Viral Videos

Viral videos are like loose women. They get so much more action than regular videos. Have you seen that sneezing panda video? What a skank.

Just The Facts

  1. Thanks to Youtube, fame is now officially more easily-attainable than herpes.
  2. It's just as hard to get rid of, too. It does not come off with soap and hot water.
  3. Fame=Herpes. This is the meaning behind "viral" videos.

Cracked on Viral Videos

Ever since the invention of the portable video camera, people been videotaping pretty much everything. Not until the later invention of the internet have these people had a platform for publicly humiliating whichever poor bastard happens to simultaneously light himself on fire, fall off a ladder and land balls-first on a running chainsaw... on camera.

"Shit! Shit! Shit!"

If you're this person, no worries! The money your buddy makes from his new Youtube partnership will almost certainly cover the cost of your casket and his expensive drug habit.

What? Money? These are filled with cocaine.

At any rate, it doesn't take a whole lot of talent to be popular on the internet. Star wars kid is a living, mouth-breathing testament to this. He recorded himself flailing a golf ball retriever like a lightsaber dumbass on a school-issued camera. The next person to borrow the camera saw the footage, and in what is known as the dick move of the century, uploaded it to Kazaa. That was 900 million views ago. Now that the video has been laughed at by a good portion of the world's population, Star Wars Kid has no choice but to wear the video like a chastity belt.

At least he'll always have his virginity to keep him company.

Viral videos also have a tendency to reveal some disturbing trends in our society. About 85% of all viral videos teach the same profound lesson: Guard your balls. Yeah, that's a sentence made of links. Got a problem? Go ahead and watch them all. We'll wait.

Done? Pop quiz. What two things do all of these videos have in common? That's right: smashed nuts and a 6-digit view count. Let's face it. We as a society have a morbid affinity for watching people get sterilized. Move over baseball, we have a new national pastime.

"You're out!"