Anakin Skywalker

Anakin Skywalker becomes Darth Vader. Thanks to a really cool uniform, Vader is known as one of the baddest men in the galaxy. Lets delve a little further into that theory...

Its all down hill from here.

Let's review. The ;chosen one' is an angst ridden whiny little bitch.

All things being equal, I would prefer four working limbs and... well... a face.

Just The Facts

  1. Anakin was born into slavery on the planet of Tatooine.
  2. Anakin had possibly more command and power in the force of anyone ever born.
  3. Poor decision making as well as emotion led Anakin turn all of Anakin's potential into the near destruction of the known universe.

A child of promise... A child of light...

Anakin Skywalker is the son of Shmi Skywalker. His father? Near as any one can tell, Daddy some sort of weird sperm of a mystical energy called "The Force" referred to as midichlorians. Shmi just sort of got pregnant one day. Considering that the pregnancy occurs in the New Mexico of the universe and Shmi is a slave, no one really questions all of it considering that the boy is a slave as well. The boy is named Anakin (which probably means 'no child suppor't in some distant alien tongue) and demonstrates an ability as a pilot as well as fixing mechanical objects.

No one ever stops to think that young Ani might be happy just being a space craft mechanic as well as weekend racer on an inert dust ball. Nooooooooo... along comes the Jedi who are convinced that he is the SAVIOR OF THE UNIVERSE. Before you can say "FLASH....AHHHHHHHHH"

Anakin has his freedom bet against his ability to race and this now means he must go with the Jedi. You know... to live a great ife saving the universe.

This life will actually end up leaving most everyone he ever cared about either dead, alienated from him, or cutting off a limb. Yes, pretty much every appendage on Ani gets taken off. Don't believe us? If you are a man, strip naked and go bathe in .... this.

Now go to the bathroom and attempt to pee. Do you notice anything important in this process missing? Well, maybe you will look good in panties after the skin grafts. Congrats on living and all. At any rate, Anakin has to be approved to be a Jedi in training. This involves going in front of the learned Jedi Council and being asked a series of questions. They also feel you out to see if you are emotionally stable enough for the rigorous training and life style. Keep in mind that not everyone is cut out for this. Some people would probably still be better as piltots tooling around with star ships on weekends. There is no actual shame in that.

After what is basically an opening examination, Grand Master Yoda (the undisputed leader of the council) who has been doing all of this for around eight centuries responds to the mere idea of this kid being a Jedi with "Jerking us around you are?"

Qui Gonn assures Yoda that he is not indeed hung over from a Jedi game of beer pong and still wants the boy to be a Jedi. Yoda pats him on the head and says that they will talk later. They never do. Following a page out Last Action Hero, Qui Gonn decides the best way to protect the boy is to take him on an incredibly dangerous mission. Somehow, the boy emerges as a hero when an entire armada is inexplicably called off. Qui Gonn dies (this will become kind of a theme) and the boy is hailed as a hero for destroying a mother ship.

No not that one.

Not that one either.

Now you've just stopped trying.

Thank you. Destroying this ship is the height of your accomplishment and the only thing in your life that cannot be considered a complete and unmitigated failure.

Most Everyone Who Loves You Dies... Usually Because of You.

This is Mom. She died because you could not get to her in time.

Jedi Master Mace Windu. He mentored and tried to help you. You cut off his arm and threw him out of a skyscraper.

Ashoka Tano. She was your padawan. Either you killed her, you let her die, you could not save her, or died in the purge you started. Either way, we don't know how many pieces she ended up in but death was not due to old age.

This is your wife. You sold your soul to save her. That did not exactly work... at all.

one of the kids you wasted.

The mentor that you finally managed to kill... on the second attempt.

Some guy you force choked.

This would be your other mentor. The one you tossed down a nuclear reactor.

Why Does The Best Swordsman In the Galaxy have a 500 Record?

Lets review the most feared light saber duelist... ever.. well maybe.

Loss. Keep in mind. There were two of you AND you had two light sabers at one point AND still lost your arm AND had to be saved by a muppet.

WIn. After a two on one situation. And you cut off his hand... and head. Eventually.

Loss. Lost limbs. Lost dignity. Lost skin. Lava bath.

WIN!! Congrats. You beat an elderly man... who gave up.

WIN! You beat a kid who had never been in a light saber duel in his life.

Loss. By round two, the same kid figured you out and ... well... OWNED ... you.

Just General Failure.

You lost a battle station because you could not stop a farm boy or detect a Corellian fighter was going to shoot you.The second time it was lost due to the power of teddy bears.

How can not catch THIS GUY? He has ONE arm and is in shock.

To review, was Tatooine really so bad, you nutless wonder?