Masturbation
Masturbation is the most widely used cure for boredom among males. For every woman masturbating right now, there is a guy masturbating while imagining that woman masturbate.
Just The Facts
- Masturbation is self-sufficiency in its purest form so is therefore the most American activity possible.
- Masturbation is highly addictive.
- Masturbation is intended to be a private affair, unless you are a court judge
Cracked on Masturbation
We here at Cracked are totally not into masturbation. Not that we judge those who really need to, but masturbation seems to just be a waste of time when there are totally hot chicks to be nailing all the time. If you work at Cracked, this is the reality of our situation. But go ahead and masturbate if you want to, even rock stars are doing it.
But before you begin to tread down this path of no return, consider what you are about to let yourself into. Here is a guide for those poor souls already lost to the solitary art of self abuse, rather than totally having full sex with female human beings all the frickin' time.
Why Masturbate?
People who really like to masturbate can list literally dozens of reasons for doing so. Beware of these people. Realistically, there are only four reasons to ever drop your pants and grab your dong while you're alone.
#1 Boredom
Sample quote: "I'm unemployed and I have no girlfriend, but for some reason I honestly couldn't be happier."
#2 Horny
Darling, I'm going to be approximately three minutes late. And tired.
Sample quote: "I stay late at the office to do work I couldn't do during the day or at home."
#3 Statement/Delinquency
I have done it in Air Force One.
Sample quote: "Some animals mark their territory with piss. I don't."
#4 Desperation/Avoidance
Oh Man, I need to jerk off. NOW.
Sample quote: "Masturbation prevented me from doing something I really shouldn't have. Your sister."
Female Masturbation
Cracked is aware that females also masturbate, but only in the following scenarios:
- Whilst they are watching another couple have sex through a crack in the door, an open window or in the woods.
- They are standing on a balcony or any other prominent position where they can be seen by the gardener/builders/handy man with ease.
- Whilst giving a blowjob.
- While waiting around in the background watching the other girl get nailed.
Women feel guilty/dirty masturbating in any other situation.
I almost lost it when I scroll down and see that bloody gorgeous asian lady, damn!
ReplyAlso, I save as her picture, and make up some planning to do with it later.
I don't get why so many people are either proud of or ashamed of masturbation. Why does it matter that much anyway?
ReplySexist
ReplyLaaame. And awful graphing skills.
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ReplyNah, I couldn´t be happier. I couldn´t be happier RIGHT NOW, if you catch my drift.
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I've never understood why it's considered perfectly acceptable for a woman to use a vibrator yet if a guy owns a Fleshlight or related sex toy, he's considered to be a lonely, desperate loser.
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesI don't see why anyone needs sex when there's masturbation.
because there are apparently idiots who base their ideas about masturbation and sex on stupid teen-party-movies: where guys are constantly trying to have sex but end up masturbating when they fail, while the girls are constantly trying to avoid sex and only masturbate in order to turn on male viewers.
Because girls are sexy and boys are not, basically.
Because sexuality is a ll a woman has in society's eyes and masturbating is in that limbo between "prude" and "slut"
@WindamEarle As a woman, I agree.
Google "Fleshlight big loser". It's a post from the forums on Fleshlight's official site.
If you ever looked up the stereotype of a guy who would need a Fleshlight, it's this guy. To paraphrase Kanye West, "Now I ain't saying it's a troll post ..."
When someone walks in on you, look em in the eyes and finish.
Reply Hide All See All 3 Repliesdoesn't work if you're a guy. that'd be tantamount to sexual harassment or something i'm sure.
And if you're a girl, he'll just tell the judge you were asking for it.
If I walk in on someone who is "busy", is it acceptable to join in?
I have a sneaking suspicion that most of you people missed the point (read: joke) of the Female Masturbation part. . .
Reply Hide All See All 10 RepliesI think most people got the joke, but some didn't like it anyway.
See, this "hipster misogyny" thing, when you say really sexist things and claim that it doesn't make you an a*****e because you were saying them "ironically", is really a transparent bullshit excuse to say s**t that's degrading to women but not think of yourself as sexist.
It's not new, it's not cool, it's not substantially different than saying misogynistic things and meaning them. So f**k whomever wrote this article and whomever is defending it.
the main problem is women get left out. you guys get pages of stuff, and at the end we get acknowledged and the guy sticks in a joke that indicates he's aware he's leaving out the chicks and admits it's a dick move... which is really a cool thing for him to do given most masturbation joke sets leave out women -entirely-, he's mocking them and I appreciate it, good joke. haha.
now, write me my pages of masturbation jokes
I don't think you did get the joke, Otter. It's talking about porn. It's a porn joke. It has nothing to do with misogyny (unless you're one of those people who think porn is misogynistic, in which case... yikes).
Get in the kitchen, bitches.
I'm with Ottershoe. He or she basically said everything that I think when I read certain articles here. Also, wtf itchy? 97% of porn is misogynistic.
97%? Really, you calculated it? Even if that's true, it's irrelevant to the joke being made. The joke is MAKING FUN OF PORN.
Also, if porn is misogynistic, does that mean gay porn is misobottomistic?
i've heard of girls who say they never masturbated as teenager but went directly for full sex, because they didn't realize girls CAN masturbate. apparently because they got their sex-ed from porn where female masturbation only serves to please male spectators.
now, i think that's misogynistic. and way more damaging than male-oriented porn featuring some unrealistic male/female interactions.
it just sucks there isn't much female-oriented porn on the market.
and i don't mean the kind of porn where they do some c-grade acting before everybody jumps in the sack. who ever decided that that was what women like must have been a guy who figured that the thing women hated in porn was the sex (since all women are frigid) and so he tried to make porn with as little sex as possible.
i'm fairly certain i'm not the only women who wants to see SEX when watching porn. but not boring misogynistic vanilla sex with a hot twenty-year old woman faking orgasm after orgasm with fat&old&bald ron jeremy.
in the same 'clueless straight guy' category is when guys try to convince their gf to watch porn with them. and then when she fails to get aroused from things like the sight of 2 women making out they figure that this just confirms that girls 'just aren't very into porn' (hello??? is your girlfriend a lesbian? how do you react to the sight of 2 dudes making out?)
@clytamnestra, girls who go to full on sex before masturbation are completely uneducated and somewhat repressed if they aren't exploring their own bodies before they jump in the sack. THAT little fact nugget you s**t on us is not what makes porn mysogynistic. There is wide spectrum of porn and you can't just lump it all together. The article looked like it was mostly making fun of men because they're kind of silly when it comes to sex and masturbation. In all honesty it is funny, the differences in men and women. I thought this was funny because it took all of its numbers to the extreme to make points, and every bullet was sarcasm or irony. (read: comedy graph and article) Anyone getting offended by this is a little too sensitive to be reading the material on this site. I'm a woman and in my opinion both masturabation AND sex are f*****g fantastic. Porn is just porn, if you don't like it then don't watch it, you know. It's not like they have a hard time making money.
To be extra clear: it's not that I think that it's never possible to ironize over double standards. However, a (yet another) article that focuses on male sexuality, on a website where many if not most articles are written with the assumption that the reader is a straight man, is not the place to do it convincingly. The irony doesn't work because the article doesn't give any indication that it's not actually the author's opinion (this doesn't mean that people will take the hyperbole literally; it just means that the author doesn't have the sex-positive cred to pull off a joke like this).
I thought this would be more cute and funny. I don't like this whole 'I can only think of women enjoying masturbation if she's in these porn' thing. Not a good joke. ):
Replydef
"nailed" :eye roll:
Replywow. What a charmingly misogynistic article. You...er, you don't know many women, do you? Or...any?
ReplyMissed the joke much? I'll have mayo on my sammich.
That wasn't mayo, tough guy.
who would have figured the comments section on this chart would be full of delusions of everyone being the jesus of f*****g
Replythumbs up if you finished masturbating, closed your porn and then read this
Replyi did it in reverse.....so yeah. bye guys! you know where i'm headed!
I am a very avid masturbator and I dont feel in anyway ashamed to say that. It's healthy and it keeps me disease free, as you can see from my pic I not that unattractive so I am able to get a guy to nail. Honestly though, there has been no man NONE that can give me a better "O" than I can give myself. Just being honest. :-)
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesYou will notice no fucks are being given, this trend is expected to continue
umm i dont understand your dry saracsm JeremyNeill...can you put that "joke" in a funnier term??
Oh, I wouldn't say "none" Wink, wink.
i agree with your view on masturbating being something to be PROUD of. but i disagree with your haughty attitude.
I'm a woman and I also give no fucks. Something is really wrong if you have to go tell strangers in a comment section about how proud you are about diddling with your cooter. I'm all for people masturbating as much as they want as long as it isn't in a public bathroom on a sink with their dog watching, but really? You might as well have told us that you're an avid shitter and you love to poop all day.
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ReplyYou can do better than this, Jazz.
Women give up on masturbation after they've had this guy right here! It'll never be the same!
Replymasking a woman so repulsed by her own genitals, and what you did to them, that she can't bring herself to masturbate ever again is not something to be proud of
From "Heavy Metal" ... "Earth women who experience sexual ecstasy with mechanical assistance always feel guilty."
ReplyI'm female and I tried masturbation a few times but it didn't feel very pleasurable so I just gave up.
Reply Hide All See All 8 RepliesWHAT!?
You're doing it wrong.
Were you doing it on the balcony? If you don't have a balcony, then that's probably what's wrong.
You might have been doing it wrong. You might be putting too little or too much pressure on whatever you're touching, depending on what your preference is. Also, if you're penetrating yourself you might have a dry or tight vagina...if the fancy strikes you, try using something smaller and/or lubricated. Or you could be touching an area that doesn't give you pleasure and missing one that does. Do some research on the female sexual areas and see if that might be the case. :3
Alternately it just might not be the pleasurable for you no matter what, and there is nothing wrong with that.
You should let me have a look at that.
I'm male but I have huge boobs so when I masturbate does it count as female masturbation?
As a woman, your most erogenous zone is your brain. You can have an orgasm without even touching anything. You just need to know that it is okay to have those feelings and just think of whatever perverted thoughts you want. Women have spank banks.
you have to relax, not feel guilty. and try a few different things to see what works for you. go to wikipedia and some sex-advice websites if you need some pointers as to what equipment you have down there and what you can do with it.
every woman is different, so what works for me probably doesn't work for you. (penetration doesn't do much for me, only when it's coupled with touching 'the rosebud')
only do it because you feel horny (or curious), not because you think it's something you *have* to do to in order to be 'normal'. forcing yourself into sex will just make you feel awkward and very much not-horny.
if you want to get horny you might read some stories or watch porn (but again: don't try to force yourself into sexual arousal) to get in the mood and get inspiration. just don't use that kind of material as a step-to-step guide, since the writers usually took some artistic license.
if you really aren't into sex/masturbation than that's fine too. lots of people are not interested in (certain) sexual acts.
My wife masturbates sometimes when I'm away and can't reach her for weeks. She doesn't feel guilty
ReplyShe should. Because she's not masturbating. Because I'm f*****g her. Also, you have poor taste in magazines.
That's both hilarious and fucked up at the same time! But mostly, hilarious.
Women don't feel dirty masturbating in other scenarios! Women like doing it, and probably do it as much if not more than men. I know I do
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesOn behalf of men everywhere, I accept your challenge. I'll let you choose the water-based lubricant.
Who needs lubricant? Oh, I forget, some guys are missing part of their peepees -- hee hee!
hm, lets talk numbers here.
now that i'm single: 2 or 3 times a week. ranging from '3 times a night' to 'once a month' depending on stress and other circumstances.
which of you guys does better?