Skyrim

Skyrim - AKA Elder Scrolls: V, AKA "turn that shit off, mumma needs to watch her stories, you little turd" - has drawn an abundance of attention, bewildered anyone over 45 and produced one of the worst game-reference jokes of all time.

Just The Facts

  1. A roleplay and experience/skill "level" based style video game.
  2. The 5th edition of the Elder Scrolls saga. (Following on from 'Oblivion').
  3. Took legal action against creators Minecraft for, well, no real reason i guess.
  4. Cause of a most dreadful joke (you probably really hoped it'd sneak it's way in here, didn't you? you disgust me).
  5. Damage Life (50 points for 3+ hours)
  6. May cause virginity to grow back and your children to forget you exist.
  7. Leading cause of large scale debate about the true existence of dragons (among fuckwits and mall goths)

The jist.

Skyrim's world offers rich, beautifully detailed landscapes, mild violence, nerdy magic, potions and enchantments, occasionally funny dialog and a reasonable excuse to blow off your wife for 3 hours or so without having to drown your braincells in sweet, sweet lager at the local.

Unless ofcourse, this is your wife...

In the epic of Skyrim, you find yourself in a world torn by war, in the wake of the Oblivion crisis which nearly ended the fucking world, in a country where magic is frowned upon and all the chicks seem want your meat-mallet. Pretty quickly in the game you will discover that you are the prophesised "Dragonborn", destined to defeat the World Eater (some grim as fuck dragon from the past who eats people in heaven. Yes. He literally re-gains his strength by pillaging heaven and eating the honoured dead like a true badass dragon prick would do)

C'mon Dragonborn, the real hero wouldn't let a little dragon from the past phase him.

and, also probably eventually marry into a boring, sexless virtual relationship with a labouring wife (hey, atleast she cooks and pays better money than some of the small quests where some asshole gives you a shit potion after they clogged up your objectives inventory with their needy favours). Infact, you can even marry into same sex and form inter-species relationships.

It's against God, damn it!

You will consult with a bunch of weird pussies in cloaked hoods and robes that live on a massive mountain with a dragon (yep) and be told some more shit about your apparent responsibilty and duty and how you are ill-prepared and a clutz (basically) but also still their only hope.. However; honestly, long before you even got this far you will have been absolutely bombarded with shithouse favours (quests) from all manner of assholes about the world. During this time, to your delight you will discover that you can pick up fucking everything (including books. Yep. Fully worded, authored books that detail stories and other useless shit relative to the world of Skyrim), shortly after resulting in dismay when you realise you cannot carry fuck all decent weapons and the aresonal of potions and scrolls you saw yourself lugging around gleefully conquering the asses of every asshole creature out there (especially the shithouse cat people that only fuckheads and girls pick). Throughout meeting these various charicters, many will happily preach to you their beliefs and how you can help them/their god/their devil prince out with some shit - yeah, i know, this pushing-your-belifes-within-5-minutes-of-meeting shit doesn't exactly sit well in real life, but just try to think of all the sweet devil weapons you can use to fuck up those shit cat people.

Fucking god damned cat people.

To clarify what i said earlier, "devil" quest refers to the games 'Daedric Quests'. Let me explain these;

  • Some asshole in the game usually tells you about this sick Daedra dude they worship and how you should come do his statue a favour.
  • So, you then find this statue, it's pretty impressive you guess, and usually wants an offering.
  • Some prick has to die in some way, somehow.
  • You get some sick enchanted artifact, usually a strong enchanted weapon or a pack of Marlboros.

Clavicus Vile's signature blend.

So if all this wonderful wankery about dragons, dungeons and demons hasn't got your virgin crotch tingling with sensation, how about all those fucking wizards and spells? After you have wasted hours of your life smithing, mining, tanning, concocting, smelting and all that other pointless shit that will have you on the edge of your (well, your mum's) seat, all in order to boost retarded "skills" and obtain better weapons and potions for your ever anticipated slay-fests, you will probably only be good at two combat based things - sneaking around like a fucking cat person and cumbersomely swing a weak weapon about your enemies general direction, which honest doesn't fair so bad in a mostly level-dependent enviornment, even against large numbers of bandits or vampires - but when you're trying to fend these various swine off you may find yourself dodging a bombardment of god damn wizard spells and conjured creatures attacking you with all sorts of bad voodoo. When first playing Skyrim, one will observe that firstly, you only really have a choice of 3 primary offensive types of "spells", and you may have guessed them the moment you heard some shit about "magic" - fire, ice and lightning - and secondly, magic is pretty horseshit untill you can summon some forces of super evil to do your bidding and disintergrate cat people pansies with your lightning, but untill such a time the enemy wizards will be handing you your ass on a platter, while another one of them is still fucking it.

"ASL baby? Wanna be my slave?"

As far as choice in questing goes, you might not know where to start. With almost every single charicter within the game asking for some obscure favour for many minor objectives and smaller quests, and a variety of "guildes" (ranging from nerdy mage scholars to assassins that kill in the name of some badass entity named Sithis, and for money ofcourse) offering positions within their ranks, as well as a god damned civil war to particpate in, it's hard to say that there isn't something you could waste a few hours/days on inside of this virtual world.

Anway, you said something about a lawsuit?

Darn tootin', i did. And the lovely collective group of cyber nerds and runaway pedos that is Cracked.com already briefly shed some light on this in an article already; http://www.cracked.com/article_19745_the-5-ballsiest-easter-eggs-hidden-in-video-games.html

But you can read something maybe not written by a pedo here; http://www.tomshardware.com/news/Skyrim-Scrolls-Minecraft-Markus-Persson-Mojang,13189.html

Seriously, how absolutely shithouse is Minecraft, though?

Yeah, look, you see, it's good and all, but the dialog still sounds like it is all by the same 4 boring nerds (but occasionally bunging on an accent), the whole darn thing just feels pretty scripted, those fucking cat people, those fucking wizards, and that fucking joke...

I don't honestly really understand the "angle" the creators of this game are working, but one life guiding moral stands out far above all others learnt through interacting with the weird, wonderful and fucking annoying world - take a dragon's soul and you gain his sweet, sweet knowledge. In conclusion, realistically I'd love to give it two big thumbs down (hell, I'd love to give it the fucking forks AND finger for that matter), but it is really hard to do, since I cannot put down the fucking controller and stop questing for ingrates - you win again Skyrim.

Still, there is always room for improvement..