Tyra Banks

Tyra Banks is a talk show host, "singer", "actress", "businesswoman", and first black model. But she already told you that, didn't she?

No, it's not airbrushed! How dare you, you racist!
No, it's not airbrushed! How dare you, you racist!
A young, rather sexy Tyra.
A young, rather sexy Tyra.
...And then she realized she had become famous.
...And then she realized she had become famous.

Just The Facts

  1. First African American woman to appear on the cover of Sport's Illustrated Swimsuit Issue and GQ.
  2. Host of America's Next Top Model, a show that aims to recruit new blood and teach them to be "fierce" AKA groveling Tyra worshippers.
  3. Has a talk show in which she discusses how people are "haters" and her bowel movements.
  4. Favorite words are "me" and "I".

America's Next Top Model

Or as teen girls call it, "ANTM". A quick summary of the show: 13 or so girls aged 18-21 are put in a house covered with giant framed photos of Tyra. (on a side note, it would be helpful to mention that the eyes are cut out and the photos scream insults throughout the day. "PUT DOWN THAT GRAPE YOU FATTY.") The girls are treated to luxuries that real models don't have, like jacuzzis and a catwalk in the middle of the living room. Fighting is a must, so all phones and electronics are confiscated. The hormone-charged girls will scuffle as predicted over a dirty kitchen or a misunderstood comment. Usually around the 4th or 5th cut there will be a fight over race, usually when a ghetto girl starts to instigate a discussion of how their ancestors hated each other, whitey is keeping them down, etc., usually with some random white girl who thinks she can reason. Tyra is there as always, saying "not enough neck" and "when I was your age I was grateful for what I had" and the like. She then proceeds to force the girls to chop off their hair for the sake of looking fierce. Why she gave that one girl a creepy chinese bowl cut will never be explained.You wan rice wit dat?

At the end of every show everyone is ushered to meet "The Panel" which consists of a wannabe ghetto transvestite: "Miss Jay", Nigel Barker: a photographer who is actually married with kids, but looks pretty skeevy between Jay and Twiggy, who is a little old lady who just wants to get back to her knitting and romance novel. (Note: Twiggy replaced Janice Dickinson, you know, that bee stung creature her naturally perky and perfectly round breasts? She challenged Tyra too much, so she was done away with. Did Janice choose to appear on "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Outta Here?" and have awful allergies and alarming diarreaha? I THINK NOT.) Next to the guest judge who does basically nothing is Tyra, the modeling messiah. She introduces the judges in a retarded elegant accent, and recites the modeling prizes: 100,000 dollars with CoverGirl, a magazine cover, and other stuff. Then they are shown the pictures they took the week before and are criticized. Tyra argues with the judges on who should be banished and the verdict is announced. Very slowly. "The......person.........who............won't..............continue............on.............to................ the............ next.......... round............is.............______." Crying ensues (oh, no, not sadness! What do you think this is? Full House?) and the girl packs her bags, sniffeling on how she wanted this so badly. That's every episode. Watch at your own risk.

HOW DARE YOU TAKE A BAD PHOTO! WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE... blahblahblah.

Her Talk Show! And Other Things Nobody Really Cares About.

Why yes, Tyra does have a talk show! But who really watches it? Probably people on welfare and nursing homes, because I'm sure most people would rather watch HSN than this crap. She spent a whole episode talking about the workings of her body, and regularly features prostitutes and people like that on her show. There's not much else to say now, is there? It's like Maury, but less entertaining and more vomit-inducing.

get ready for this.