Wonder Woman

Wonder Woman is the only 65 year old woman that can still give teenage boys a hard-on... well aside from those of us who enjoy a little GILF now and then.

She's a woman, what whould she know!

Just The Facts

  1. Wonder Woman was created by William Moulton Marston, otherwise known as God, depending on who plays her in the upcoming movie
  2. Lynda Carter, will forever be known in our head and our pants as the one true Wonder Woman.
  3. To women: When sleeping with a comic book fan, realize that we want to you to tie us up with a golden lasso, this is a deal breaker if you decline

The Birth of Wonder Woman

Wonder Woman Through The YearsWonder Woman, also known as Princess Diana, is a member of an all-female tribe of Amazons. And being a princess means that even in a society of lesbians, she still doesn't have to perform oral sex if she doesn't want to

She was created by William Moulton Marston who said that she would be a "distinctly feminist role model whose mission was to bring the Amazon ideals of love, peace and sexual equality to 'a world torn by the hatred of men'."

He then stop laughing and said, "no just kidding, we're going to make her work in a predominantly female job category where woman are subjugated and forced to have sex with their boss so they can continue to make minimum wage to support their three children from their abusive boyfriend who still won't marry them. And even when she is acting as Wonder Woman we will give her embarassing commentary, dress her up like a flapper [ read: whore ], make her tie up women with a golden 'magical' lasso. Yeah, that'll be good for the kids"

The idea to make her a woman was actually his wife's idea but after a quick backhand, she was quick to remember that she wasn't there to be uses her brain. Marston stole the idea anyways and then went back to fucking the woman that lived with them in a polygamous relationship.

Marston would later be described as mysogynistic, hateful, sexist and my hero.

In 1943, Marston wrote, "Not even girls want to be girls so long as our feminine archetype lacks force, strength and pwer. Not wanting to be girls, they don't want to be ender, submissive, peace-loving as good women are."

God Bless You Mr. Marston, God Bless You!

Powers... stupid, stupid powers

Wonder Woman has an endless supply of fan artWonder Woman has all the stock super powers, you know, strength, speed, stamina. All the ones that good superheroes have. But then they ran out of powers and gave her a bunch of stupid things too.

She's really good at fighting hand-to-hand combat, and can talk to animals. Like Dr. DoLittle or any female character in any Disney movie ever.

Industrucitble braclets are pretty much pointless too, unless someone is trying to break your wrist right... I mean, I guess they could stop a bullet or a knife but really, I mean wouldn't armor be better... just saying. Oh and they once made Superman's ears bleed... Lex Luthor does that every week with kryptonite.

A "lasso of truth" probably isn't the best thing for a woman to be carrying around, unless she wants to hear a bunch of guys tell her how sweet her ass looks and they like to break off a piece of 'dat Wonder Woman pie. Marston also created the polygraph, I'm no psychologist but something tells me he spent a lot of time lying.

She's got a really, really sharp tiara... it even cut Superman once... if you keep comparing yourself to Superman sweetheart, you're going to lose every time. Just let it go, equality doesn't mean what you think it means, stop worrying your pretty little head about it and let the men go about their Justic League business.

Oh, and she could fly... and she built an invisible jet... proving that once again women do not understand the concept of technology or super pwers.

The 70s and Finally a Good Female Role Model

Wonder Woman in PlayboyLynda Carter may never have posed in playboy but without her pertrail of the Great American Female Superhero we would have never gotten this cover from February 2008.

Lynda Carter didn't just imbide the role of Wonder Woman, she brought the sexy back to a character who through the 70s had lost some of her appeal.

Feminists started poking their head around comic books and decided that Wonder Woman should be a better role model for young girls. A live-action film was made in 1974 by ABC and starred Cathy Lee Crosby in too much clothing. She also had no secret identity and worked for the government and chased down one of the most famous villains ever, Ricardo Montalban who was stealing all of the worlds Rich Corinthian Leather. The complete lack of Lynda Carter and hot pants led this to be named one of televisions hundred dumbest events, just after Hitler's late night show, but before the Brady Bunch orgy episode.

So in 1975, Lynda Carter and her short shorts showed everyone in primetiem TV a Wonder Woman that people would support... another piece of ass with an invisible jet and the ability to deflect bullets. The series ran until 1979. Like all hollywood types, the writers and producers changed major points about Wonder Woman. No longer a nurse, she was a private in the navy and now had stories that involved Nazi, since everyone in the 1970s still really hated Nazis. Oh, and she spun around real fast to change costumes... luckily she isn't as fast as Superman or she would've kept screwing up the time-space continuum.

A New Movie for A New Era

Megan Fox as Wonder WomanA new live-action movie has been talked about since 2001 with Joel Silver shopping it around Hollywood. Everyone has been in line to play her from Sandra Bullock to Beyonce and even former WWE wrestler Chyna, before everyone saw her naked in the worst celebrity sex tape ever.

In 2005, Joss Whedon was signed to the project by Warner Bros. He was supposed to write and direct but after two years, had merely an outline. He was removed from the project in 2007 stating "The lack of enthusiasm was overwhelming."

Since then new writers have been added and new woman have been added to the list of possible Wonder Women.

Every new starlet who comes out eventually is asked about the role.

Megan Fox said, "Wonder Woman is a lame superhero... She flies around in her invisible jet and her weaponry is a lasso that makes you tell the truth. I just don't get it. Somebody has a big challenge on their hands whoever takes that role but I don't want to do it."

You know it's bad when Megan Fox turns down your character for being too vapid of an experience. Although, she also turned down the role of the next Bond girl, so maybe she's just dumb.