Creationism

Have you ever wondered where we all come from? Are you willing to believe anything anyone tells you without a second thought? Would you like a pet T-Rex to ride around on? Then welcome to the wonderful world of Creationism.

Just The Facts

  1. God created everything in the span of 6 days (he rested on the seventh) about 7.5-6 thousand years ago.
  2. Scientists are evil Devil worshippers who want nothing but to send you to Hell for all eternity.
  3. Evolution is easily refutable. Look at the first verse of the Bible "In the Beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth." What more do you need?

The Creation

God created everything ever over the span of 6 days. Not that he needed 6 days to do it. He could have snapped his fingers and created everything instantaneously. He probably just wanted to make sure everything was perfect. Not that it wouldn't have been perfect if he did it all at once. He just wanted to prove to us that he cared enough to spend time creating everything.

Day 1: God creates Heaven, Earth and light. It is interesting to note that at this point God had not yet created anything that actually gives off light. The Sun and stars aren't created until day 4. God also instituted day and night by separating light from darkness. Not sure how that was done without a Sun but God is perfect so we shouldn't question him and just assume it makes sense.

Day 2: God divides the water below with the water above. Water was created along with the Earth on the first day. Today it appears that God taught water to evaporate so that it could be part of the firmament, the area around the Earth.

Day 3: God commands the water to gather in specific places. This allows land to form. From the land God brings forth every type of plant. These plants are kept alive by God's will alone as there is not yet any sunlight to nourish them. More proof of God's awesome power.

Day 4: God makes the Sun, Moon and stars with which he finally able to use his light invention.

Day 5: God creates all of the animals in the sea and all of the birds in the sky. Then immediately tells them to start boning one another.

Day 6: God creates all of the land animals including Adam the first human man. God also commands all the animals to commence with sweet, sweet babymaking. Adam however is left without a mate and is forced to witness all of the crazy animal fucking going on around him. This possibly lead to the first incidence of beastiality.

After all that creating God decided to rest on the seventh day. Not that God needs rest. He is all-powerful after all. He probably rested to... well he needed to... he did it because... FUCK YOU THAT'S WHY!

Dinosaurs

Since it's a fact that God created all the animals including humans in 2 days, and since fossil evidence proves the existence of dinosaurs, using the transitive property (see what we did there we're using sciency math stuff to show we aren't making this all up) this must mean that dinosaurs and humans lived together relatively recently.

Isn't that awesome. Just think about it. Life about 6000 years ago was probably just like the Flintstones. Since we are such a superior race we probably had dinosaurs doing all kinds of stuff for us. Think about Roman gladiator games. The history books tell you that they fought tigers and lions but they probably also fought vicious dinosaurs. In fact there's proof to make us suspect that dinosaurs lived into the 15th century what with everyone talking about fearsome dragons. They were probably just dinosaurs.

Unfortunately dinosaurs are all but extinct in the modern world. Every once in a while you'll get someone spotting the Loch Ness Monster which is probably just a plesiosaur that managed to survive to today. Further proof that dinosaurs and the Earth could not have existed for billions of years.

Dangers of Evolution

The evil false religion of Evolution (Evolutionism) and it's satanic racist false prophet Charles Darwin are nothing more than vessels from the Devil to turn people away from God. Evolution leads to immorality which leads to hell and hell belongs to Satan. Bringing back our best friend the transitive property this means Evolutionism=Satanism.

The teaching of evolution leads to homosexuality. Since the basic principles of Evolutionism are completely against the facts about the Creation set forth in the first book of the Bible, Genesis, everyone who believes in evolution is morally corrupt. The Bible is the only source for guidance on moral matters and if you believe differently from the Bible on one matter you obviously disagree with everything in the Bible. It's a proven fact that moral corruption not genetics (another hook Evolutionists use to lure you in) leads to homosexuality. By teaching this religion in school we are turning several impressionable youngsters into gays. It most certainly has nothing to do with the fact that we treat altar boys like pincushions for our dicks... I mean... if that ever happened... which it didn't... just another Evolutionist plot to try and stain the purity of the church.