Bane

Bane grew up to be a starry eyed kid with a dream. Bane realized that dream by breaking Batman (Bruce Wayne) in half. However, he was usually defeated by any one who could figure out he relied on drugs and could cut a cord.

As long as I have my Venom, King Kong's got nothing on me!!!!

The greatest 'finishing move' this side of Hulk Hogan's leg drop.

It doesn't matter if we can understand him. It matters whether or not he can pick Christian Bale over his head and break him across his knee.

Just The Facts

  1. Bane was raised in a prison in the fictional Carribean republic of Santa Prisca.
  2. Bane classically gets his power from tubes which supply a drug called "Venom."
  3. Bane was originally created for the sole purpose of breaking Batman's back in one storyline. The character proved popular enough to continue to bring him back in subsequent storylines.

Raising a Child Is Such Back Breaking Work

Bane is the son of Edmund Dorrance aka 'King Snake.' After Edmund, his 'King Snake' and Bane's mother (you know who ever that is) produced little Baney, Dorrance left the Republic of Santa Prisca in the Caribbean. This was because Santa Prisca was going to put away Dorrance for life due to a series of murders as well as revolutionary activities. The King Snake tripped out and went all Honey Badger (just not giving a f***). The Republic of Santa Prisca, either taking thier cues from the Bible or an Arnold Schwarzenegger film decided to sentence Dorrance's infant son to prison. Apparently, some one thought that absentee fathers/assassins were affected enough by a son in prison to come back and face justice. As it turns out, Bane grew up in the prison life of Pena Dura. Wikipedia tells me that Pena Dura means "Hard Rock" in Spanish. I should probably also figure out how to do those little squggly lines above Spanish names as well. I can't put the squiggly lines up there and see no reason to learn just to make the Spanish 'Hard Rock' more authentic. I suppose I could copy and paste, but then that is alot of left clicking and right clicking. OK, with all this build up, this is how the name should appear properly Peña Dura. Lets never discuss this again. At any rate, Bane grows up in prison sentenced for crimes he never committed. His two options were to escape and have a TV series starring David Janssen or ';Hey, screw it.. Why don't I just become the greatest criminal ever??" Bane chose the latter. The reason for his choice is possibly that David Janssen is dead and that by the time Harrison Ford played Richard Kimble.. everything was screwed anyway. It would not take long for little Bane to establish actual criminal behavior. This is not shocking when you father is known primarily for killing people, his "King Snake," and the fact that you are being raised with criminals. So at the tender age of 8, Little Bane shanks his first fellow prisoner. Intended as sort of a reverse Doc Savage, Bane grows up becoming both physically as well as mentally strong. There is a convient elderly kindly Jesuit priest who gives Bane a classical education. Bane rewards his mentor by killing the Priest. This is for two reasons. First, Bane is a bad guy and second "Screw the Priest." Deciding that raising a child in prison for crimes he did not commit and providing all the mental as well as physical tools to make him a living weapon is not quite enough, the good people of Santa Prisca decide that there should be some mind altering physically enhancing drugs involved. Having limited success with what will never be called a "Super Soldier Serum" referred to as "Venom," the prison decides to use Bane as a test subject. At this point, Bane rules over his fellow prisoners anyway. The thinking is to turn Bane's death grip on the prison population of Peña Dura from a death grip to a super Kung Fu action hand choking death grip. There is also the minor detail that no one actually had managed to survive the Venom treatments before. Either they were going to create an even worse monster or they were bound and determined to chemically kill Bane. Either way, what bliss? Bane survives the treatments only to become a chemically enhanced steroid freak given to pre-psychotic rages. Why Al Davis never drafted this man as a first round linebacker for the Oakland Raiders is anyone's guess. Now, you have a super smart steroid enhanced junkie not named Steve Rodgers. What could possibly go wrong?

To Gotham and Beyond..

When you are a steroid junkie who needs a serum called Venom every twelve hours just to get through the day, you would be shocked what can make sense all of the sudden to you. For instance, you should not take vengeance on people who actually wronged/created you. The prison guardians at Peña Dura. Hey, those people took you in when no one else would. "King Snake?" Its all good G. No, the person you need to go after for all of your life's problems is Batman. Why? Did he drop you in a vat of acid chemicals to give you a perma smile? No. Did he suit you up in a bright red, green, and yellow outfit so that criminals could shoot at you while calling this a childhood? No. Batman resembles some weird dreams you had as a child. So, Batman made you bad. Batman is the one you need to take your testicle shrunken rage out on. It was effin' Batman the whole time. Baattttmmmannn. So, the super-intelligent hyper muscled drugged out freak some how breaks out of prison with three friends named after progressive bands from the 1960s and heads to Gotham City. Apparently, Bane is actually a fan of his mortal enemy (like Sheldon Cooper vs Brent Spiner) and respects Batman's ability to control a whole town by fear. Also, since he is the smartest person with chemical addiction to come out of the Caribbean since Jack Sparrow, Bane immeadiately solves the age old Scooby Doo mystery that Batman is Bruce Wayne. Of course, this is a feat too magnificent for Gotham's Police force bnut also achieved by a twelve year old named Tim Drake. Bane correctly guesses that you can't just defeat Batman. You have to have a plan to defeat Batman first. Knowing his Gotham lore, Bane also knows that the one place you can routine defeat in Gotham City is Arkham Asylum. Bane blows the walls off of Arkham and lets everyone out. Re-rounding up all the criminals that it took you decades to defeat is hard work. To this point, getting every looney in Gotham without a police shield back in the Asylum takes around three months of around the clock work for Batman. His reward? A big hulking drugged out freak waiting for Batman when he returns. This is called Knightfall. They originally wanted to call the story Reign of the Supermen but that titled had already been taken. In the only scene anyone remembers from any Bane story for all time anywhere, Bane seizes the oppurtunity to break Batman's back. This legendary feat makes Bane the successful Ivan Drago of the comics book world. The upshot is that Bane does not have to go through the hellish nightmare that would be a marriage to Brigitte Nielsen. Batman then hands the mantle of the Bat to another guy raised by religious fanatics (Jean Paul Valley). The new 'Batman' defeats Bane by noticing Bane doesn't like it when you cut those obvious tubes supplying drugs to the base of his skull.

Wait, he's popular??? But we only had one story?? OK. More Bane...

There were were three characters in the 1990s who looked insanely cool, but were designed with only one purpose in mind. They are Doomsday, Bane, and Darth Maul. They look incredibly cool, but just look at thier names. It was only supposed to be ONE STORY people. Then, you went and demanded more. Do you realize that they are actually bringing back a guy originally sawed in half to end out the Clone Wars on Cartoon Network? They once ran so far out of ideas for Doomsday that Brainiac's brain was put in to him just to give him a personality. The next time Bane showed up in comicdom, the story seemed ripped right out of Rocky II. What happened the first time? They fought and Bane won. People were clamoring to see Bruce Wayne and not Azrael defeat Bane. So, you have Detecive Comics 700 coming up, and why not pair Bane up with Ras Al Ghul? There was probably an R. Lee Ermey moment when Ras met Bane "Bane, I admire your honesty. Hell, I like you. You can come over to my house and f*** my daughter!!" Realizing the Ras was serious, Bane went over to Ras' house and did just that. We assume Bane did this repeatedly until it came time to beat Batman again. This time, Batman (Bruce Wayne) learned how to cut a cord and screwed Bane hard as well as the one trick pony Bane rode in on. So, Bruce Wayne has now defeated Bane. The feeling amongst the Batman writers and editors must have been "Hey, can we never mention this guy/plot device again?" No such luck. So, the Batman writers decided in the same infinite wisdom that would one day have Batman shooting Darkseid with a really big honking gun (what the hell was that all about anyway??) that Bane did not have a proper end to his story. The next Bane storyline (seeing as how Bane was now preying on the Batman writers as much as Batman himself) focused on Bane's parentage. Bane came to believe that he might also be the son of Thomas Wayne. Apparently, Bane's mom had done Thomas Wayne, Edmund "King Snake" Dorrance, a guy who Bane always believed to be his Daddy, most of the Santa Priscan army, a really cute moutain goat (cause goat love is the purest love of all), and well anyone else that could make the trek to her hut. Batman agrees to take in Bane and conduct DNA testing. Who knows? Thomas Watne was a travelling doctor after all. It stands to reason he could have made a house call to Bane's momma's vagina. This is when the parentage of King Snake is discovered. Imagine all of the kids one day who will go to Kobe Bryant wondering if there is a little Black Mamba swimming around in them. Bane fights with Batman against King Snake. King Snake mortally wounds his own son. Batman saves Bane is the soothing waters of the Lazarus Pit. Having been cleansed and his origin revealed, Bane and Batman part ways. Bane is given an clean slate as well as a new beginning. Its still not enough for anyone. This probably led the Batman writers to scream "We did everything you asked!!! We had the real Batman beat him!!! We made him somewhat good!!! We ended the story!!! We don't have another idea in our heads for this guy!!!" None of this stopped Bane from starring in a 36 issue run of a comic book called The Secret Six. That book ended with Bane wanting the Secret Six to vengeance out of Batman by killing those that Batman loved. At this point... vegeance for what? Was this vengeance for not killing Bane when Batman had the chance? Was this vengeance for ending the Talia Al' Ghul poon train? The world may never know. The plot was foiled when The Secret Six was met in Gotham City by more heroes than even George Perez could probably draw. Bane was then sent to prison for legitimate reasons. Bane does resurface during the Battle of Metropolis where Bane ignores pretty much every story up until this point and returns to the one note villain God and Denny O'Neil intended him to be. Bane breaks the back of someone called The Judomaster because... well, screw that guy. Bane says "I finally know who I am. I am Bane. I break people.' It is not exactly Rene Descartes saying Cogito ergo sum but it is about as deep and self revealing as we are probably going to get with this guy.

Bane .. in other media...

The grand part about Bane being in cartoons is that the character gives a wonderful oppurtunity for respected Hispanic actors to make a little extra scratch. Notables such as Henry Silve, Hector Elizondo, and Danny Trejo have given Bane his distinctive voice. To review, Bane was voiced by the guy who did Machete and the guy who was the bodyguard in the The Princess Dairies. In the classic Batman; The Animated Series, Bane is defeated by Batman..pulling the tube. In The New Batman Adventures, Batman defeats Bane by ...pulling the tube and then attaching it like a USB port to the freakin' Bat-Signal. In Superman; The Animated Series, Bane gets into a fist fight with Ka-el dressed as Batman. If you punch a Kryptonian, it does not matter whether or not the tube is in. Once the Kryptonian starts punching you back, you are going to last about as long as Lee Marvin did in the Twilight Zone episode Steel. Bane appears in Batman: The Brave and the Bold and is defeated when Wildcat... cuts the tube. There is also the live action movie Batman And Robin. In Batman and Robin, Bane is Antonio Diego. This is presumably because they were the first two Spanish sounding names to come out of a thesarus (which is actually the Latin word for Treasure). Bane suffers dual ignominities in this movie. First, Bane's intelligence is gone and he now speaks in a series of Hulk -like grunts. This chracterization may or may not have played a part in Jan Brewer toughening the Arizona border as well as anti-immigration laws through out the country. In the climatic battle scene, Bane takes on the Rubber Nipple Crusaders and faces ...well... Robin.. teamed ... with ....ummm.... Batgirl. Bane is finally defeated by... THEY CUT THE CORD!!! To review, the cord is the worst design flaw this side of the Death Star and no Bothans had to die to figure this out.

Bane ...in ...Some Movie I haven't Seen Yet

In the summer of 2012, Bane will return as the primary villain in Christopher Nolan's The Dark Knight Rises. We know a few things about this new Bane. First, the cord is gone. This removes every previously successful strategy for defeating Bane. Second, you may or may not be able to understand anything Bane says. Hopefully, there will be an IPhone translator app like they had for the minions in Despicable Me. Third, this Bane is capable of wasting any football player not named Hines Ward. Fourth, the story line looks to be a combination of Knightfall and No Man's Land. This Bane apparently uses a Darth Vader esque breathing apparatus in order to alleviate pain. It is not known whether the injury was first sustained by Obi Wan Kenobi invading one of Bane's dreams or if the line "You were the chosen one!!!" will be shouted in The Dark Knight Rises. Lets just say that this line is not in any trailers ...so far... and leave it at that. The villain should provide the impetus for a destruction and ressurection of Batman. This should lead to more cartoon and comic book appearances for Bane.. which will probably end with ... well... cutting the cord.