For godsake, save yourself the social embarrassment... make sure you know the top 10 Facebook status DON'Ts!
Face it. You're addicted to the News Feed. When it first came out, you thought it was a bunch of crap. 'So-and-so just updated their profile picture.' 'Joe Shmoe is now friends with John Smith.'
"They call this stuff news??" you thought. But then they came out with the facebook "status." Your AIM away messages had found a new home! You also had a place to share kick-ass Youtube videos and links to the newest Cracked articles.
Ah, the status box. Your little social outlet. It was perfect.
Until your friends' started raping the hell out of their status boxes. It started with maybe one or two posts a week. Then some started posting once a day. Now they're posting multiple times an hour. Your head, as if it contains a mind of its own, is repeatedly pounding itself against a wall.
Okay, maybe you haven't gone quite that far. I mean you aren't really irritated by everything your friends have to say, right? . . . Anyway, let's review the top 10 biggest status mistakes so you don't go making them yourself.
#10 Begging for Compliments
"I don't know how fat people deal. I feel fat and I'm skinny! At least I used to be..."
"Oohh my gosh! ! ! 10 days til summer and I'm soooo not beach ready!!"
"Tryin out the new goatie"
::follows with self-taken headshot, looking slightly away from camera::
Look, if we're your Facebook friends, we already know you're insecure. You don't need to flaunt it all over the internet. Now step away from the hand mirror and go do some crunches and shave your hideous face and you'll feel all better.
#9 Back-Handedly Lashing Out at One Particular Person by Speaking in Generalizations
"Some people think they can steal their friends' phone and send messages and photos to their other friends and that the person they stole it from will still be their friend afterwards. . . but they're wrong."
"Yo people no one cares about your new Camero.. enuff with the pics.. just sayin'"
Chances are you're going to get all up in the person's face about your gripes anyway. . . and we'd really find a bar fight much more entertaining than your cowardly comments. . . so leave the trash talk on the streets, please.
#8 Commenting on the Weather
"Dude it's freakin hot out"
"omg when will this rain stop? I need sunshine in my liiiife!"
"I hate snow"
Seriously, we neeeed these comments to share with the bank tellers, check-out clerks and people in line at the grocery store with whom we share nothing else in common. Don't wear them out on Facebook.
#7 Starting an Argument Over Sports
"I still stand behind all of Strawberry's decisions. Best player the American League has ever seen, hands down. Anyone who disagrees is fucking mental."
"Thank God baseball season is almost over. Football's clearly the best sport! And fuck you English twats, 'football' is American football and 'soccer' is soccer! P.s. Go Eagles!!"
Here's another one to save for the bar. . . not Facebook.
#6 Multiple One-Word Updates of your Location Every Day
Do you really want everyone on Facebook to know you model your life after the cast of The Jersey Shore?
#5 Complaining about Reeaaallly Mundane Shit
"I'm sooooo bored!"
"Ugghh at work but just want to naaappp"
"Cat peed on the rug again"
"He ALWAYS puts the silverware back in the wrong drawer!"
Oh stop it. I stubbed my toe on the door the other day. Did anyone need to hear about it??? No. So I kept it to myself. (But damn I feel a lot better now that I got that out).
#4 Being a Total Hypocrite
"Geez, there's an earthquake and everyone just runs to their computers to update their statuses. How sad."
"Some girls are so catty. Sarah, you're the only one I can trust. BFF!!"
"I don't see why dudes feel the need to tell everyone on facebook that their goin' to the gym every time they go to the gym. Maybe I'm just in a bad mood tho. Goin' for a run to blow off steam.. bbl"
You get the picture on this one. Or do you?...
#3 PDA for No Good Reason
"omg my boyfriend is soooos sweet.. best date ever I love you hunny! SMOOCHES!!"
"<3 <3 he's all I'll ever need <3 <3"
Please remove your cyber tongue from your boyfriend's virtual balls. When you get engaged, tell us about it. Otherwise we're going to have to listen to this crap and then read about your break-up 3 months later and really we just don't give a crap.
#2 Expressing Moods Via Shitty Quotations or Played Out Song Lyrics
"IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII. . . have become.. . comfortable numb."
"It's a beautiful daaaay! Don't let it get awaaaay!"
"Cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort, suffocation, no breathing don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding. . ."
From overly happy to suicidal, neither status is worth my time. It's just. . . there's hotlines for these things, ya know? Geez I'm sorry. Please don't kill yourself over this article for chrissake, I don't need that on my conscience.
While I'm on the insensitive bent, let's finish with this last one.
#1 Attempting to Communicate with Dead Pets Via Facebook Status
"RIP Smokey. You were the best cat who ever lived. I know you're in kitty heaven now."
"Sorry we had to put you down, Hunter. It was just time. We'll miss you always. Woof!"
That's all very sweet and sentimental. . . but your pet could hardly figure out what the hell you were trying to communicate to it even while it was alive. Hate to break it to ya, but your Facebook status is not a wormhole to the afterlife. Say your prayers in your bedroom.
Smokey the Dead Cat.