Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich is a politician, author, former Speaker of the House, filmaker, and candidate for President of the United States of America.
Newt Gingrich was born Newton Leroy McPherson in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. In what would become a pattern around Gingrich, his teenage parents' marriage would fall apart quickly. McPherson was then adopted by his mother's second husband Robert Gingrich. Robert Gingrich was an Army officer. Newt would then embark on a life as an Army brat. Newt became interested in politics while living near a battlefield in France. Despite popular belief and a slightly reptilian name, most agree that Newt has some human-like qualities such as being warm blooded. Newt earned his bachelor's degree from Emory University in the subject of history. His love of history was shared by such white haired contemporaries as Robert Montgomery Knight. Newt's love of money is shared by such contemporaries as Montgomery Burns. Newt would go on to earn his Master's Degree in European history from Tulane University in New Orleans. This degree gave him a better understanding of such rulers as Charlemagne, Generalissimo De Franco, Charles DeGaulle, and Adolph Hitler. Newt may have also been inspired by the Swan King Ludwig II. This is mostly because riding around on a golden swan may explain his attraction to Callista Cingrich.
Army Brat History Majors tend to make terrible hippies. Even though he would later take a shine to this 'free love' thing, Newt was all Republican. Newt also had the level of respect for himself of anyone ever named 'Newt.' Newt's attempt to win office in Georgia was much like the King's attempt to build a Castle in a swamp in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Everyone told him he was crazy and would never win. Eventually, they just stopped telling him he would never win. Newt ran in 1974 against Democratic incumbent Jack Flynt for Georgia's 6th district in the House of Representatives. Though he may have fared slightly better against Hustler kingpin Larry Flynt had he been opposed, Gingrich lost against the career 20 year politician. Gingrich took his impressive unflappable resolve against Flynt again in 1976. Again, Gingrich lost to Flynt. Flynt was Bowser to Gingrich's Mario. Hell, Flynt was Bowser to Gingrich's Sha Na Na. Finally, in 1978, Flynt gave up what may have been a perpetual winning streak and did not run for the district. The reasons may have ranged from age to just never wanting to be in the same room with Newt Gingrich again. Gingrich defeated opponent Democratic State Senator Virginia Shapard. Shapard was by no means be the first or last woman Gingrich would find himself coming out on top of.
The Newt Gingrich political map started to unfold in much the same way a treasure map for the still beating heart of Davey Jones would. Gingrich started searching for a map that would lead to a key. The key woud then open the chest. Along the way, he would take sides that would have Richard Nixon doing double takes. Newt Gingrich founded the Conservative Oppurtunity Society. as well as was a supporter of the Martin Luther King Jr Holiday. Some of his actions had Democrats saying things like "He turned me into a Newt." "A Newt???" "I got better." Gingrich speared heaed the charge in a Congressional Inquiry about politicians having sex with pages. Thier morals flew in the face of everything that Newt stood for. By goodness, if you are willing to have sex with someone, you should be willing to leave your wife for them. Thats the Newt Gingrich line of thought on sex. The Conservative Oppurtunity Society was the militant faction of the Reagan Youth. As such, Gingrich played a vital part in forming the 1984 Republican platform. The politics of 1984 are something that Gingrich carries in his heart to this day. Newt waas rewarded for his loyalty to the Empire by being named House Minority Whip in 1989. In addition to being the fourth most powerful member of the House, whipping minorities just seemed to be a natural position for a man in suburban Atlanta. Three years later, the greatest moment in Newt Gingrih's life was about to happen. Bill Clinton was elected
Well, you know... we all want to enslave the world. In 1991, two things happened in the state of Arkansas that continue to rankle southern Conservatives. First, the University of Arkansas was admitted into the Southeastern Conference. Second, Arkansas Democratic Governor William Jefferson "Fly" Clinton was making plans to run for President of United States. Before George H. W. Bush could organize a good old fashioned black op, Clinton started to emerge on the national stage. Not evem torpedoing Gennifer Flowers like she was the Luisitania stopped Clinton's meteoric rise. Once Clinton was elected in 1992, Gingrich was set for the political Sumo Wrestling Match of the 1990s. The only other match of the era with behemoths this compelling was Shaquielle O'Neal versus Hakeem Olajuwon. Gingrich laid out an extravagant plan to defeat a sitting President in a non-election year for that President. The off year elections in 1994 proved a wild success for what had been dubbed the "Republican Revolution" and thier plan of the "Contract With America." The Republican Revolution was the old standard defintion of what the "Tea Party" would later determine to be HD. If anything, the Revolution's practices working with Clinton turned into a too successful recipe. The unthinkable happened in 1996. Someone thought Bob Dole could win a debate. The prosperity of the Revolution and Clinton led to Clinton winning in 1996 for another four year term.
Fot every legislative success (welfare reform and the balanced budget), there was an accompanying government shutdown (in 1995 and wait there's more in 1996.) While Bill Clinton was making sure Monica Lewinsky's head would give him head under a desk, Gingrich's own empire started to come apart. Like his approach to a buffet table, Gingrich's opponents went large in thier attacks and slapped him with 84 breaches of House Ethics. On all of them, he was only reprimanded for one (claiming a tax exempt status while running a college course for seemingly political purposes). Gingrich did become the only sitting Speaker of the House to be reprimanded by an ethics committee. This was a supposed violation fo Rule 45. In response, Gingrich may have tried to execute Order 66. At any rate, before you could say or hit Y2k, Gingrich was out as Speaker of the House in 1999. Most thought that he was done politically and would resign to a life of book signings, DVDs and never talking about how he racked up so many wives. Little did anyone know that Gingrich was secretly learning to control the raging beast that lived inside of him. Every day, he was plotting his return. There is no evidence that he ever took the pseudonym of David Banner but you have start rumors somewhere...right?? I mean it might as well be here. If you are on section five of a CRACKED topic on Newt Gingrich, you are obviously at least hip enough to catch one freaking' Incredible Hulk reference.
Newt Gingrich... THE FLAMETHROWER!!! The kids will love it. Newt Gingrich .. The Doll ... "May my shlong be with you...." Adorable. Between 2001 and 2010, if there was a speaking engagement that involved a non kosher buffet, if there was a film project, if there was a book of alternate history of World War 2 .. you can bet Newt Gingrich would be there to make a for profit gamble on it. Surprisingly, many times he had th lucky roll of the dice. Newt Gingrich enterprises sponsored every from his third wife's highlights to a documentary on radical Islam. Gingrich continued a thinktank called the Gingrich Group. Thinktanks worked better for Gingrich than water tanks. Thought is generally not displaced when you put your own girth squarely in the center of it. Gingrich's major policy initiatives revolved around health care reform with a policy group he started in 2003. As a point of reference, this would be about the same time Barack Obama was still a community planner. It is estimated that Gingrich amassed a fortune during this period in excess of one hundred million dollars. Go back and read that last sentence with your best Dr. Evil impersonation. C'mon. You can do better than that. Really put some "ooomph" into it. After all, we are talking about one hundred MILLION dollars.
Newt Gingrich's first wife Jackie was his former geometry teacher in high school. Jackie was seven years older than him. There are disputed reports that Gingrich requested a divorce from his first wife while she was battling cancer in the hospital. There is also a former aide who claims Gingrich said of his first wife "She's not pretty enough to be a first lady and she has cancer." Gingrich denies this. What he can't deny is that he was really tired of older women. They were like totally a drag..man. So next, he married his second wife Marianne. This would be even though he looked more like the Skipper and she was more of a match for Gilligan. Be all that as it may, this was a difficult union. The marriage was marked by rumors of infidelity as well as many splits and seperations. In short, they were an everyday couple dating in Georgia. By the time Gingrich's "new thing" became an "old bag," Marianne claims that Gingrich wanted an "an open marriage" that would include his third wife Callista in the mix. Gingrich denies ever making the request. At any rate, Marianne was no longer a flavor in th Newt cocktail and Gingrich married Callista. Because, banging girls named Callista was something people had a real Indiana Jonesing to do in the 1990's. Gingrich changed religious beliefs almost as easily as changing wives. Gingrich was raised a Lutheran, but then became a convient Southern Baptist, before seeing Mother Mary and every other Saint he could name while plowing his new wife. Callista's influence led Gingrich to Roman Catholicism. As Joe Mantegna's Joey Zasa put it so eloquently in The Godfather Part III "I, too, would like a pin from the Pope."
At the beginning of 2011, the only people really asking whether Newt Gingrich had a realistic chance to be President were people with the last name of ... well.... Gingrich. From the onset, there was controversy in the Gingrich run. This was especially true after Newt laid out virulent criticism of his own parties plans to reform Medicaid. This was followed by accusations that Newt was only running to bolster DVD sales and that his wife had turned in more of a Disney villainess on the campaign trail. Most thought that the final Van Helsing type blow was landed when most of Newt's staff simply walked out on the Presidential Campaign altogether. There was even a time when some in the Party were claiming Rick Perry to be the "new Reagan." That rumor was every bit as substantial as seeing the Mon Calamari homeworld in Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace. Challengers such as Huntsman, Cain, Bachmann, and even Perry turned out to be more Jar Jar than Jango Fett; there started to be a crazy vibe that Newt might be worth listening too. Then, in the scariest revolution to start in South Carolina in a hundred and fifty years, Newt Gingrich won the primary. The almost stopped Mitt Romney from legally changing his name to Frontrunner Mitt Romney. Had Mitt changed his name, MSNBC could have saved a ton of money on letterhead. Gingrich did not fare as well in Florida despite his pledge to start a Moon Base and go to infinity and beyond... As of this writing, the campaign is ongoing but you never can seem to stop a thrice married Lutheran-Southern Baptist-Catholic (and not really a Kennedy Catholic either because you know Jack only married once). As the famous line from Sam Raimi's Darkman goes... "He's like a cockroach.. you think you killed him... and he just turns up again."