Alien Abduction

Being Abducted by an Alien is like Kissin' Yer Sister, Now!

Humans from past generations were significantly shorter. And dressed in snazzy metrosexual british outfits

Architecture helps illustrate and reflect on how much taller humans have grown with every passing generation. (This man is smiling - you can't tell)

Us in 40 generations. On the hill there.

Just The Facts

  1. Generation after generation, we grow taller, more pale, less hairy, and have less nails
  2. Aliens often pick up and penetrate hillbillies and like to land elaborate and amazing machines in small farm towns. Our airports don't leave fancy enough marks
  3. Hillbillies are magnets for penetration.
  4. Aliens either abduct us to learn more from us. Take something from us. Or teach us something

Alien Abduction is Hillbillie Incest


Alien abduction has been a hot topic for controversy and is often regarded with a furrowed brow, or other British facial expressions that connote incredulous attitudes. Lets get one thing straight. If a man - nay, a man from the south, a man in a community of farmers that cherish conservative values, the American way, and their own masculenity says that he was penetrated  --  isn't it worth perking your ears? Don't you think you should hear them out and take something seriously?

As though it weren't already a problem that aliens prefer abducting hicks in the middle of nowhere with less common sense than teeth, it would seem that recent alien theories suggest incest is more than just a funny stereotype for hillbillies.

Scientists have proven that with every generation, humans become taller, less hairy, and more pale. By observing old architecture, it has been easier to illustrate how much we've grown in so little time. Until the existence of aliens are proven/disproved, theories are broad and diverse: try this one on for size with the information already briefly mentioned.

For simplicity sake, suppose the earth had one hundred people on it. The earth can't take us all and is going to shit, so in a last effort, we use technology to send half of us into space to colonize and repopulate. That's fifty on earth, fifty in space.

Now suppose that the earth comes to an end in all the ways that Dennis Quaid, Bruce Willis, and John Cusak have tried to survive. The waters flood, the freezing ensues, the volcanoes erupt, etc. The world and human life ends. Now we're left with a rebooted earth. The enriched ash from volcano's, the lack of pollution, the moisture, it all comes together to start history again. Every specie, every animal, all the stages, all the inventions, innovations, history repeats itself for thousands of years.

Now suppose it repeats itself to about the time we would recognize as the nineteen fifties. What happened to the colonies in space? Did they survive? If they did, all that passed time would have taken a toll on generation after generation. As scientists have observed, we would (by then) be quite lanky, pale and gray, less hairy, little to no nails, what would we look like? That's right. Voldemort. We would be hell bent on trying to kill a single child, failing to do so, and still managing to be feared and thought so capable and menacing that nobody should mention our names out loud. Seriously, though. Aliens.

So you're an ugly alien with technology up to your eyeballs, but as the generations have passed, you've lived and learned and want to correct the mistakes your predecessors made. You want to come back to your home and give us immunities, inspect us for genes you lost, find ways to steal our hair and make you pretty again, who knows! You land in obscure locations where you pick up hillbillies and stick things in them.

Here's the kicker. It's humans penetrating humans all over again, and for one reason or another, the real mystery isn't “Do aliens exist”, it's “Why do hillbillies insist on incest and same sex/specie penetration”?

Aliens abducting humans used to be puzzling and creepy. Humans penetrating other humans is plain ol'fun. Humans penetrating men from hick towns in the rear is something we thought was best kept on the farm and never dreamed would reach the depths of space.