Fast Food

Peddled By: Taco Bell, Amigos, Chipotle Mexican Grill

Fakesican food is mexican-themed fast food that often claims to be "Authentic" but is actually about as Mexican as Carlos Mencia (He's from Venezuela). Taco Bell is definitely the worst offender with things like "enchiritos" which sound Mexican but are completely made up. Fakesican food is about as close to health food as you will find at a fast food joint, since they somehow manage to not be full of as much artery clogging fat and sodium as burgers, despite having a greater than 20% cheese content in some cases.

Fakesican food was put on earth by mighty Quetzecoatl along with Mexican beer to both kill the white man and make us love every second of it.

Peddled By: KFC, Chick-Fil-A, Popeyes Chicken and Biscuits

Slightly worse than the fakesican food, but still better than burgers is fried chicken. Most fried chicken buckets are fried dioramas of Jeffery Dahmer's appartment, being that they are merely a collection of random dead body parts, coated in breading and fried is scalding fat. This is what nature truly intended the chicken to do.

Eating fried chicken from one of these places automatically puts you on the same plane as Stalin and Pol Pot in the eyes of Vegans, equating you with massmurdering assholes due to the sheer number of individual animals you consume in a single sitting. You also get biscuits, which are delicious, and if set out to dry, can be hurled at Vegans like rocks made of lard and flour. They can be softened again with Vegan tears.

Peddled By: McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's

By far the most popular and plentiful of fast food restaurants are burger joints. They simultaneously ensure that the cow population of the planet will alway sexceed ours, and that one day cows will rise up and slaughter us all in a massive revolt of terror and cow-pies. Or they will continue to moo and get eaten; one of the two.

This brand of fast food often offers crossovers with the other two types, but mostly feature all-beef patties of various sizes with various toppings, all designed as sodium and fat delivery vectors, stimulating your brain like special-sauce covered heroin and morphine with pickles. It is impossible to resist the siren song of a fast food burger, even though your bowels know that it will inevitably cause them to explode violently.

Burgers often come with vegetables on them, but true burger patrons indulge in things like Baconators and Monster Thickburgers which treat cheese and bacon like veggies and smother the burgers in mayo and ketchup to make sure you aren't too low on cholesterol and corn syrup (which are nearly as important to bodily functions as trans-fat and MSG).

Peddled By: Dunkin' Donuts, Honeydew Donuts, Krispy Kreme

Unlike the other places, donut shops sell, well, donuts. They typically specialize in sweet food, coffee and breakfast, making sure that the first meal of the day doesn't slip under the heart-attack radar. Along with donuts they usually sell breakfast sandwiches of an egg-like substance on a bagel, biscuit or croissant (sorry, so far none will do it on a donut) with bacon, sausage or ham. Even the donut shops can't resist the siren song of meat.

Typical donut standbys include glazed, chocolate and Boston Creme. Often they are deep fried to golden perfection, sold with cups filled with sugar and (fatty) cream laced caffiene-juice to start your day off right.

Not everyone loves fast food, and some of them aren't happy to sit and let you eat shit in peace. There are those who would try to make the fast food industry stop with the heart-stopping excess and produce more responsible food; these assholes (vegans) would take away our God-given right to stack together several tasty different animals into single creations of loving goodness.

Except for the peopel in Finland. Since Suicide is their national sport, many Finns engage in wanton fast-food eating as a means of slowly killing themselves, using special sauce to cover the lingering darkness intheir hearts, which matches the 11 months of winter they "enjoy".

Here are som examples of killjoys and retards who either want everyone to think like they do, or were just too stupid to live in the first place:

Fast Food Lawsuits

Some people are either awful liars, or just fucking stupid. The average person did not need documentaries (see below) about fast food to know that it was bad for you; bacon and cheese are God's obvious way of saying "Have a little bit of Heaven while you speed your way to our pearly gates on a stream of drippings and cheddar". However, there were a spate of lawsuits several years ago where fuckatrds actually attempted to sue fast food chains for providing their fat, gluttonous with food that wasn't good for them.

Their argument? That the restaurants hadn't clearly displayed the health information of their food. They were actually suggesting that if they had known, say that their daily diet of Quarter Pounders and large fries had 51 grams of fat in it, They might not have eaten it.

We call mega-bullshit. That argument is like a heroin addict saying if they had seena label that said "THIS SHIT WILL KILL YOU" they would have stopped. Why let a little thing like "common sense" fuck up your chi? Here are some of the guilty retards that filed lawsuits.

Bronx Girls Sue McDonald's

One ate an egg McMuffin and Big Mac a day , while the other liked Happy Meals and ate at McDonald's 3 or 4 times a week. Both were short and fat, which was apprently a surprise to their parents who, while wading through giant piles of empty fry holders and burger cartons found their girls to be out of shape, meanwhile scratching their heads in confusion.

Clearly the girls would have controlled themselves if they had known, quantitively, just how fucking terrible their diet was. Instead, they blissfully went about shoving grease covered food into their gator-like maws, all the while wondering why they were balooning.

The McDonald's lawyers pointed out that the following could also have played a role in their increase in girth:

Genetics, medical conditions and sedentary lifestyles. In case you are wondering what a "sedentary lifestyle" is, its running, jumping and generally getting about as much exercise as a potted plant.

Caesar Barber

Another mountainous slug, also from the Bronx (Jesus, do they have anything but fast food there?), Caesar made headlines when he filed lawsuits against McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's and KFC. Apparently a lot of the fat was collecting in his balls. He claimed the fast food chains were responsible for his obesity, 2 heart attacks and diabetes.

Presumably if he had been hit by a car, Buick would owe him BIG. However, he ate at fast food restaraunts 4 or 5 times a week, so that would be like jumping in front of that Buick most weekdays and occasionally on weekends.

Both cases were handled by a fuckbag lawyer named Samuel Hirsch who had dreams of a New york state-wide class action suit where he clearly cared about his clients and not the millions and millions of dollars he stood to gain if they won. He claimed their addictions to fast food were fueled by their inability to resist the massive advertising campaigns the fast food companies used to convince people they would enjoy their tasty food.

Clearly, if it weren't for the animated Col Sanders and Juston Timberlake's "I'm Lovin' it." all 3 people would have been olympic decatheletes. The world weeps for it's loss.

Documentaries

Fast Food Nation, Supersize Me, Food Inc... Killjoys all of them. They have a message, and its a HUGE NEWSFLASH; Fast Food isn't healthy for you. Did you know that? Of course you did, because unlike the people listed above, most Cracked readers, actually most of the world, isn't retarded.

All three (and others) espouse that fast food is evil and you will die a horrible, corpulant death if you have it more than once a decade. Never mind that in the case of Supersize Me, the director/guinnea pig is dating an overbearing vegan Nazi and hadn't eaten meat in go knows how long.

Sometimes Fast Food restaurants buckle under the pressure of their food being called "dangerously unhealthy" and decide to provide you with supposedly healthy alternatives. We would like to note there is little chance of either Hardee's or Burger King being listed here (oops).

Some cases succeed; Dunkin' Donuts' new DDSmart lineup has some food that actually reuires somepretty serious abuse to be bad for you, their turkery sausage egg white flatbread sandwich (Jesus that's a long name) actually manages to have LESS fat than the straight up egg version. Nice job Double D. Nice.

Sadly, that level of non-retarded is very rare.

McDonald's has a section of their website called "Food, Nutrition, & Fitness", which is slightly more ironic than "The Hitler cultural sensitivity center"[citation needed]. Here we find pictures of the few things on McDonald's menu that aren't food metaphors for an ICBM aimed at your arteries. Digging a little deeper, we find their salads. Looking at the fat, you see some with as little as 4.5 grams of fat. Hey, Awesome job McDonalds...

Oh wait, that is without chicken, which makes it vegetables. 4.5 grams of fat for vegetables? Okay, so in that particular case, there are tortilla strips and cheese, which means the veggies only account for half a gram of fat. How the fuck does lettuce and tomato have fat? Are they just covering their bases?

So basically, what you get without chicken is a really expensive bowl of old mixed vegetables. So of course you get the chicken. Hell, even with grilled chicken, its still not bad at 9 grams of fat. But then there is the dressing. In America, if there is one thing we inhereted from the French people who lived here before they were exiled to Quebec is that food tastes like shit without sauce. So we add salad dressing to our salad;

If you went for the tasy ones (Creamy Ceasar or Ranch), that 9 grams of fat just jumped to almost 30. If you had crispy chicken, you might as well have a Big mac and spare yourself the additional 9 grams of fat. No shit...

If you opt to go for grilled chicken sandwiches, they aren't too bad, except they still weigh in with fat contents in the double digits. Skip the mayo and that cuts off half of it, and you wind up with dried cardboard on a bun. Yum.

Interestingly enough, some of the "healthiest" fast food is Fakesican. Sure, some things like the Volcano Burrito from Taco Bell is just fucking awful for you, but by and large, the average taco has only 7 grams of fat. That's a beef taco, and its better for you than grilled chicken. We now declare Fakesican "Health Food". Up yours Richard Simmons.

Every so often a fast food company tries to mix things up and introduce items that aren't part of their normal menu. Showing how open minded and forward thinking the Political Correct culture has made us, these things failed completely due to their lack of "sameness" with the rest of the restaurant's menu.

McDonald's tries to be the Wal-Mart of fast food

McDonald's has tried to add new genres several times in the past, with 0 success. Not all of their attempts to mix things up were complete deviations of course, but some of the most spectacular failures were. they tried pizza, hot dogs, corn dogs and even bratwurst. Needless to say, none o fthese ever caught on.

They have also tried to add variations of burgers to their menu. Some stuck, like the Big and Tasty. Others didn't. Here are some failures (that still kinda sound delicious):

The Triple Double Burger: Also known as the HolyFuck burger. It was 3 pieces of beef with 2 pieces of cheese, served on a McRib bun. It was sold under different names for different markets, all catering to local sports legends, like The Michael Dean Perry burger in Cleveland, the Jason Kidd burger in Phoenix, and in Canada, the Hockey Burger... (either McDonald's or their Canadian test panel is stupid)

The Philly Cheesesteak: Discontinued in 2007 in Australia and America, still selling in Canada. Apparently it was McDonald's that was stupid after all. (We're going on a road trip to Canada).

Arch Deluxe: Was touted as a "Luxury Burger". Since it didn't come with a Mercedes or cause women to drop on their knees and offer oral sex in its presence, customers called Bullshit and it was discontinued. Or something like that.

McLean Deluxe: Showing that the same guy who came up with the Arch Deluxe was both not creative, and clueless, this was an attempt to make a less fatty quarter pounder/McDLT type burger. Nothing about "Lowfat Burger" sounds good, so we will move on.

McDLT: Aside from catapaulting Jason Alexander to our screens long before he could annoy us further as George Castanza(See Below) , the McDLT was a decent enough idea, except it missed the entire point of "fast food". The idea was (accorrding to the commercials) to keep the hot part of the burger hot, and the cool side of the burger cool, making it exponentially tastier when you yourself put them together, instead of the kid making them doing it just seconds before you eat it. Apparently this 30 second gap of time from placing the condiments on the meat had previously resulted in nasty disgusting piles of shit that no one would eat, ever. Except for all the people ordering everything but the McDLT.

The major flaw was that most fast food customers are going to a fast food restaurant to skip any and all steps in food preparation. if we had it our way, unwrapping and lifting the burger would be a burden taken away from us. Stupid McDLT.

Burger King eschews creativity for ripping off McDonald's

A scant 30 years after McDonald's introduced the Big Mac, Burger king Introduced the Big King. It was 2 patties, special sauce, lettuce cheese pickles onions. If it was a book, McDonald's would currently own Burger King. Instead, recipes can't be copyrighted, so Burger King once again proved they were the McDowel's of the real world and just ripped that shit off.

Despite actually being tasty as hell, Burger king also showed that there is nothing on their menu (aside from a Whopper) that they won't discontinue without warning or purpose. Here are som eitems that show this is not always the case, however:

BK Back Porch Grillers: Burgers flavored specially to taste like they were cooked over the open flame of a grill, unlike BK's other hamburgers, which are only cooked over an open flame.

Shake 'em up Fries: Fries, in a bag, with powdered cheese. You added the cheese to the fries and shook them up. The writer of the wikipedia seemed very distraught that no explanation was provided by BK as to why they discontinued "powdered cheese fries".

BK Specialty Sandwiches: Fast food versions of Meatloaf sandwiches, Italian Sausage sandwiches, a steak sandwich (made with "restructured steak"), a hot ham and cheese and veal parmigiana. Because when we think "Burger joint" we want "shit we wouldn't eat at home".