Masturbation

We here at Cracked are totally not into masturbation. Not that we judge those who really need to, but masturbation seems to just be a waste of time when there are totally hot chicks to be nailing all the time. If you work at Cracked, this is the reality of our situation. But go ahead and masturbate if you want to, even rock stars are doing it.

But before you begin to tread down this path of no return, consider what you are about to let yourself into. Here is a guide for those poor souls already lost to the solitary art of self abuse, rather than totally having full sex with female human beings all the frickin' time.

People who really like to masturbate can list literally dozens of reasons for doing so. Beware of these people. Realistically, there are only four reasons to ever drop your pants and grab your dong while you're alone.

#1 Boredom

Sample quote: "I'm unemployed and I have no girlfriend, but for some reason I honestly couldn't be happier."

#2 Horny

Darling, I'm going to be approximately three minutes late. And tired.

Sample quote: "I stay late at the office to do work I couldn't do during the day or at home."

#3 Statement/Delinquency

I have done it in Air Force One.

Sample quote: "Some animals mark their territory with piss. I don't."

#4 Desperation/Avoidance

Oh Man, I need to jerk off. NOW.

Sample quote: "Masturbation prevented me from doing something I really shouldn't have. Your sister."

Cracked is aware that females also masturbate, but only in the following scenarios:

1. Whilst they are watching another couple have sex through a crack in the door, an open window or in the woods.
2. They are standing on a balcony or any other prominent position where they can be seen by the gardener/builders/handy man with ease.
3. Whilst giving a blowjob.
4. While waiting around in the background watching the other girl get nailed.

Women feel guilty/dirty masturbating in any other situation.