Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise is Jesus but from outer space. So Jesus. But in modern times. And he knows the Beckhams. Top that, Messiah.

Tom Cruise thinks you're just aces!

Just The Facts

  1. In the 80's, 90% of all vaginated life was in love with Tom Cruise
  2. Starred in The Outsiders, feauring Patrick Swayze, Ralph "Karata Kid" Macchio, Rob Lowe and Emilio Estevez. It's gayness was visible from space.
  3. Top Gun was and continues to be fucking awesome. Days of Thunder was shit.

The Actor

Tom Cruise has been a prolific actor since the early 80's where, on camera, he looked like this:


On purpose, kids

His expression suggests he needs to loosen his hands


And like this;

Pants?  Don't need 'em.

and like this;


Rumors of gayness began to circulate but so far our research team has been unable to determine why.  On an unrelated note, Tom Cruise is hugging a fucking unicorn in the above photo.


In the 1990'a Cruise's sexuality took a back burner to his desire to make you, the audience, feel uncomfortable and awkward as seen here;

why is this happening

why is this happening?

and here;

your boyfriend looks sad, ma'am

your boyfriend looks unhappy, ma'am

and here;

my, what a dapper vest

my, what a dapper vest


For the year 2000 and beyond Cruise again changed his approach to filmmaking and opted to make shitty movies like Vanilla Sky, War of the Worlds and two more godforsaken Mission: Impossible movies.  It was also during this time that Cruise decided to speak more in public.  This was a poor decision.

The Lunatic

In 2005, Tom Cruise attempted to murder Oprah Winfrey with the frantic power of his massive mind.  This process, known as "Scanning," is not as easy as Cruise had anticpated, the result of which was a frenzied sort of dance about the set of the Oprah Winfrey show culminating in Cruise rage humping a sofa.  It is unknown if the sofa survived.


Later, Tom Cruise is accosted by a prankster who squirts him with a fake microphone.  Cruise calls him out and later has the man beaten to death by John Travolta.


Later still, Cruise's bloodlust is yet unsatisfied as destroying a nameless Euro reporter with a squirt gun means nothing.  The actor sets his sites on bigger fish, the glib Matt Lauer, known for his glibness and his tendency to be glib.  That glib fucker would learn his lesson.

After spouting some nonsense about psychology of physiotherapy or something else Cruise has no background in beyond what he may have learned from a dead science fiction author, Cruise prepares to actually eat Lauer whole by unhinging his jaw like some sort of massive snake that pretends to be married to Katie Holmes.  Actual video of the devouring was unavailable but you get the idea.


Sated only in the sense of having fed, Cruise turned his siights on humanity as a whole, punishing any who dare gaze upon his terrible visage by performing this horrifying and spastic ritual.


The Savior

Tom Cruise is involved with a group called Scientology who you may or may not have heard of as they tend to keep a low profile and don't generally bother others.  According to some reports, Tom Cruise is their Jesus.  No word on whether or not this means he will one day try to kick money-lenders out of Salt Lake and then be nailed to a fence by Mormons.