The Real Jurassic Park

Astonishing advances in cloning are bringing us closer to the inevitable. Resurrecting dinosaurs with modern science and putting them in theme parks.

Just The Facts

  1. Modern science is on the brink of bringing multiple extinct species back to life. While some would view this scientific Lazarus trick as progressive there is no denying the earth shattering consequences it presents
  2. For instance if scientists clone dinosaurs, they will eat everybody
  3. There is a very remote chance that dinosaurs could have magical powers
  4. If dinosaurs have magical powers they will curse everybody, then eat everybody
  5. After reading the following you may find It surprising that James Bond never faced off against a paleontologist villain
  6. "Yeah 'Ooh' 'Ahh' that's how it always starts, but then there's running and screaming" - Jeff Goldblum

Why the prehistoric Lazarus is terrifyingly plausible...

For years evil scientists have tried on numerous occasions to bring various extinct species back from the dead. The theory is basically the plot of Jurassic Park: if you have the "dino DNA" you can use it to clone the extinct species. But due to the degrading condition of the DNA these resurrection attempts were repeated failures and constant dead ends.

Until 2009 when complete and total bastard scientists resurrected a Pyrenean Ibex, an extinct species of wild mountain goat native to Spain. The goat that was extinct for almost a decade was brought back to life for seven minutes before it died of lung failure (and probably clinical depression also.)

The thoughts of the Pyrenean Ibex during it's seven minute resurrection: "JESUS CHRIST KILL ME KILL ME I DONT CARE IF YOU USE THE KNIFE DILDO FROM SEVEN JUST PLEASE KILL ME, WHY AM I BREATHING?"

So it was only one Pyrenean ibex, and the thing died seven minutes into it's agonzing, most likely emotionally tormented life. It would be safe to assume that if they can't keep a half retarded goat alive longer than seven minutes then we'll never have to worry about them bringing back a Dinosaur or at the very least a Woolly Mammoth...

Except this week they announced that they're going to clone a Woolly Mammoth within the next five years.

Bastard scientists at Japan's Kinki University have extracted bone marrow from a Mammoth femur found in Siberia and claim that within the next five years they can and will recreate the creature with said bone marrow.

For some reason most people see the Wooly Mammoth as a friendly pacifist of a creature with Ray Romano's voice and a welcoming smile. Has anybody stopped to think that maybe the Woolly Mammoth isn't as friendly a creature as the creators of Ice Age imagined?

Forget the idea of the Mammoth being a gentle giant with Ray Romano's voice, this fur covered demon intends to bring on the biblical apocolypse

Woolly Mammoths went extinct 10,000 years ago, there is not a single human alive today who has ever encountered a living breathing Woolly Mammoth. For all we know they could have telekinetic powers. A long shot- but still, do you really want to fuck with a Woolly Mammoth that has telekinetic powers?

Cloning extinct species is like playing the apocolyptic lottery. Sure there's a good chance it's going to croak in seven minutes, but there's also that chance that we didn't know the Woolly Mammoth breathed fire.

And what if the Woolly Mammoth is just a gentle giant, and doesn't die on the operating table?

Well there's still this guy...

This guy is a dick

First it's the lame goat, then it's the Woolly Mammoth- then there's a giant fucking T-rex. The plot of Jurassic Park? Well it could quite realistically happen...

So you're saying "Whatever, that's years away from happening, so what if my Grandkids will have to fight off flesh hungry dinosaurs, I'll be dead they can fend for themselves"

You might not have Grandkids if Jack Horner is right. Jack Horner is a palaeontology professor at Montana State and the partial real life inspiration for Dr. Alan Grant in the Jurassic Park Movies. When asked in 2008 if it was possible to bring dinosaurs back to life he said "Of course we can bring them back to life. Their ancestral DNA is still present. The science is there. I don't think there are any barriers, other than the philosophical."

Yeah the philosophical barriers AKA the I don't want to get eaten by a dinosaur and/or incur the wrath of God barriers.

Except Jack Horner doesn't really care if he becomes dino-lunch or starts the apocolypse. Jack Horner believes that "a modern bird's DNA contains a genetic memory that could be 'switched on' again, resurrecting long-dormant dinosaur traits." Basically the blueprints for a dinosaur have been long hidden in chickens and emus and it's actually possibly to use reverse evolution on an emu to create a "velociraptor sized dinosaur" He literally says "Emus have all the features we need in order to make a Velociraptor-sized dinosaur."

But Jack Horner isn't even the bad guy. Hell if he's anything like Doctor Alan Grant he's probablly pretty cool. If you want to meet someone who really doesn't care about becoming a Snickers bar for a Spinosaurus look no further than Dr. Hans Larsson, who took all of Horner's instructions on How To Build a Dinosaur and then went and extended a developing chicken embryo's tail by eight vertebrae, a trait that hasn't existed in birds in over 150 million years, and then by turning on a gene that "hasn't been used in 70 million years" he figured out a way to give the mutant chicken teeth. And unnervingly enough those teeth bare the same curvature as most dinosaur fangs.

The modern bird's genetic memory can also do scales, and the it's wings holds the blueprints for the three fingered dino-claw, paired with a long tale and sharp curved teeth...


And if you think a telekinetic Woolly Mammoth is the kind of stuff horrifying cough medicine hallucinations are made of imagine a herd of telekentic velociraptors, or a telekinetic T-Rex. It only gets more unsettling the more you think about how little we have to go on. It's a sea of cataclysmic possibilities.

But for the sake of logic let's abandon the prehistoric telekenisis theory and go with the far more likely scenario...

Some rich bastard is going to build a dinosaur theme park.

Yeah sure it's already the plot of three movies, but the fact is if some mad scientist brings dinosaurs back to life everyone EVER is going to want to see it firsthand. Surely some rich old man will try to capitalize on humanity's collective interest in dinosaurs.

And we all know what happens after that...

Sure bringing dinosaurs and other extinct creatures back to life is morally questionable, and certainly lacking in noble intentions department- but at least it's understandable. Because who the hell wouldn't want a theme park filled with dinosaurs? Or the idea of keeping a small plant eater as a pet, or saddling up on a triceratops and riding that bitch like Seabiscuit. We love dinosaurs. Despite the fact that dinosaurs will eat the shit out of you and could theoretically have magic powers, you would still give your left nut/ovary too see a T-Rex in real life.

And as science advances at a faster rate each day, it's become only a matter of time before some rich old man other than Spielberg tries to profit on our love of dinosaurs. He will open the first real life Jurassic Park. The carnage and chaos that ensues could potentially spell out the end of humanity. The people will run screaming as the dinosaurs inevitably:

1) Escape

2) Eat us

3) Have Dinosaur Sex

4) Reclaim the earth as their own

The dinosaur uprising isn't all bad. If it comes soon enough we might not have to sit through Jurassic Park 4 (Spielberg the genius that he is, is still mostly terrible at sequels and we'd much rather fight actual dinosaurs than see the Jurassic Park series get the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull treatment.) But then again who really knows what could happen. Even the foremost experts can only present theories. For all we know dinosaurs could be as super awesome and radical as most fourth graders and the Land Before Time speculate, they could even bring world peace...

But yeah probaly not...

Don't say you weren't warned...