Joseph Kony

Joseph Kony is one of the ten most wanted men in the world. He is a figure so monstrous that he makes Idi Amin look lovable by comparison. Also, if you can produce a snappy youtube video, you can probably make a fortune off of universal hatred.

Joseph Kony, meet the scowling face of your enemy.

Please pour out your hearts and you know keep those checks coming.

Somewhere in here, Sally Struthers might have once stood.

Just The Facts

  1. Friends, bleeding hearts, bank account holders...we come to bury Joseph Kony not to praise him.
  2. If you can start democracy in Egypt by clicking 'like' on facebook, you can probably catch an international criminal by watching a 30 minute video on youtube.
  3. There was a time when you could not put a price on white liberal guilt. In the case of Joseph Kony, that price is 30 dollars.

The Man, The Myth, The Monster...

Having no redeeming quality like insanely declaring himself the 'Last King Of Scotland' or having a refridgerator full of his enemies (that is known of), Joseph Kony is officially the most hated criminal to ever come out of Uganda. Its a shame. With a little more personality, he could have at least issued a challenge for the world heavyweight championship in boxing. Hating Joseph Kony is as safe as hating Hitler or the AIDS virus (though not the people that suffer from AIDS.) Notice, I did not say Satan because that guy has a whole religion of followers. Joseph Kony is an internationally convicted criminal.

Who is he? - Joseph Kony is a former Catholic altar boy who took to being a witch doctor after dropping out of the Catholic Church. Kony formed what was known as the Ugandan Holy Salvation Army to pursue the furtherance of whatever. Kony was always belligerent. Kony became more of a threat after his army started using conventional military tactics. Apparently. having your followers form a cross and spray holy water on people only has a desired effect on 'true demons' and ''vampires.' Discovering the holy cleansing power of guns, Kony set upon his work of becoming the world's most total bastard.

Sounds terrible? What Did He Do? - Kony's Ugandan Holy Salvation Army became the Ugandan People's Democratic Army. The Ugandan People's Democratic Army became a military wing of the Holy Spirit Movement. The Holy Spirit Movement was a millenial apocalyptic movement that considered their holy station in life to rid the world of the Ugandan goverment led by Yoweri Mouseveni. Mouseveni led the National Resistance Army (even though technically they were in charge of Uganda) and the Kony faction became known as the Lord's Resistance Army. Because if you are in Uganda, we guess you gotta be resisting something. The Lord's Resistance Army is mostly made up of ethnic Acholi's of Northern Uganda. The short of it is that everyone tries to make themselves sound as noble as possible with their names. The Lord's Resistance Army was founded on the beliefs of Alice Auma. Auma believed that her followers could overtake the government of Uganda if they would cast off witchcraft and follow the Holy Spirit. This may have been a bit confusing to Kony who had been a Catholic as well as a Witch Doctor. Auma also preached that she received messages directly from the Holy Spirit. Auma stated that you should never retreat or seek cover in battle. Bullets would either not hurt you or presumably just bounce off if you slathered yourself in the right oil. Just to add that right hint of crazy, you were not spiritually pure if you ever harmed snakes or bees. Alice thought that there should just be a smidge of moral content in there. Apparently, Kony reconciled his witch doctor past and went all in on some righteous Wrath of God action. Eventually, Kony established his own line of communication with the Holy Spirit. Kony updated the oil slathering to include not only immunity to bullets but also to evil spirits as well. The evil spirit potion must have required a little more honey nut in his Cheerios since even Kony's followers thought he was in fact possessed. Kony grew in prominence in the 1980s as he raided villages and recruited for the Lord's Resistance Army.

Wait, your completely out of your mind and want to cripple Uganda's government? The Sudan is here for you! - Did you know the Kamala The Ugandan Giant was some guy from Southaven, Mississippi? We did not think so. Anyway, in the same country that gave us Idi Amin, you can get financing from neighboring Sudan to lead insurgencies against your own government. Please take our money as well as the monthly shipments of Psycho Nutty Flakes. Kony started his road to true Freddy Kreugerdom by using children in his armies. With the death rate, apparently the kids did not get their appropiate supply of bullet / evil spirit proof oil. Kony remarked "We do not have children only combatants." Too bad he fell to darkness before the WWE could get a hold of his script writer. Kony was not satisfied to keep his crazy contained to mere speech writing and child killing. Once a year, Kony would ascend a mountain and spend days laying the hot sun. Kony would only have the protection of a blanket drenched in red termites. After that, he would paint crosses on his child followers and promise them that they were in fact now bullet proof. Kony is also a hug believer in polygamy the likes of which Mormons would say "Hey buddy, whats with all the wives?

We'd like to make a withdrawl in your bank of children. On the list of Kony's despicable acts (by whatever God you claim, there are many) is the abduction of over a 100 girls from a Catholic school in Uganda. Early in the morning of October 9th, 1986 - Ugandan members of the Lord's Resistance Army stormed St. Mary's school and took over a hundred girls. One defecting member told a group of pursuers to follow in footprints. Apparently, the Lord's Resistance Army is famous for planting bombs, IEDs, and land mines on their path to escape. Eventually, a Sister Rochelle and a man named Ferrara came across 30 of the girls. Five of them were found later to be brutally raped , tortured and killed. The international outrage over the Aboke kidnappings led such disparate people as Pope John Paul II, Bill Clinton, Robert Mugabe, Nelson Mandela and Moammar Ghaddafi to try and argue for the girls release. The last of the girls was released in 2009. The rest had either been killed or released. The woman had a 21 month old baby at the time. She stated that the father was in fact Joseph Kony.

Manhunt, Court, and Attempts To Capture - An arrest warrant was issue by the International Criminal Court for Joseph Kony of 33 counts including crimes against humanity and war crimes in 2005. They are as follows: sexual enslavement, rape, inducement of rape (Blazing Saddles style, he really likes rape), enlisting of children. enslavement (again), cruel treatment, attack against a civilian population, pillaging, murder, enslavement, murder (these are all seperate counts by the way), pillaging, murder, murder, attack against a civilian population (its like the twelve days of Christmas of cruelty), pillaging, murder, enslavement, murder, inhumane acts (crying shame what they did to that dog), murder, cruel treatment, attack against a civiliam population, pillaging, murder, enslavement, inhumane acts, murder, cruel treatment, attacks against a civilian population, and of course pillaging. And they all said he would never accomplish anything with an eighth grade education.... Kony has been hunted for years including a raid assisted and funded by the United States military. So, you might say that people are on top of the idea of catching him.

Wait thats terrible? How can we use the digital age to make a s*** ton of money?

Glad you asked. Because, the Invisble Children charity out of San Diego is now there for you. Its ok to send them money. Sending thirty dollars is endorsed by your President Barack Obama if you are having a 'crisis of conscious.' So the Invisible Children charity produces a documentary (hey if Micharl Moore's work gets called that, who am I to not run with it?) aimed as raising awareness about of the ten most wanted men in the world. Actually, their aim is to raise a bit more than 'awareness.' Their constuency for the YouTube video Kony 2012 is left thinking "Oh MY GOD (BUDDHA, MOTHER EARTH, SOME GUYS THING I HAPPEN TO WORSHIP FOUR TIMES A WEEK, WHATEVER,)!!! I'm WHITE!!! I'm LIBERAL!! How can I assuage my total guilt having just watched this on YouTube!!! Please, let there be something I can do to feel better about myself that allows me to do something on my computer and not actually get off my ass.' Fortunately, the good people of the Invisible Children charities are with you. Even Angelina Jolie 'hates' this guy and he never even voted Republican. As a confused white liberal filled to the brim with guilt, you can solve your guilt the same way you have done your whole life. You can send money. Now, you are not sending money to an international paramilitary manhunt for Jospeh Kony. The purpose of raising awareness about him is not paying the people or providing resources for people actually trying to capture the guy. Your 30 dollar donation is going to the people of Invisible Children and will give you a bag of crap you can wear that says Kony 2012. This is most so you can slip into a Republican caucas or primary and snarkily laugh in a nasily tone while you write Kony's name on a ballot for President. At any rate, its like sex with a prositute. Its confusing and possibly dirty but you did feel better for a few minutes while sitting in your chair.; Has it worked??? Do people still wear tie dye??? Invisible Children has to now issue statements saying that they in no way support the guy who has turned into their cash cow. They can't stand this guy. Of course, the primary goal was the children. It totally hasn't caused a cash surplus that is so grand they are tearing themselves apart right now figuring out what to do with it. Wait? It has, Don't worry. These are good people. They will do the right thing with your money or some junk. If nothing else, at least your not sending it to some creepy televangelist.