a performance of her old idols (ones who thou especially shalt not worship). They make music which sounds much like a lot of other music, except without the inclusion of that helpful little thing we true aesthetes like to call a 'tune'. They sell softcore sexuality to girls too young to really know what sex is, despite the abscence of that little ingredient, normally so important in making men desirable, known as 'actually having balls'. But their audience don't care; a few pelvic thrusts from a few youths with a miracle-working producer and suddenly the converts to these cookie-cutter cuties start to believe they have actual artistic integrity.

So, hypothetical reader who has never heard of a boyband yet still believes they can be entertained by reading a (hopefully) humorous piece about them, you probably should avoid from now on. Go on, just keep living under that beautiful, peace-of-mind preserving, Dalai Lama-endorsed rock of yours. It's better there. But if you're the type who doesn't like to be told what to do (or just devoid of common sense, as your hypothetical choice of entertainment shows), then read on to see some examples of why they're just so rectum-ruiningly wrong...

The Osmonds (I'm not going to think of bitingly satirical puns for these)

Perhaps one of the original studies in suck which would later spawn the boyband genre, the Osmonds were greater than or equal to 4 clean cut Mormon boys who were amazingly sexy because of their religious rejection of sex (makes perfect sense right?). Cute little Donny got all the attention; the other ones had to move to and eventually conquer Turkey and found the Osmond Empire or some shit- again, nobody really knows because we only ever really cared about Donny.

Stupid Osmond Lyrics

'And they called it puppy love Just because we're in our teens'.

Ok, who actually is calling it a puppy love? That sounds like a pretty nice term so i don't know why you're complaining- there are loads worse things they can call it. Not that it's even really accurate; when dogs 'fall in love', it normally involves a lot of horizontal hijinks, hence 'doggystyle'. When a celibate Mormon teen star falls in love, it's probably more like Priest Love, if that didn't have less than positive overtones these days. Teen Love maybe, if that didn't sound like one of Google's most popular searches, if you know what I mean. You see Donny, THAT'S why it's not a puppy love.


N-Sync, you magnificent heart-stealing bastards, united under a common, if near-meaningless and really fucking stupid banner. Why, there was the annoying one, the aggravating one, the irritating one, the one who really pissed me off and that one I didn't really like all that much. Fortunately for us though, Darwin's Theory was true and one of those loveable little scourges on humanity evolved into a Justin Timberlake, and suddenly men worldwide wanted his dick too (though only on SNL when firmly encased in a box).

Stupid N-Sync Lyrics

'Just hit me with the truth Now, girl you're more than welcome to'.

There's such a hypocrisy towards sex in modern popular culture, don't you think? We have squeaky clean Disney-standard stars, yet here are all these good boys singing about loving girls hitting them. I'm not exactly sure what 'the truth' is a euphemism for here, so I can only presume it is paunchy, gruff, leather-clad dwarf named Kevin. It's the only logical conclusion.

One Direction

Once again young British men have claimed America, with results as equally damaging to the natives.

One Direction, or 1D as they are known by people who aren't nerdy enough to confuse this with the world's worst gaming die, consists of, well, people very similar to all the other ones so far, apart from that one of them is slightly less white- see, progress. Well, apart from that everyone's favourite is the blond-haired blue-eyed 'all-American looking' Niall Horan (though maybe his vocal defence of neo-cons and free market economics in his best-sellers helps too), even though he's the least popular back in the old US of K. Despite their overwhelming worldwide popularity and love from the ladies, I at least console myself that having only one direction probably makes them pretty shit at orienteering.

Stupid One Direction Lyrics

Two this time, and both from the same song:

'The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed'.

Seriously, out of all the sexual opportunities available for a world-famous boyband, you're still getting overwhelmed by a glimpse of hair? Have these boys been raised by Victorian throwbacks who are scandalised at the meerest hint of ankle? And 'overwhelmed'? Come on, it can't be that strong! After decades of colonial oppression, the Vietnamese finally overwhelmed the French at Dien Bien Phu. It took 6 long years and millions of death to finally overwhelm the the Axis forces. Apparently though, all they really needed was for a girl to flick her hair a bit suggestively. Wow, wasn't that all a waste of time now we know so mch better?

'You don't know you're beautiful That's what makes you beautiful'.

Now, not to get too philosophical on your collective asses, but these lyrics aren't just idiotic, but they create an infinite loop of contradiction sort of like saying 'this statement is false'. You see, it's not knowing she's beautiful which makes her beautiful. Now if you sing a song saying she's beautiful to millions of people, she might just hear that she's beautiful. Now she knows she's beautiful, which makes her no longer beautiful. As she no longer knows she's beautiful (because she's not), she becomes beautiful again and the oscillaion of being beautiful and not beautiful continues indefinitely.

All this knowing she's not beautiful and losing her beauty the minute she knows it eventually must take a toll on this poor girl's emotional stability, and eventually, living with such volatile self-esteem may even drive her to suicide. However, if she dies, and assuming death is the end, she is now incapable of knowing she is beautiful, making her permanently beautiful, meaning she is really more beautiful to One Direction dead than life.

So, yes folks, One Direction are necrophiliacs. But that says a lot about boybands. So don't listen to them. And certainly don't google them, their lyrics, their pictures and put on some of their music for inspiration so you can write a comedy article about them.