Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris facts are now a hit on the internet, and apparently they're supposed to be funny, so what better place to find them than a humor website?

Chuck Norris will kill you if you don't bow down and weep for him every time his name is mentioned.

Just The Facts

  1. If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
  2. There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
  3. Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
  4. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
  5. Chuck Norris is suing MySpace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
  6. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
  7. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
  8. When the Bogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks the closet for Chuck Norris.
  9. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
  10. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
  11. Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
  12. Chuck Norris doesn't sleep. He waits.
  13. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law & Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  14. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
  15. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
  16. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't pushing himself up, he's pushing the earth down.
  17. Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the head.
  18. Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
  19. Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
  20. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
  21. Chuck Norris doesn't get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
  22. Contrary to popular belief, America isn't a democracy, it's a Chucktatorship.
  23. Chuck Norris grinds coffee with his teeth and boils water with is own rage.
  24. Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
  25. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
  26. The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
  27. Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
  28. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
  29. Chuck Norris won American Idol by using only sign language.
  30. Ghosts sit around the campfire and tell Chuck Norris strories.
  31. Chuck Norris created fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.
  32. Chuck Norris smashed a mirror over a black cat's head while standing under a ladder, then won the lottery.
  33. If they made a movie of Chuck Norris standing still, it would be rated R for extreme violence.
  34. Chuck Norris died twenty years ago, Death just hasn't built up the courage to tell him yet.
  35. Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

Cracked on Chuck Norris

Well...sorry, but we kind of ran out of things to say about him in the "Just the Facts" section. Hey, I know, how about some real facts? Eh? Eh? You know, like how Carlos Ray "Chuck" Norris served in the United States Air Force before beginning his rise to fame as a martial artist and has since founded his own school and...

No please, really! I was just...just...PLEASE!