Masturbation
Masturbation is the most widely used cure for boredom among males. For every woman masturbating right now, there is a guy masturbating while imagining that woman masturbate.
Just The Facts
- Masturbation is self-sufficiency in its purest form so is therefore the most American activity possible.
- Masturbation is highly addictive.
- Masturbation is intended to be a private affair, unless you are a court judge
Cracked on Masturbation
We here at Cracked are totally not into masturbation. Not that we judge those who really need to, but masturbation seems to just be a waste of time when there are totally hot chicks to be nailing all the time. If you work at Cracked, this is the reality of our situation. But go ahead and masturbate if you want to, even rock stars are doing it.
But before you begin to tread down this path of no return, consider what you are about to let yourself into. Here is a guide for those poor souls already lost to the solitary art of self abuse, rather than totally having full sex with female human beings all the frickin' time.
Why Masturbate?
People who really like to masturbate can list literally dozens of reasons for doing so. Beware of these people. Realistically, there are only four reasons to ever drop your pants and grab your dong while you're alone.
#1 Boredom
Sample quote: "I'm unemployed and I have no girlfriend, but for some reason I honestly couldn't be happier."
#2 Horny
Darling, I'm going to be approximately three minutes late. And tired.
Sample quote: "I stay late at the office to do work I couldn't do during the day or at home."
#3 Statement/Delinquency
I have done it in Air Force One.
Sample quote: "Some animals mark their territory with piss. I don't."
#4 Desperation/Avoidance
Oh Man, I need to jerk off. NOW.
Sample quote: "Masturbation prevented me from doing something I really shouldn't have. Your sister."
Female Masturbation
Cracked is aware that females also masturbate, but only in the following scenarios:
- Whilst they are watching another couple have sex through a crack in the door, an open window or in the woods.
- They are standing on a balcony or any other prominent position where they can be seen by the gardener/builders/handy man with ease.
- Whilst giving a blowjob.
- While waiting around in the background watching the other girl get nailed.
Women feel guilty/dirty masturbating in any other situation.
My wife masturbates sometimes when I'm away and can't reach her for weeks. She doesn't feel guilty
ReplyWomen don't feel dirty masturbating in other scenarios! Women like doing it, and probably do it as much if not more than men. I know I do
ReplyYou forgot to mention the root cause of masturbation, having genitals and a hand that can reach them.
Reply"But go ahead and masturbate if you want to, even rock stars are doing it."
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesOne MAY NOT join two independent clauses with simply a comma; as an English teacher, that get's me so worked up! Ooh.... Okay, done. Thanks.
Bringing our work home with us are we?
(Did I need to put a comma in there?)
Get's -1
*has -4 thumbs-up*
I'm a woman - I do masturbate, but oddly enough, I don't tend to like watching porn. My imagination is my preferred stimulation. I really wonder how taboo it actually is. Hard to tell - it's not like I chat with random friends about it.
Replynot when random internet strangers will do
Silly to think that female masturbation is something people think to be ashamed of. It wouldn't seem so.. if you go into a boutique or a sex shop majority of the toys are geared towards women.
ReplyI stopped feeling guilty about it a long time ago and haven't looked back since.
And even being a girl- I really liked this article. It was funny.
I'm not going say anything; just thumbs up. Thumb WAY up.
This should have more thumbs up.
Wait girls masturbate? I thought only fat lonely ones did that.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesOn the contrary, it is a sport us women of all types quite like to engage in from time to time.
it's a sport? holy crap! that would make the best olympics event ever!
I chuckled at Camaro's comment....then Laughed pretty hard at Aaron's. Lmao, nice one guys.
if guys could enter i would be a gold medalist
hahahahahahahaha
im so alone
I'm sorry but IMO (this is to the comments section, not the article seeing as it was satirical) since when is female masturbation still taboo? Also yes we watch porn and any woman who says she watches it jokingly is lying. She is off right now wettin her whistle with one hand on the keyboard.
ReplyObviously youve never been to the christian part of the US, or muslim contries.
You forgot that it also gives you something to do at work when you get tired of reading Cracked articles. Speaking of...
ReplyI'm proud that I masturbate. I leave my toys all over the place to mark my territory.
ReplyI do the same with my fleshlight, and now nobody approaches my territory.
Result.
It is an appropriate context to say that I like turtles?
ReplyLike... or LIKE?
How with a turtle... you know what, never mind. No, really, don't tell me.
I love how voyerism is "kinda creepy" no matter when it happened.
Reply"3. Whilst giving a blowjob.
Reply4. While waiting around in the background watching the other girl get nailed."
Ha. You da man.
martin you da man. sorry I couldnt help it :/
Nice try guys, you can't fool us into describing our masturbatory habits. Just so ya know, it's even hotter than you can imagine...gotta go!
Reply Hide All See All 6 Repliesdamn you.
Ha, you got their number. :)
Just to let you guys in on a secret: girls never masturbate alone. Yes, that is what we do when we leave in groups to the bathroom. Also sleepovers. (Fun Fact: That is the reason Curves, the all-female gym, was created. The more you know..!)
Chixchik, I'm going to hold you responsible for making me tent my pants at work. Damn, you! My coworkers are looking at me funny and my boss is calling me to the office!
Oh, wait. He took a look at my pants and told me to sit back down.
Chixchix, I choose to believe everything you said. And to believe it as often as I can.
Masturbation done by either genders is awesome all around. Cant complain about something makes everyone happy :) (though you will complain, because you are the internet, and its in your blood)
ReplyI want to see an article about women who never masturbate but read Cracked and think it's some kind of scientific journal. These women should be masturbating.
ReplyI want to see an article about men who never masturbate. yeah, like that will ever happen.
"Secondly, no feminist would ever pass judgement on an entire gender like that."
ReplyIt 's not judgement, it is sarcasm.
Only a feminist who is socially retarded would get crazy at sarcasm.
Unless she's a hard-core feminist.
Any woman who thinks that men jacking off is nasty and a woman doing it is beautiful has GOT to be gay. Because, trust me, I don't think that the penis is a particularly attractive part of a man, but the vagina isn't exactly a testament to God's great design. And no matter how ugly I think the damn thing is, if my boyfriend is hard, it's hot. And I think that I'm fairly pretty, and he's fairly handsome, but those parts of us are NOT the parts that I think are attractive.
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesWow. Hot.
I completely agree. Not that anyone cares.
Ducks are always amazing. I look at my husbands erection and it screams strength and power - which is the hottest damn thing ever. And when its soft it's adorable and cuddly.
I don't even want to know why ducks are related to your husband's erection.
I think it was a typo. Dicks become ducks if you make one wrong move.
Actually, it didn't occur to me at first that she'd made a typo, and was thinking that it made a lot of sense. Have you ever read about a duck penis? Strength and power it has (also: nightmares). But also, ducks are adorable and cuddly. I was, however, curious about the district that allowed inter species marriage.
"Japanese pornography is like pot: You can't avoid it, you start out using it to make yourself laugh, but it's usually a gateway to the hard stuff."
ReplySwing and a miss
I was just about to say that that statement was right on... in relation to the Japanese porn. NOT the maryjane part.
Ooh, someone's a little sensitive about their hobbies getting poked fun at...
Masturbating is the second most intimate act in which human beings engage. Number one would be pooping.
Replyare they mutually exclusive?