Whoopi Goldberg

Long before her days as moderator on the awful, awful show; 'The View', she was a award winning (probably) actress, and star of such forgettable family favorites as Sister Act and The Lion King, and probably other stuff aswell.

I know, I know. Just close your eyes and think of Jesus.

Just The Facts

  1. She was born in New York.
  2. She was apparently Jewish....to some degree.
  3. Her real name is Caryn Elaine Johnson

The birth of ...Whoopi?

Whoopi Goldberg was born in New York in 1955. Deciding her birth name, Caryn Elaine Johnson sounded too respectable, she chose the name 'Whoopi', because her 'friends' often compared her to a 'Whoopee' cushion, classy. Goldberg came from ancestors that appparently were Jewish, and so with stars in her eyes and a ridiculous name to slap on to headshots, she set about becomming famous.

After a totally batshit crazy weird first film and a long run on broadway, Goldberg caught the ever awesome eye of Steven Spielberg. He cast her in the racially tense 'The Colour Purple', which was to be the last piece of 'serious' or 'good' acting she was ever to take part in.

Jumpin Jack Flash and Fatal Beauty were to follow, both completely unnoteworthy, except for the fact that some twisted screenwriter out there thought Whoopi was either fatal or a beauty.

After redeeming herself slightly in Star Trek: The Next Generation and two subsequent Star Trek movies as well as a role as a fake psycic trying to make sure Demi Moore can hang out and possibly bone Patrick Swayze, who'd recently had the shit killed out of him. Then the Sister Act disaster swooped in and fucked things up once more. Whoever thought Whoopi Goldberg as a lounge-singer-turned-hideaway-nun would work as a feature film obviously hadn't reckoned on weak acting and an even worse sequel that would fuck things up worse.

The Lion King came and went with a bit-part from Goldberg, Then 'Whoopi' a show cancelled after one season, Goldberg was searching for something that would make people like her again, even if those people were elderly women who believe the hype, as Chuck D had warned them against years earlier, it appears they didn't head the warning.

That thing, that was to rescue Whoopi from a place of obscurity and thrust her into a place of absurdity was The View. A show where middle aged scorpian women bitch about everything, for some reason. Goldberg serves as moderator, which is like some kind of ....primitive referee.

Now the world sees Whoopi Goldberg as some kind of weird cyborg who has faded but just wont die. Kudos to you Whoopi.