Twi-Hards

Twi-hards are people that are addicted to the movie and novel Twilight. Twi-Hards are characterized by their pasty skin, lack of social skills and are basically the biggest losers of society.

You are reading this womens personal mastrubatory aid.

What I learned. Somehow a woman made badass vampires gayer then Elton Johns closet.

Name three bodily fluids you bet are on those cutouts

Just The Facts

  1. The basic premise of the Twilight series is a girl with no individual thoughts of her own becomes the object of lust for a vampire. Oh she also is friends with a werewolf who never seems to wear a shirt
  2. The author is Mormon so pre-marital sex is out. As is abortion even though the fetus may kill the mother, but for some reason a 19 year old man falling in sexual love with a 5 minute old baby is okay
  3. Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson (Bella and Edward) are rumored to date in real life. Nobody cares about this but Twi-Hards. This is due to the second this series is over they are both doomed to Movies of the Week or soft-core pornography
  4. Twi-Hards can buy such high class merchandise such as bracelets that state "I love boys who sparkle", and "I play like a Cullen" baseball bats. Sadly no one has used the bat to beat them to death.

Twilight: A synopsis

Twilight is the first novel in the series. It can be summed up as a girl (Bella) completely devoid of personality bores her mother to death and is forced to move in with her father and change schools. This totally sucks and all Twi-Hards who are the losers of life totally identify with this. Instantly starting school she becomes popular due to her lack of personality. (Twi-Hards cannot identify with this but this book is about dreams!) A few pages later Edward the vampire is introduced as the bad boy that will not date any girl in the school as none are good enough for him. Of course he becomes attracted to Bella and is unbelievably rude to her and of course she being mentally retarded falls for him despite the rudeness and the fact she knows nothing about him.

Soon though the mystery of his rudeness is solved to Bella, he was only mean cause he totally liked her. (All twi-Hards identify with this! The popular kids were only rude cause they totally liked them too!) For some unknown reason she agrees to go with him in the woods and with the brain of a retarded 4 year old cleverly deduces he is a vampire! He then sparkles in the sunlight and carries her on his back like a chimpanzee for some reason. Totally romantic.

Edward takes Bella to meet his family in their mansion, as they are of course rich. The family of vampires for some reason totally accept her even though they have been trying to keep everyone from knowing their secret. They make her a meal even though they dont eat and ask her to come watch them play vampire baseball. Which is just as boring as it sounds. While playing vampire baseball some actual vampires come in the clearing and attempt to attack Bella. The family protects her even though there is no good reason to do so. Bella still gets bitten and wakes up and demands to be turned into a vampire because she totally loves Edward and thats all that matters nothing else. Oh yeah she also is friends with a werewolf guy but that is not that important. Yet.

New Moon: A Synopsis

This book starts off with Bella at a birthday party that Edwards family is throwing for her as who cares about any of her family at all now that she has a man. She cuts herself and a vampire named Jasper trys to jump on her, Edward protects her by throwing her through a coffee table causing her to bleed even more. After this Edward dumps her and tells her he is leaving like every normal teenager out there she develops sever pyschotic dreams and withdraws from her friends. Eventually she starts hanging with the shirtless werewolf (Jacob) and he fixes some old motorcycles for her so she can ride fast and see Edward as the thrill allows her to see him? Yes that sentence happened.

Continuing to hang with Jacob, Bella begins to starts a semi normal life although she hangs with a group of shirtless werewolves alot, but okay. One day her and Jacob are at her house and the phone rings Jacob for some reason thinks it is okay for him to answer and does. the mystery? caller immediately hangs up. Seconds later one of Edwards vampire sisters comes bursting in and tells Bella that because she did not answer the phone that one time that automatically Edward thinks she is dead and is going to kill himself. Which makes perfect sense. So romantic.

She and Edwards vampire sister fly to Italy? cause that is where he is going to walk in the sunlight naked. It is not explained why this is a big deal as sunlight will only make him look like a huge jar of glitter paint but it makes the Italian vampires the Voltari mad and they will kill him?

Bella arrives just as Edward starts to undress so he is now shirtless too. He confesses his love for her and the moral of this book to the Twi-Hards is if a guy dumps you he still loves you so please continue to obsessively stalk him, and have no interests outside him. Ever. Also the King Vampire comes and threatens them because they can see into the future and dont like the fact that in the future they are running around in a meadow.

Eclipse: A synopsis

Begins by Edward and Bella lying in what is assumed the above meadow where Edward proposes marriage. Bella pretty much tells him that they can make the sweet vampire-human sex in the meadow but due to this novel being written by an overweight Mormon none of that will be happening anytime soon. Jacob (werewolf) rides up on his motorcycle and being insane tells Bella to forget the vampire and pick him like a total psycho. She wisely (the only instance of this in the series) tells him to go away. Meanwhile somewehere else the mean anti-baseball vampires are creating an army of vampires to go kill Edwards family, cause they have nothing else to do or care about.

Bella graduates high school somehow and she goes and parties with all the vampires in a vampire coven. The vampires tell her all their different vampire creation stories. They are all boring. Suddenly the same vampire sister as before has a convienent vision and tells everyone that the anti-baseball vampires are coming to kill Bella! The vampires and the werewolves for some reason think it is a great idea to band together and fight to protect her, even though they are mortal enemies. This make no sense.

A action scene would be awesome but because this series is about a mentally retarded chick and her vampire boyfriend they camp out in some trees as people that barely know her are fighting below them. Suddenly the chick vampire appears and vows to kill Bella. Jacob is there for some reason and becomes enraged at the thought of the girl that is constantly rejecting him getting hurt and decapitates her. Bella immediately thanks Edward for helping her and goes to check on Jacob who has been wounded in the fight somehow. Although he is in werewolf form when he turns back into human he is magically wearing pants but no shirt! Bella and Edward learn that Dakota Fanning is coming to kill them as she is a member of the Volturi. So there is another chapter of this series. Yeah!

Breaking Dawn; A synopsis

In the beginning Bella sits around planning her wedding even though she just learned that someone else wanted to kill her for no reason. Edward comes to talk to Bella about the fact she is going to turn into a vampire, he reassures her by telling her that all the people he had killed were bad. She is for some reason okay with this. They marry. Jacob comes in to wish her well and is wearing a shirt for the first time ever. They take off on their honeymoon which is about as exciting as watching paint dry. they finally have sex. Neither one appears to enjoy it.

Soon after Bella finds out that she is pregnant. Her baby for some reason is a a telepath and is making her crave blood, which disturbs her even though throughout the rest of the series she wished she was a vampire every second. The return from their honeymoon and go to figure out what to do. Jacob is there for a reason that is never explained. He tells Bella and Edward that his pack cannot allow the vampire baby to live. But he changes his mind and just walks around their house muttering to himself about how wrong this is even though he will do nothing about it.

Bella goes into labor and her spine breaks immediately. Edward rips her stomach open with his teeth to get the baby out. She sees it and immediately dies as she has fufilled her duty as a woman in the Mormon world. But wait! Edward quickly turns her into a vampire and she lives as a vampire. Meanwhile Jacob comes in to steal the baby as it cannot be allowed to live but gets one look at it and falls in love with it. Sexually. Nobody else in the room sees anything wrong with this. Because of this the wolf pack is duty bound to protect the baby Renesmee.

The last part of this movie is not released until November 2012. Normal people could care less but Twi-Hards are counting down the seconds in their Team Edward shirts.

Twi-Hards or I-gave-up-on-life-and-live-through-this-shitty-book-people

Now that the series has been plowed through it is time to discuss the people that love it. This topics heading: The Twi-Hard.

The Twi-Hard or TH as it will be known from now on, is the joke on society.

They have dreams of being something more than they are but do not know how to do that. Some people are just born to be losers. This is a fact. Twilight is a terrible book. This is also a fact. Everything that this book stands for is horrible, there are people out there that actual fantasize about a sparkly vampire coming into their life and shooting glitter all over their faces and being really big dicks to them and maybe trying to kill them or something because that is how you know someone really loves you. This sseries sets back woman hundreds of years, the morale being that a woman has no personality, no life outside her man. It is not only insulting to woman but to vampires who used to be badass monsters not weepy emo pussies, to werewolfs who turn into humans that stash pants everywhere so that they can protect their wolf-modesty while still being shirtless and sexy, to Dakota Fanning who lasted through a movie with Tom Cruise and still came out okay but who will not last through this, even to Volvos as they are know the supreme gay car of all time.

TH's are people that are so desperate to be understood and loved that they think it is okay to base their whole reality on a book that is unpractical. Instead of actually hey getting up and doing something with their lives they focus on something that is complete crap because in their pathetic little hearts they believe that sitting there and waiting is going to allow your prince charming to come along. It is also okay if he is a huge jerk it is just cause he really loves you.

Congratulations Stephanie Meyer your vagina-diddling book has caused an entire country maybe even world to act like a complete idiot. I hope someone comes and cuts your brakes of your car. It would be cause they really really like you.