Tom Green

Tom Green is the man who goes to extreme lengths to prove that yes, Canadians can in fact be assholes too!

5 hours in MS paint

Artists rendition of how 20th century comedy may have looked.

Just The Facts

  1. Tom Green is Canadian.
  2. Tom Green is a mammal.
  3. Tom Green's humor is "edgy."

Pre-MTV

Tom Green was hewn from the primal elements of nature in the year of our lord "The 70s". It is then said he went shambling wild through the cryptic, enchanted forests and tundras that occupy the American imagination when confronted with the word "Canada." (citation needed)

The Tom Green Show

It was in January 1999 that Tom Green got his show on MTV (The Tom Green Show, not The Green Tom Show). He then wasted no time securing America's attention by sucking cow teats, humping a dead moose, embarrassing his parents with obscene statues/airbrushed-lesbian-car-murals, and being loud in public. As his fame grew it increasingly became more difficult for him to trick people into thinking he wasn't "that MTV jerk", so he had to target the non-MTV viewing demographic: the elderly.

You should fall into one of two groups after seeing that clip: those that think Tom Green is funny or those that outgrew the first group on their 15th birthday. That should about sum it up... Oh. Yeah then, to prove no bad deed goes unpunished, God kicked him in the nuts....with cancer.

The Cancer Special

In an effort to discredit Cancer, its nemesis, Science gave it to Tom Green, who thought it would be funny to stuff it in his pants. In March 2000, America fell silent when confronted with the news that Tom Green had testicular cancer, then snickered a bit and asked "really?"

"Oh my balls, my bally bally ball-balls! BALLS!!!!!!1111one"

"Oh my balls, my bally bally ball-balls! BALLS!!!!!!1111one"

Ever the showman, Tom produced a one-hour show documenting his struggle with cancer by having a camera present at his medical exams, interviews, sperm donations, and as he explains it to anyone who will listen. But the real juicy part of the program is that it had the balls to show the doctors removing lymph nodes from his abdomen to check if the cancer had spread. Then, for the audience at home, the removed ball and nodes were broadcast to TVs with the letter 'M' in front of them, and chopped up and felt up and all that junk....scrotum. Fortunately during all of this, Tom was out and wasn't given the opportunity to put the medical waste into his mouth and to spit it onto someone fate-fucked enough to come within sputtering distance of the howling moron. Oh and spoiler alert: if it wasn't implied that he survived to make his struggle public, Tom Green survives.

Freddy Got Fingered

Like the Garth Marenghi and Tommy Wiseau after him, Tom Green knew that great men, write, direct, produce and star in masterpieces that document their epic struggles and tell the world their stories. Freddy Got Fingered was Tom's story.

"The story of a delicate genius"

"The story of a delicate genius."

Ok, that's just shit. It's about a cartoonist who goes to Hollywood to be an animator, fails immediately due to being mentally handicapped/Tom Green and returns home to get into an absurd elevating prank war with his father played by the drunken disorderly himself, Rip Torn. Sounds like silly imitable hijinks, no? But 7 minutes in we are treated with this scene: while driving from Portland to Hollywood in a pleasant traveling line-map montage, Tom sees a horse's dick, slams the brakes, jumps out, runs over a fence and starts jerking the horse's cock. "Woo look at me Daddy, I'm a farmer!" he shouts to no one except the stunned farmhands and shocked audience who at that point should walk out of the movie. Though, one could argue that Tom Green knows how to write/direct/star, unlike David Lynch who made audiences wait through half of "Wild at Heart" to decide "this is crap" and leave. Tom Green tells you right up front "This is crap. Leave." though it's an unfair comparison, seeing as how both David Lynch and Wild at Heart are in fact awesome, it should be known that you are allowed to leave movies in which you're not willing to invest the remaining 80 minutes.

"Turn back before you realise this is all I have written!!!!! AAAHHHH!!!"

"Turn back before you realise this is all I have written!!!!! AAAHHHH!!!"

In another stroke of genius Tom gives the audience another warning to leave in the form of an animation company CEO, critiquing Tom's work."It doesn't make any sense, ok? It's fuckin' stupid, ok? What you need here is elevation, ok? There actually has to be something that happens that's actually funny. What the fuck is happening here?". A grim portent of things to come, as the remainder of the film is Tom working his lungs and acting like an all out retardicon. but some things hit home, you know, socially ignorant manchild, unemployed, living at home, suffering from self-esteem problems related to their status-to-age level...... not really doing anything......staying up all night hammering out articles about hack comedians for a comedy website......heh.... although it did win some awards.

Marriage to Drew Barrymore

So yeah, at some point that happened.

Love as seen through the haze of Booze, dumb and wandering eyeballs.

Love as seen through the haze of Booze, dumb and wandering eyeballs.

Which had predictable results.

Legacy

His ball destroyed, Barrymore buried, and show canceled, Tom seemed to have run his course like an intestinal parasite. After he fell from the collective unconscious of popular culture, it's difficult to say what actually happened to Tom Green. Oh sure, there's Tomgreen.com where he hosts a little make believe talk show in his home, taking 4 second unscreened phone calls, broadcasts it via webcam , hosts old skits he produced while at MTV and charges $5.95 a month for access. Frankly if you can't kill boars for phat loot, kill your opponents with head to head teabagging or see high quality videos of barely legal teens fighting in bathrooms, its not worth the time or money. However all that said Tom Green's impact on entertainment for years to come can be easily seen. He set the stage for Will Ferrell, who would use his blank check to run around and scream in the name of "comedy." His Reckless pursuit of shock value made MTV think Jackass was a great idea. He showed would be pranksters, like Bam Margera, that parents are the least litigious marks you could embarrass. So the next time you find yourself bemoaning the state of American comedy, "Blame Canada."

Everyone else does....

Everyone else does it.