Cooking

Cooking has been helping people fornicate since fornication existed.

At sometime in your life, you are going to have to stop waiting for your mom to make food for you.

This is why it is important to learn to cook

Just The Facts

  1. The easiest way to a man's heart is through his stomach.
  2. Chocolate contains phenylethylamine, the same chemical that is released in the brain when you fall in love.
  3. Cooking combines art, science, and technical skill.

Why It's Important For You to Learn How to Cook

According to Men's Health:

For 55% of women, eating a an amazing meal turns them on.

83% of women find it a turn on to cook with their partner.

70% believe that an adventurous eater is adventurous in the bedroom as well.

And 96% say that having a meal cooked for them turns them on.

Cooking can be separated into two categories - savory dishes and sweet dishes. Savory dishes are your entrees and side dishes and sweet dishes are your desserts. Here is an outline of both types.

Savory Dishes

Steak:

Pictured below is the filet mignon, one of the least used muscles of the cow, and therefore much more tender than the chewy shoulder or leg portions. A filet mignon has very little fat and therefore, is often cooked wrapped in bacon to keep it fron drying out. A rib eye steak is a very fatty, but flavorful cut. A tri tip, skirt steak, or a top sirloin also has outstanding flavor and are more reasonably priced.

Chicken:

Roasted chicken can be complemented with a citric acid, such as lemon or orange juice, and seasoned with herbs suge as fresh sage to bring out an aromatic earthy smell.

Fish:

Grilling salmon on cedar planks that have been smoked for an hour will give it a smoky taste. For a quick and delicious recipe, mix 2 tablespoons of mustard and 2 tablespoons of honey and brush it over the salmon. Sprinkle crushed almons or macadamia nuts over the brushed salmon and spray with a butter spray. Cook on cedar planks until flaky and cooked all the way trhough.

Baked halibut filets stuffed with crab cake are also an easy way to cook fish.

Lamb:

Mix whiskey, honey, and fresh minced garlic and coat your lamb chops with the thick glaze. Sear on a high heat on both sides. Serve with diced mango, red onion, and cilantro with lemon juice.

Pork:

Nothing scares pigs more than the deliciousness of its own rib bones. The perfect rib should fall off the bone when cooked. A paprika, garlic, chili rub applied before cooking will enhance the flavor. Add a sweet, spicy, tangy bbq sauce 15 minutes before done cooking to let the sauce carmelize on the meat without burning.

Potatoes:

There are 1000 ways to cook potatoes. Potatoes are made of complex carbohydrates (starches). When cooked, the inner surface of the potatoe will break down into simple carbohydrates (sugars). Different potatoes break down differently and react differently to boiling as opposed to baking. Red potatoes are excellent for baking. Take several small red potatoes and dice into wedges. Toss in a bowl with garlic, parmesan cheese, butter, and kosher salt and bake at about 325 for about 45 minutes to an hour.

Sweet Dishes

Sweet dishes require far more art work than savory dishes. A carefully crafted cake, not only represents the skill and care that went into creating the dish, but can create anticipation and get the salivary glands working, signaling to the brain that it is still hungry. Very, very hungry.

Strawberries and raspberries have a tart taste, which compliments chocolate well. Homemade whipped cream, or creme chantilly (2 cups heavy whipping cream, 1 tsp vanilla, 1/4 cup powdered sugar) can also act to offset some of the richness of a chocolate dessert.

The sweetness of white chocolate, although not really a chocolate, can counterbalance the bitterness of baking chocolate and adds aesthetic value to any dark chocolate dish.

Chocolate dipped strawberries are easy to make and extremely delicious.

Non-chocolate desserts:

Cream puff swans are a lot easier than they look. Place tear drop shaped bits of cream puff dough on a cookie sheet. For the necks, simply use the left over dough to create a skinny S shape on the cookie sheet and bake for about 5 minutes. Take the puffed up tear drop cream puffs and cut the top half off. Slice that top ih half to make your wings. Fill the inside with whipped cream and insert the S-shaped head in the front. Dust with powdered sugar and serve on a plate of raspberry sauce.

Plating

Plating is the art of aranging food on a plate (usually on top of some kind of sauce), to make it look even more appetizing. Plating takes great creativity and skill.

Creating outlines using melted chocolate and filling the patterns with a raspberry sauce is a quick and easy way to make an attractive and functional design.

How Getting Animals Drunk Led to the Greatest Invention Ever

Usually, meat is categorized as Select, Choice, or Prime. Select is the cheapest cut. Choice is a little bit better. Prime steak is what they sell at great steak houses. Kobe beef is infinitely better than Prime. Kobe beef would not even wipe its ass with Prime beef. Kobe beef is what Zeus cooks when he is planning on getting laid. Kobe beef is to Prime beef like Yoda is to Jar Jar Binks. Kobe beef is The Dark Knight and Prime beef is Batman Forever.

Kobe beef is noted for its exceptional marbling:

Kobe beef was invented in Japan by scientists who discovered that giving cows warm sake and giving them massages somehow makes their meat tase incredibly delicious. We would like to think that the trial and error that led up to this conclusion did not involve doing sex stuff to cows, but the chances of that being wrong are pretty good.

It's like this, but the happy ending is being slaughtered.

The Fastest Way to A Man's Boner is Through His Stomach

Some female chefs are really good at what they do. Other female chefs are really good at what they do too, but they don't do any cooking.

Giada

Ahhh..Giada. Teaching us how to make spaghetti and macaroni and cheese five days a week. You Roman goddess of Italian cooking. A quick Google image search will tell you that Giada cannot not put her boobs in your face. Yes, in many ways, she is a perfect human. For this reason, she took a prominent spot in the 6 Most Gratuitously Cleavaged Women article.

Just to prove that we are not joking, look at the book. She is signing opposite a picture of her leaning forward putting her boobs in someone's face. Her forever hunched over back is the next step in human evolution, we say.

Rachel Ray

Rachel Ray is a do-it-all type of homemaker, like Martha Stewart. Except she's not a felon, she has a sexy raspy voice, and she has been in FHM Magazine:

Rachel Ray is a professional chef who has a show, a magazine, and a blog to bring you recipes like Quesadillas (**spoiler alert** cheese and a tortilla heated. She adds canned beans and frozen corn), Green beans with onions (**spoiler alert** It's green beans and onions). Also, all of her recipes have the search tag "Yum-o!" Here is our favorite recipe: Chocolate on a Wooden Spoon with a Hot Brunette in a Black Bra and Miniskirt (**Spoiler alert** Yum-o!).

Padma

Padma Lakshimi wrote a cookbook in 1999, so naturally, they gave her several shows to host on the Food Network and a role in Mariah Carey's movie, Glitter. Since her rise as the author of a cookbook, she has since written a second cookbook (eight years later) and can now be seen as the host of Top Chef on Bravo.