Kim Jong Un

Kim Jong Un has settled in as leader of our favorite insane country. Matching dad's batshittery will always be his greatest challenge. That and not looking like a clueless fat kid who was granted his wish to be a dictator. Here we chart his progress.

Just The Facts

  1. Kim Jong Un's past is artfully shrouded in mystery to enable his propaganda machine to easily retcon his past glories.
  2. Despite having no verifiable previous military experience, he was promoted to the rank of General shortly before his succession.
  3. He is a big fan of Michael Jordan just like his father.
  4. At age 28, he became the world's youngest head of state.

The man

Kim was schooled in Switzerland. According to his class mates, he was shy and retiring. That's about as much as we know of his youth until the kind North Korean media machine fills in the blanks.

After his whirlwind rise to the highest ranks in the military, Kim was reportedly responsible for "masterminding" the shelling of a South Korean island. He told his subordinates to blow it up and that's apparently how he became a "brilliant military strategist."

"We vow with bleeding tears to call Kim Jong-un our supreme commander, our leader."

"the genius among the geniuses"

"a great person born of heaven"

"respected comrade who is identical to Supreme Commander Kim Jong-il"

These are just a few entirely accurate non-hyperbolic descriptions of the young tyrant. Indeed the last quote has prompted theories in the more "speculative" corners of the Internet that he is an actual clone of his father. The clinching evidence lies in the fact that Kim looks a little like his father. There can be no other explanation for that!

Kim the younger has supposedly done his best to clone his father's signature as well.

OMG! They're so kind of similar!

To prove to the world that there will be no let-up in the lunacy, Kim is said to have had plastic surgery to craft his double chin.

The economy

In the bizarro Disneyland that is North Korea, the vast bulk of government expenditure goes into its industrial military complex. This is what it's famous for. Little is known beyond the nation's world class cartoon industry, hyperfactual school textbooks and some godawful building whose only shortcoming is the lack of a great blazing eye above it.

But how is Kim Jong Un handling economic sectors that actually relate to the well-being of North Korea's citizens? Here is the estimated growth for the first quarter of 2012:

Lies, damned lies and ooh look at the pretty graph

Kim Jong Un has reinstated universal food rations for the first time since 1995. Aside from grass and bark which the North Korean government actually continues to advise people to eat as dietary supplements, a guaranteed serving of rice is now on everybody's dinner table (or dinner patch of squalid filth).

Depressingly hilarious, is it not?

As sobering as that may be, there is hope. There exists an underground economy that is known of, yet ignored by the regime. It is thriving and growing rapidly.

Diplomacy

The previous two sabre rattling Kims loved nothing more than rattling their sabres and also their nukes. The world waited with baited breath when Kim Jong Un took charge. "Would this one be different?" we collectively whispered with pensive trepidation. Actually, we didn't. We just laughed at "Kim looking at things" memes while compulsively refreshing our Facebook pages. Anyway, while we were distracted, Kim Jong Un sang a familiar tune:

"Everybody do the Deja Vu"

Just to make it clear that nothing has changed, a North Korean general casually remarked on the state news service that they will turn Seoul into a sea of flames. Great material guys. That stuff never gets old.

Other achievements

Despite proving himself to be the cuddliest Kim to date, Kim Jong Un has shown himself to be a man of action what with blowing things up and all.

Recent developments under Kim include:

* The development of a state insurance firm because past investors in North Korean projects have invariably seen results that are quite the opposite to their expectations of what an investment is supposed to do.

*Development of ICBMs, finally replacing their very-big-firework method of warhead delivery. He has temporarily stopped making them until the food aid arrives, but he did try just one teeny rocket that successfully plopped into the ocean one minute after launch.

*Kim is personally ensuring that completion of the nation's first electricity producing nuclear power station happens before his grandfather's birthday in 2012. Cutting corners is the rule rather than the exception, especially with trifling matters like the concrete fucking foundation.

Other accomplishments likely to be attributed to Kim once he has cemented his place as a living god: