Transformers Movies

What started out as every boy's favorite childhood memory, has been beaten, ass raped, strapped down, and painted gay.

The Initial Premise - Robots In Disguise

What are the Transformers?

The Transformers started out as the most awesome franchise ever. Robots, who hated each other, and had big lasers, transformed into jets and dinosaurs and lamborghinis and race cars. There were the good Transformers, the Autobots, and the bad Transformers, the Decepticons.

The Autobots:

The Decepticons:

However, much like Lindsay Lohan, Transformers only had a few years of fame and have spent the rest of their lives in ever-growing shame and public ridicule.

One thing of note, how badass they all look.

Transformers The Movie (aka Franchise Raping No. 1)

Contrary to popular belief, Michael Bay wasn't the first one to destroy the Transformers. His ideas weren't even original. They first appeared 20 years earlier in the first anal assault on the would-be perfect idea.

The Plot:

5 or 6 Decepticons attack Autobot City on Earth, where all the Autobots live. The Autobots fortify their base, but despite their efforts, the 5 or 6 Decepticons destroy the entire base and kill off most of the Autobots in the first 10 minutes of the movie, including Optimus Prime. New Autobots are introduced, like Kup, an old Autobot with wrinkles and an Autobot whose power is that he talks really fast.

What Went Wrong:

It was as if Perez Hilton was consulted on the production of this movie. First order of business, take that mean old Megatron and give him curved hips and make him purple and give him giant white boots. And when he transforms, instead of making him a pistol, make him look like a soldier doing pushups, but with a big orange penis instead of a head.

Then, we need to get rid of that horrendous red and blue Optimus and replace him with a big red hot rod/motorhome. And put big flames on it.

Other mistakes of note, introducing the Junkticons, who spoke by repeating what they heard on the radio (like Bumblebee in the Mchael Bay movies), had laser nipples, and mustaches and beards.

Transformers Struggle to Find Themselves Again

After Transformers The Movie, the wildly popular cartoon series died down. Over the next 15 years or so, Transformers appeared here and there in bizzare incantations of its former self.

In Transformers Beast Wars, instead of turning into jets and tanks and things with guns, the Transformers turned into things like a big ass penguin, a giraffe, and the most horrifying fucking rabit we have ever seen.

Michael Bay's Transformers (aka Franchise Raping No. 2)

In 2007, MIchael Bay released Transformers and amplified everything that was wrong with the animated movie and added some of his own ideas.

Bumblebee:

The result:

Optimus Prime:

The result:

Megatron:

The result:

Starscream:

The result:

Revenge of the Fallen (aka Franchise Raping No. 3)

For Revenge of the Fallen, Michael Bay took all of the fan feedback from the first movie. Then he filtered out what they liked and amplified the rest.

The plot: Sam has an Autobot Camaro in his garage and is going out with Megan Fox. Since he's a gay retard, he decides to go to an out of state college and leave both behind. That is the pinnacle of the movie's logic. Later in the movie (about 3 hours later), there is some more logic when the transformer who is so old that he has grown a beard and walks with a cane, teleports everybody to Egypt and Michael Bay films Megan Fox running in slow motion away from explosions.

The movie also has burping and farting robots (they fart fire because they are robots). As mentioned above,a Transfromer who walks with a cane.

More importantly, the film has two buck-toothed, retarded Transformers who are apparently black. Sorry, African-Cybertronian:

Transformers 3: Attack of the Boners

It is rumored that Michael Bay is coming back to further drive the franchise into the ground. With the jump from plain old gay looking Transformers to retarded and handicapped Transformers, we have no idea what Transformers 3 will bring.

Perhaps it will look something like this:

Ahhh. Run. It's the Birth Defecticons.

And a special thanks to Fatawesome.com for this one: