Guy Fawkes

Guy Fawkes (April 13th, 1570 - January 31, 1606) was a Catholic bomb plotter who attempted to assassinate King James I and most of Parliament by blowing them straight to hell with 36 barrells of Gunpowder.

The face that would launch a thousand hippies.

its my anonymous

now if only the guy who wrote the thing would admit to writing it...

Just The Facts

  1. Guido Fawkes was a militant Catholic who wanted to restore England to a more conservative Catholic rule.
  2. The foiled plot to blow up Parliament and assassinate the King became known as the Gunpowder Plot.
  3. The Roman Catholic Church and the Pope are not widely known for anarchist tendencies.
  4. The celebrations in England (on the 5th of November) are called Bonfire Night. They do NOT celebrate Fawkes or his achievements but rather the plot bieng foiled and King James saved.
  5. Fawkes is often burned in effigy on Bonfire Night. These effigies are traditionally made by children. It has become customary to throw on other figures in Effigy onto the fire. Other figures tend to include the Pope and contrmporary politicians.
  6. Fawkes was popularized by the comic book V For Vendetta. This comic was created by Alan Moore and David Lloyd. It was Lloyd who suggested the Fawkes image. The comic book was later made into a movie which Alan Moore claims to hate.
  7. In the grand spirit of social unrest, Fawkes image has been optioned by the computer hacker group Anonymous as well as the Occupy Wall Street movement.

The Real Guy Fawkes

Guy Fawkes (also known as Guido Fawkes) originally hailed from York in England. This is interesting for two reasons. First, Fawkes was born into a family that was loyal to the Church of England and not to Catholics. Second, this is fascinating because modern day Guidos now hail from Jersey as opposed to York. It was Fawkes' step father who was Catholic. Fawkes himself later rather violently converted. With his new found religious zeal, Fawkes decided to fight for the cause of Catholicism in Spain against the Protestant Dutch. This was a conflict that was known as the Eighty Years War. Fawkes did not serve all Eighty Years of the conflict. After his part in the conflict, Fawkes would return to England. Elizabeth I had passed on and James I was coronated as the King of England. There was hope among the Catholics that James would return England to Catholicism or at the very least be kinder to Catholics. This hope was based on the fact that James' mother was in fact Catholic. No one bothered to check on whether James actually liked his mother. There was a general sense of disappointment among Catholics that James decided continued persecution was a rousing good idea. Around this time, Fawkes came to the notice of Robert Catesby. Catesby and around eleven of his friends were convinced that the woman third in line to the throne (ironically Princes Elizabeth) was best suited to be Queen and restore the Catholics to a status above 'collecting piss orally' and 'whipped openly in the streets.' Fawkes (who seemed up for any type of zealous insanity) was all aboard.

The Gupowder Plot

Catesby and his band of merry heterosexual Catholics decided to bomb Parliament on the one day that they knew King James would be in attendance. This would be the opening day of Parliament. Bieng the time in which it was, the opening was delayed until the 5th of November due to Plague concerns. No one seemed concerned about the whole place blowing up until a letter arrived to a member of the House of Lords stating that it would be a jolly good idea to call in Plague ridden that day. Just a heads up, you know. If you would like to not be blown up... then well hinty hint hint hint. The letter made it all the way to King James. They searched the basement and (low and behond) found this chap Fawkes waiting to detonate 36 barrells of possibly ineffective gunpowder. Fawkes stated his name to be John Johnson possibly hoping to use Bender as a campaign manager in the year 3000. He was immeadiately brought before King James in which he cooly told the King (presumably without counsel) that he (johnson) had every intention of assassinating the King and most of the House of Lords. James I saw that Fawkes / Johnson / William H. Bonney had spunk. King James admired his spunk. King James would go on to destroy it, but by the Protestant God and everything that was Protestant Holy...HE LIKED IT. So, King James authorized that Fawkes be tortured till he talked. As an olive branch, the good men with black hoods were advised to start with the lighter tortures and move on from there. Research did indicate whether or not Dick Cheney is a fan of King James I. The lighter tortures included smacking Fawkes around a bit and putting manacles on him. The heavier stuff involved being stretched on the rack until he talked about every assassination attempt from King James I to John F. Kennedy. For Fawkes to give out his real name and the names of all of his conspirators, the whole process took a little under three days.

Trial, Execution, and Bonfires

Fawkes did not lack some plated brass stones. He had admitted to the King's face that his only regret was not throwing him on top of a cinder pile. Fawkes then proceeded to tell all about the plot and the conspiracy. When it came time to be tried, Fawkes stated that he was in fact not guilty. Unfortunately, the trial had a pretty pre-determined punishment in mind and everyone involved was to be tortured, hung, and then drawn and quartered. Part of the festivities reported included cutting off genitalia and waving said genitalia in front of the doomed prisoners. There is no word on whether or not afterwards small English children in remote country side were allowed to claim the genitals and use them for playful sword fighting. Fawkes apparently had no urge to be hung and even less urge to have his own penis waived in front of him (presumably which local young ladies mocked him). So in the name of prudency, Fawkes launched himself head first from the gallows. There are no contemporary reports whether or not he went out with all of the style of a half gainer with a twist. He did land breaking his neck and dying. No word on whethe the games of Dick Wars were carried out anyway. Bonfires had been lit on the 5th of November to celebrate the saving of the King. The 5th of November was the day that Fawkes was discovered. In later years, effigies of Fawkes were thrown on top of the yearly bonfires (sometimes accompanied by effigies of the Pope and comtmporary policticians.) At any rate, the actual Guy Fawkes died January 31st 1606.

V For Vendetta and The Restoration of Fawkes

Between 1982 and 1985, Alan Moore and David Lloyd released V For Vendetta in which an anarchist named V (Roman Numeral possibly a reference to 5 or the 5th of November) actually does blow up Parliament and several other buildings. But blowing up goverment buildings is OK because this is a facist England after a nuclear war and V is only really killing really bad people anyway. Lloyd gave V a Fawkes look and mask because he did not feel someone should really be condemned for eternity for something as trivial as trying to kill the King and blow up Parliament. After all, Fawkes was hailed as being "the only man ever to enter Parliament with honest intentions." Originally, the comic was set in 1997 (which is a pretty popular date for pre-1997 apocalypses). But if your not really a 'reader,' then a movie was conviently made to inspire you in 2006. The movie starred Elrond / Mr. Smith /The Red Skull / Hugo Weaving and Princess Amidala / Padme Skywalker / Hey ! The girl that did the hot lesbian scene Natalie Portman. Of course in the movie, she is shaved as bald as that Indian chick from Star Trek: The Motion Picture / Ripley in Alien 3 / most every girl in an adult fetish magazine. So you get the rise of "Dude, this Fawkes guy was like this V guy and this Guy was totally a bitchin' anarchist. Awesome.. you gonna finish that whole joint?" So someone that wanted to bomb Parliament and the English monarchy back about a hundred years is now the literally face of anarchy. The hacker group Anonymous then took on Fawkes visage as its moniker and then came Occupy Wall Street wearing Fawkes masks in protest of corporate greed. They wear replicas of the exact mask from the movie V For Vendetta so in most cases, they are lashing out against coporate greed by buying masks from Time Warner. Awesome. The good news is that character rehabilitation can take centuries but can happen for practically anyone. In hundreds of years for example we might be celebrating such actually successfull bombers like Timothy McViegh, Osama Bin Laden, or even Ted Kaczynski. And since it is all Time Warner anyway (that is behind apparently the destruction of modern coporations and greed) there exists a distinct possibility that one day we could see a far flung future of V Vs. Jason X.