Princess Peach

Princess Peach is featured in more games than anyother female video game character... ever. This makes this perpetual damsel in distress like the Luke Skywalker action figure of the video game universe.

Here we have Peach in classic 'damsel' wear.

Peach also has a sassy sporty side.

That's just Peach being Peach.

Just The Facts

  1. Lets be honest. If your name was Princess Toadstool, you'd stress the word Peach too.
  2. Princess Peach has been kidnapped by Bowser over a dozen times. She has this down better than April O'Niel or Lois Lane.
  3. Super Mario Sunshine will make you want to bleach your eyes out with clorox and have a Man In Black flashy thingy you.

The Beatles Only Wished They Had a Mushroom Kingdom To Rule

Princess Peach Toadstool is the ruler of the Mushroom Kingdom. Far from wearing tye dye and finishing all of her sentences with the word 'man.,' Princess Peach is blonde hair and blue eyed. She almost always displays her femininity by wearing the color pink and has the power of hearts. None of this actually saves you when you are kidnapped yearly by this sort of turtle.. rocky.. spiky... thing. Princess Peach is ruler over a mystical land that is inhabited by magical mushrooms and .... toads. Toads are of course the natural enemies of turtly spiky ... rocky... things. Naturally, a powerful woman and the height of gentile femininity dates... an Itallian plumber. Peach is actually a step up from the last tramp Mario dated. All that girl could get kidnapped by was runaway gorillas that went really funky in their old age. At any rate, lets get to that thing Princess Peach Toadstool... does so well...

Where's the great white Hercules to fight the rising odds?

Princess Peach gets kidnapped. If you have any experience with Super Mario or its subsidiaries, you have pulled Peach's ass out of the fryer more times than you have even dated most women. Lets take a look at Princess Peach's imprisonments...

Super Mario Brothers - Peachums first appearance was in the 1985 Nintendo classic Super Mario Brothers. In this adventure, we learn that Bowser has invaded the Mushroom Kingdom. Before all is said and done, Bowser will turn into those Capitol One Vikings that spends so much time in the Kingdom; you forget he was ever a marauder in the first place. One of Bowser's great tricks is not only kidnapping a whole passel of unworthy Princesses, but also proceeding to turn living things into rocks. Bowser then puts a coin in to each creature. The effect is that you smash a screaming living rock in order to get the rocks money. Mario an Luigi must have taken the population of the Mushroom Kingdom down by like 50 percent in this manner. The other inhabitants are turned into living mushrooms which need to be squashed. The Itallian plumbers go through fiery level of hell after fiery level of hell only to find each of the castles in the Mushroom Kingdom is hiding a different Princess. Hopefully. this means that Luigi got some real 'not your princess but still kind of easy' action from somewhere. Finally, the Mario brothers save Princess Peach from Bowser. This will become a trend. Princess Peach then presumably returns all the living creatures in the Mushroom Kingdom back to life. The assumption is that destroyed bricks are restored to pieces of dead rotting flesh. Sadly, this can only be imagined in 8-bit.

Super Mario 3 - In Super Mario 3, Bowser simply assumes that there was not Itallian plumber proofing the first time around. Bowser again takes over the Mushroom Kingdom from guys who would eventually retire to Islamabad and have no idea where Osama Bin Laden was hiring. Mario once again has to come in and save the day. Mario is even nice enough this time to anger PETA by wearing the remains of some squirrell raccoon...umm....flying...thing. We guess wearing any fur is wrong. Bowser ends up mocking the brothers in Pipe Land. They are then informed that their Princess is actually in Dark Land. The brothers brave Dark Land to save the Princess. The Princess informs them their Princess is in another castle. This is one of those wink wink nudge nudge ... I'll pimp slap you when the pixels stop rolling woman.

Super Mario World - In the creepiest pass around girl between brothers not named Baldwin. Princess Peach starts this adventure vacationing with both Mario and Luigi in Dinosaur land. Its all more than a bit awkward and you don't even want to know what they did with those plungers ...until Bowser shows up and ... kidnaps Princess Peach. This time Bowser is only out for straight up people taking. Bowser is not even interested in taking over the Mushroom Kingdom. Bowser just wants the girl. So, Bowser utilizes home field advantage and takes Peach to Castle Bowser in the Valley of Bowser. Just for some added insult, Bowser holds her in a Koopa Clown Car. The mistake is that Peach can throw toads at Bowser from the car to help defeat him. Bowser remembers and will correct the mistake of allowing Princess Peach to move the next time.

Super Mario 64 - In Super Mario 64, Mario is actually lured into the madness of the Mushroom Kingdom by being promised cake. Cake isn't so bad. After all, whats wrong with cake? So, Mario goes all up into the Mushroom Kingdom or a nice day of cake and something that must stretched out like a clown car by now. When suddenly, Bowser shows up for a fourth round of kidnapping. Peach moving the last time was a bit of an issue, so Bowser turns her into an impressive pink fresco. There are a couple incidental toadstools captured in there as well. So, Mario has to put on his big boy overalls and save ... the ... kingdom... and ... Princess Peach... again. Mario does this. This makes him the first person to ever have to dodge fiery balls and flying morning stars for.... cake. True to her word, Princess does let Mario eat... cake... at the end.

Dueling Banjos In Mushroom Land

Super Mario Sunshine - Lets set this straight right off the bat. The Sunshine these people had in mind when they wrote this was that really disturbing Sunshine movie where the perdophile father loves all of his sons friends. At the end, he finally truly shows his jealous son that Daddy loves him too. This is not the good Sunshine movie where the Alien type survivors het way too good a look at the sun. Once again, Princess Peach goes on vacation with Mario. Once again, Bowser shows up and kidnaps her. This is where things go to a Dr. Evil level of ....weird. Bowser shows up with ... Bowser Jr. Bowser introduces Bowser Jr. as Princess Peach's son. The following speech from Princess Peach would have been some what appropiate.

"That is not my son. Its not true. I can prove that it is not true because in all of the times that I have been kidnapped by you, we have never had sex. I do not and have not ever had sex with a big spiky turtle thing. Therefore, its not my son. I don't even remember giving birth. So, first, we didn't have sex... so not my son. Second, I did not give birth... so not my son. Which part of this is hard?"

Peach doesn't actually deny that she might be Bowser Jr's momma. She really just looks really confused. That means that she recalls having sex with Bowser. Moreover, she recalls giving birth to..something. It may have been Bowser Jr. It may not have been Bowser Jr. All of the details are really sketchy. The next part is where we get into Luke/Leia levels of kissing weird. Bowser Jr also has a thing for Peach. Bowser Jr has probably been raised thinking Peach was his momma all along. Whether Bowser Jr was what Peach gave birth to after Bowser and her had sex is irrelevant, lets just say Bowser Jr thinks it. Bowser Jr totally lets it known that he wants to bang the living toadstools off of his momma Princess Peach. He is practically willing to jack up Daddy to get a piece of momma. Bowser attacked Mario using Mecha-Bowser. Mecha Bowser is well exactly like the idea of Mecha Godzilla. So before total defeat, they fly off in the head of Mecha Bowser to a hollowed out volcano and take in some rays in a pool of green acid. By they, we mean Bowser, Bowser Jr, and Princess Peach. Bowser calls this a family vacation. This is a family vacation in the same manner that the Manson Family took a little trip away from the Spahn Ranch in order visit Roman Polanski and Sharon Tate. So, Mario has to save his girlfriend who may or may not have had sex with the big tutly spiky thing she is now on a pool of green acid with. The 'happy' ending is that a listless Bowser kind of fights back / sips more grape juice and Mario saves Peach. No one asks any questions as Mario and Peach finish their vacation. The game player is left to wash out their eyes with clorox and pray to never remember any of this again.

Can we Just Go Back To Simple Happy Normal Kidnappings?

New Super Mario Brothers - Anyone remember the Chickenhawks in Looney Tunes? The little Chickenhawk was always trying to prove is worth by taking in Foghorn Leghorn or ... you know... a dog. In the Bowser family circles, you are just not a true Bowser until you have kidnapped Princess Peach. So New Super Mario Brothers was a chance for little Bowsy to earn his spikes. Bowser Jr successfully kidnaps Peach because (well its not that hard) he snuck up on her. Mario goes on predictable adventure/ vengeance. Mario has to defeat Bowser and Little BJ at the end. Of course, one can only hope that a little bj was a reward as well.

Super Mario Galaxy - In order to execute this plot, Bowser had to get higher on ganja than Dennis Hopper in Easy Rider talking about the civilization of Venutians. The concept is ... Screw it... were just flying the whole Mushroom Castle into space with Princess Peach in it!! Let the lttle people go marvelling over Marmalade skies and Kaleidoscope eye children gawk in wonder. So having enough of all of this earthbound bs, this little party is going into space. Just for good measure, there were airships to attack the good people of the Mushroom Kingdom. This was during a centennial celebration in which a Dragon with a goatee and the voice of Burgess Meredith was probably going on about the values of little boys. Fortunately, even from space a Mailtoad can still get messages to Earth. Some woman that would be a ton easier to date shoots Mario from a Comet Observatory into the heart of the galaxy to fight Bowser Star Wars style. Every thing is returned to normal at the end. Presumably, the next week's supply of whatever Bowser is smoking has some really good stuff.

New Super Mario Bros. Wii - Woman can't even have a birthday party or a bar-b-que without someone wanting to come back around and start something. Really? Really!!! This time, the cake is the trap. Bowser Jr and the Koopalings (which is actually NOT the name of a progressive band from the 1970s) jump out of the cake and take Princess Peach.. again... because its on the to do list. Mario and Luigi jump to action. This time they have the help of the Blue Toad and the Yellow Toad. The effectiveness of multi-colored toads is a little questionable. However, if you lick the Toads it causes this sensation that is .... well... really great. This is now our eighth kidnapping, so there is kind of a rythem to it all. Take back the Princess from the spiky. Thank the toads. Lick the toads. Enjoy said marmalade skies.

Super Mario Galaxy 2 - Funniest thing. In the actual Alice's Adventures In Wonderland book, the Mad Hatter could not actually recall what the Doormouse said. It could have been 'feed your head.' It could have been 'When the mushroom kingdom decides to throw a big party, hire some extra security.' So they throw a big Star Festival complete presumably with Smurfs running around singing la la la la la sing a happy song... when Super Bowser shows up. Super Bowser is the size of Godzilla and is hopped up on some sort of Star drugs. So Bowser wrecks the kingdom, goes to the center of the Universe, and as almost an after thought kidnaps Princess Peach. So, its off to the center of the galaxy.. to infinity and beyond... to rescue the Princess and clean out some really really funky toilets. Mario accomplishes all of this.

Princess Peach is also kidnapped in a variety of other games, comics, television series, and movies. Woman spends lots of time in a Koopa Dungeon is all we are saying.

Here She ComesTo Save The Day!!!!

Super Princess Peach - She's SUPER!!! THANKS FOR ASKING!!! Eventually, you have to give Princess a day in the sun. Mario and Luigi are actually kidnapped by Bowser in a twist. Its Princess Peach to the rescue with her parasol. At this point, Princess Peach's parasol may or may not be a sentient being named Perry. When the parasol is folded up, Perry the Parasol may have doubled as Agent P. Agent P, in our imaginations, stops Dr. Bowsersmirtz from taking over the tri-state area while summer loving brothers focus on plumbing. We have not done all the reasearch. This may or may not have already been the plot of a Mario themed game. Anyhoo, Super Princess Peach was accused of a bit of back door sexism by insulting over 40 percent of the game playing public. Many people who played Super Princess Peach felt like SPP was made to easy ... because ... there would be .. girls playing it. Apparently, when you have to get off an imaginary unicorn, interrupt tea time with stuffed animals, and put on the Hello Kitty controller, you are just too busy for a hard game. Princess peach does spring ... flutter ... whatever.... into action and saves the day .. once. Lets not get too excited. This is still male dominated Japan giving us these games here.

Its a Peachy World, Were All Just Living In It..

Princess Peach is a playable character in every Mario game that does not require her to be saved at some point. At the very least she is in the background. You can drive a go-kart as Princess Peach. You can do nearly every sport imaginable including riding a pink rice burner as Princess Peach. She is a very active girl when not in ceremonial frills and bondage. She just happens to spend a whole lot of time in ceremonial frills and bondage.