Men's Rights

After too many men had been bested by too many stubborn jar lids, they banded together to put a stop to this humiliating gender slavery once and for all.

Just The Facts

  1. Men's Rights Activism started in the 1970s to make polyester seem like a good idea.
  2. Clint Eastwood was born without the ability to understand the term "men's rights."
  3. Their flag is a fussy note about rinsing out cans before putting them in the recycling bin stuck right in the middle of a laptop screen and signed first and last name and dated.

Men's what now? Is this a thing?

Yes. Men's Rights Activism began as the natural response of American males to the growing threat of feminism, in much the same way that burning your house down is the natural response to the threat of ghosts. In both cases, a better solution would be to walk away and let a less emotionally fragile man deal with the situation.

Dispatch, I think you have the wrong guy. Whatever. I can deal.

As women are granted even more rights and power in society, the MRA movement is growing in both size and sheer screeching decibels, as men who simply will not tolerate being held down by the harsh, unyielding demands of the feminist movement let their voices be heard. To such advocates, the future is a bleak dystopia where men are kept in pens and robotically milked for sperm, while women rule the world with a manicured, moisturized iron fist.

Pictured: Hot robot Not pictured: the robotic man-milker

To the rest of the world, this is clinical evidence of Enzyte toxicity.

A brief, baffling history

Like disco, the Cricket World Cup, and other poor lifestyle choices, it all started in the 1970s.

As the '60s drew to a close, the feminist movement was building steam, moving beyond burning bras and liberating college girls from the brutal tyranny of the penis, and moving into real-world applications such as equality in the workplace. Most men in America responded with a resounding, "Feminism? Is that the thing where women want to start bringing home paychecks? Haha, those crazy broads. I guess I can dig that."

Now what say we go swap house keys and cold sores with the neighbors!

Perhaps owing to some confusion over puberty or a particularly gentle wrestling coach, some men took offense at the support these women were getting for their cause.

"Feminism?" They cried, clutching their skirts in dismay. "Women's RIGHTS? What about MY rights? What about... meninism, or whatever?"

And that's the story of how Men's Rights Activism became a real thing for actual adults to believe in.

Meninism, or whatever

If you're a Men's Rights Activist, you're probably a man, at least genetically, and are almost certainly the kind of mush-dick who blames his inadequacies on his mother. Through some random miracle, you may even be a functioning member of society, but driving cars and paying taxes seems trivial when you're busy building female-impenetrable bunkers and robots that only kill things that nag or menstruate.

If you're a man, and are not a Men's Rights Activist, congratulations on being able to walk upright and having a functioning penis!

Only kidding, but we're not rescinding that congratulations.

We're all for equality -in the workplace, in society, wet t-shirt contests, whatever- but at no point thus far in our national history have men been relegated to second-class citizenship because of women. Making things more equitable for women is not the same thing as surrendering your rights so they can use them while they go do woman stuff, like pooping together or Bloodsport.

Or taking Bolo to Victoria's Secret to find his exact bra size.

Standing up for the rights of the people who have been in charge of everything since we started doing this whole "society" thing is ridiculous. The kind of mind that would conceive of that idea with any sort of sincerity is so clumsy and socially oblivious that it deserves its own spot in the autism spectrum, like Asspergers, maybe.

It's like that spoiled cousin who always got her own present at someone else's birthday party: it's such a childishly self-serving concept it's almost satirical.

MRA and the modern man

If you're reading this, there is a 60% chance you're a man, and since today is happening now, you're probably pretty modern. You've seen metrosexuality take off like a foppish rocket, watched as orange Italian herpes monsters became famous for being exactly how we described them, and have even witnessed the birth of a creature so steeped in its own collective faux stylishness that even they can't decide if they're cool or a bad joke.

As a modern man, you've seen quite a bit, and yet even you cannot fully comprehend the depths of pathos and self-loathing it would require to advocate the rights of people who have dominated everything since every time, ever. The only thing more pathetic than a man crying out for his rights as a man--as a direct result of women demanding their own--is a white guy bitching about being called a "cracker;" yes, it might be racist or sexist, but what are the chances that you're actually hurt by them?

We're not saying you're a pussy for standing up for your rights. We're saying you're a pussy for feeling threatened by somene else standing up for theirs.

Let's be serious for a moment

We understand that a lot of men's rights activisits are fighting for legitimate causes: like parental visitation, various reproductive rights, child custody, and fair treatement in the event that your hormone-crazed hambeast of a wife beats your teeth in for not doing the dishes. We know there are ligitimate issues at stake here. We actually support some of them.

What we're talking about here is Internet Men's Activism, where the second someone makes a comment about women's rights, comment sections and inboxes instantly fill up with the cries of the poor downtrodden middle-class white male, mostly in the form of misspelled rants about c*nts and n-words, or off-topic bitching that misses the point so badly that we think they accidentally replied to the wrong article. Someone sees a forum thread about Reddit's apparent child porn problem, and takes that as a chance to wave the banner of men's rights, not in support of child porn (thankfully) but because someone had the audacity to set the blame primarily on men.

And the best part of all of it is that most online MRM/MRA defenders are teenage boys, who are primarly afraid of women's rights, and rightly so, because then their moms would make all the rules forever.

The online face of Men's Rights actvism

Perhaps the best way to avoid ridicule from the public (and bring needed attention to actual issues) would be to not lump every disparately themed problem that men have into one kind of placard-bearing "advocacy." Not only would that bring back some semblance of legitimacy to the various real causes, it would greatly increase the distance between you and the denizens of some of the worst places on the internet.

"Activism" is usually reserved for situations where attention needs to be immediately brought to what is typically thought of as a dire subject. What's happening now is barely comparable to sharing control of the A/C thermostat. Just discuss it quietly and it'll get fixed.

A Conversation with an Internet Men's Activist

Not long after this topic page was created, the comment section exploded with self-righteous man-children explaining why all the above is wrong and men are the most downtrodden of all people. One particularly vocal commenter was privately requested by this writer to take his whining elsewhere. The following conversation is the result of that request.

Note that the commenter's name has been changed, primarily because of this writer's sense of decency, but also to see if our hero here has the balls to own up to some of the crazy shit he said.

Why don't you find somewhere else on the internet to wave your little banners? You're certainly doing your cause no great deal of good by behaving like a cunt in comment sections.

This topic is making fun of people who support men's rights on the internet, almost exclusively to the detriment of women's rights. You clearly don't understand words or how things work.


Dear Mr. Schroeder.
Because you wrote a self righteous sexist piece that could only have been conceived of as masturbation fodder for feminists. I don't like self righteous sexism. I also find it funny that you messaged me to flame me for calling you on your bullshit.

You know what this site is, right? And did you know that sometimes jokes are used to express opinions, or to ironically juxtapose two or more things to illustrate a point?

If you'd actually read the article you'd know that men's rights aren't what I was making fun of, at least seriously.

The main point is that men's rights ACTIVISTS are, almost to a man, screeching little wimps who equate their relatively few problems with those of women and minorities who've been downtrodden since we started this country. And that, to speak plainly, is goddamned pathetic.

Dear Mr. Schroeder,
Relatively few problems? Men have relatively few problems? Men are about three times more likely than women to be murdered. Men have no reproductive rights. There is even evidence to suggest that men are more likely to be raped (And I'll bet you think prison rape jokes are fucking hilarious) than women are. Men are more likely to be imprisoned for crimes they did not commit than women are. Men don't have "relatively few" problems. Men have almost all of the problems.

Do you honestly believe that men being more likely to be murdered has anything to do with a man's rights? EVERYONE has the right to not be murdered, dude. And I love how you neglect to mention the fact that the vast majority of murders are committed by men. Are THEIR rights being withheld, too? A guy just can't catch a break, am I right?

I would really love to see this research that suggests men are more likely to be raped than women. Is it written in crayon and signed "FatC" at the bottom?

And no, prison rape isn't all that funny anymore. Maybe if it were only child molesters (who tend to primarily be men) being raped in prison, but otherwise it's just too all-encompassing to laugh at.

"Men have almost all of the problems"

That is an absolutely, hilariously insane thing to think.

At first I was mad at you for being so stubbornly set in your "waaah, what about MY RIGHTS AS A MAN" mindset, but not anymore. Now, I honestly feel bad for you.

Be careful out there, buddy. It's just a rape-murder conga line from here to hell.

Dear Mr. Schroeder,
The fact that most murdered men were murdered by other men does not change the fact that they were murdered. I can't believe (Actually, I can) that you would be pathetic enough to suggest that it's OK for men to be killed so long as other men kill them. As for the rape of men in prisons, look it up. Society has made a joke ("Don't drop the soap!") out of the most common for of rape in our society. It's pathetic. And men do have almost all of the problems. False convictions, sexual assault, murder, all these are problems men face. Women face... talk show hosts who are douchebags.

You really are just talking to yourself at this point. And much like other pretend-activists, you're inventing things to be mad about. No one said that it was okay for men to be murdered, no matter by whom. If you'd have your nurse re-read my last message to you, you'd see that I said exactly the opposite.

You're tilting at windmills, man. It's people like you who give all activism a bad name. With your straw men and fallacious arguing tactics, you sound like any other johnny-come-lately slacktivist who doesn't actually make any difference in the world: you just whine about things on the internet and consider it a job well done.

So, good job, I guess.

That is the end of the conversation, as our hero has yet to respond to the final message. No doubt he and his brave compatriots are out scouring the countryside to avenge the neverending injustices done to men in the name of women.

It's difficult to know how serious this person is, or maybe how brain-damaged. Normally, one would simply say "he's trolling" and move on, but in this case it doesn't jibe. The conversation started on the writer's end, and the comments "FatC" left mesh nicely with his apparent philosophy of men being the ultimate victims of everything, forever. That is a pathetic thing to think, certainly, but it's also somewhat frightening.

So what's the answer, smug internet guy?

Oh that's easy, it's "Fuck you, insulting section title."

It's also, well, we don't really know. There isn't a single answer to all these issues, kind of like how there isn't just one type of cancer. Wait, whoops. We probably don't want to make that comparison, because this is where some MRA comes mincing bitchily into the comments to screech about how men are a million times more likely to die of cancer, or something, and how come women have all these fancy machines to tell if their boobs have cancer when prostate checks require a finger in the butt and so on. Okay, that's an exaggeration, but if you've been paying attention thus far you know it isn't very much of one.

The fact is that even MRAs don't have an answer besides a continuous low-watt seething that makes their chins vibrate at the exact same frequency as middle C. All right, that was the last crack at those poor guys. This isn't very productive.

In truth, obviously men and women are different, and as a result we have different issues and lifestyles and strengths and weaknesses. But we're treated differently by society because that's just how things have been for the past forever, give or take. Things are starting to equalize because it's the right thing to do and people are working toward that end, but also because it's the natural evolution of society, although honestly it took a goddam long while to happen.

Finally, even more words.

Don't go away thinking that FatC up there is representative of all men fighting for legitimate rights, because he's far from it. The real issues men face are serious and deserve an appropriate amount of respect, which is why we haven't really touched on them.

You may be unaware of this, but on the internet, people can sometimes be real assholes. Even in the comment section of a website whose literal only purpose is to tell jokes, you'll find plenty of opinions like those above, and worse, all under the banner of Men's Rights activism. You'll find whole communities of men telling stories about committing some act of dominance or rebellion against a female superior. Not sex stories, mind; stories whose climax is based "telling that bitch off to her face," "putting her in her place," and so on. The sorts of things you wouldn't say if you were telling off a male superior, in other words. This is where you'll find surprisingly militant MRAs who don't have really any specific cause or purpose other than reactionary fuming about women's (and, no bullshit, sometimes children's) rights. It's absurd and, unlike the difficult realities of the actual struggle for a person's rights, it's perfect fodder for a comedy article.

The author of this article would like to clarify that he is bad at feminism1 and does not espouse it as a philosophy2

1. Believes it is too incomplete an answer to a complicated set of problems.

2. Boobs.