Washington, D. C.

Welcome to the guide for everything you need to know about our nations capitol. Haha, actually thats a lie. Whatever

Thos guys aren't actually military. They are just the locals

George Lucas wanted this to be the inside of the Sarlaac Pit...until he was reminded that Tatoonie was a barren wasteland desert planet.

Just The Facts

  1. Washington D.C. is our nations capital
  2. Dang that sucks
  3. Washington D.C. has a lot of unique buildings

History

The history of the District of Columbia is deeply rooted in Indians. The feather kind. Native Americans apparently were running their wild buffalo hunting contry from DC as early as 3050 B.C. ( But then again, who knows. The tribes alive today sure dont). Two native tribes lived in this area: the Patawomech tribe lived on the South side. The Piscataway:

were the snobbish northeners. Those dirty northerners. We get it, you're dog lovers, but thats just not nice to do to cats. Oh wait, maybe it was some ritual you did if a cat crossed your path. Rather than get all wussy and find a retardedly out of the way route like most white people, the Piscataway handle it properly.

Eventually after many years of peaceful co-exsistence, John Smith and his boys showed up and did what all European settlers did best: broke out into song.

After taking all the gold and become filthy millionaires, they kindly asked the Indians to leave. And they did. Or something like that. Anyway, more whities eventually showed up and took over the whole east coast of this new wonderful country. When they finally decided to be a free country they ( and by they i mean the fore fathers) they knew they needed a capital city. A place that would represent all the ideals of this new born country. A city place so amazing and awe-inspiring people would be modeling everything after it for ages.

Knowing that all the different states/colonies/whatever would want the capitol in their state, the guys in charge decided to create a new ...area for the capital. It needed to be central so Maryland and Virginia donated land. All the citizens refered to the place as Washington, in honor of their demi-god General Washington. A general so ruthless he was known to eat his foes with his wooden teeth all while throwing chunks of metal at them from across rivers. He was one tough mother. Washington in all his humility called the place, the federal district.

The land that was donated for Washington was oddly enough a swamp land. What better place to represent this newest country than a disease infested swamp.

Current

Our nations capital is home to roughly 591,833 people. Half are black. Not that that has anything to do with it. Just thought I would throw that in there. White people are next with 39% followed closely by whites non hispanics???? WTF? A white non hispanic? why does everything so have to be technical.

Washington D.C. is a gigantic tourist spot. Many people will come from all around the country and even the world to visit the many museums and monuments that are found there. Some of the more popular monuments are those celebrating the life of some of our coutnries greatest presidents. THey are honored with gigantic replica's of themselves:

THe wonderful Abe. Who single handedly defeated the south in the civil war. With friggin stone hands that big he can do anything single handedly. Seriously. Ever see that episode of Dexters Lab where lincoln fought washington? it was intesne!

Jefferson: The president who freed the slaves...wait no. He slept with slaves. Thats right. Crazy old white guy. He did write the Declaration of independence. Its on that wall behind him. They actually sent that giant stone to the King. Thats what took is soooo long to get to England.

Finally the Number 1 presidednt, in both position and awesomeness:

The Great George Washington. Some people think the Washington monument is dumb cause it doesnt look anything like the guy. But what they dont realize is that Mr. Washington is in his disguise. Thats right. Prez-formers!! He transforms from awesome genereal president, to giant stone Obelisk. You cant beat that. Think of how usefull that form is. He can stay put. He can stand straight up into the air. He can be surrounded by patriotism. And did I mention it also represents his manlyness....think about it. See!

Conclusion

Washington D.C. is a great place to visit. Heaven help if you actually live there. If you are visiting, i beg of you to avoid K street. Dont go down it, especially at dusk. Forget vampires or hobos. You got worse problems:

Yes those are men.

Visit the many monuments, there are more than I highlighted above. There are many monuments dedicated to our countries soldiers. Some of the finsest humans ever. Give yourself time to actually read the words some worker carved into all the monuments. He took time to put them there. Take the time to read them. D.C. can be a swell place... to visit. Seriously dont live there. For being a nations capital i give it

Yup. Thats right. 5 stars. It would have gotten 7 but there arent enough animatronics. After visitng disney world i expected Lincoln to at least get up and do a jig.