Titanic

The Titanic was a shitty movie released in 1997 about a whore named "Rose" who destroys everything she touches. The movie also mentions the story of the actual unsinkable ship The RMS Titanic and how it was one of the biggest fuck ups of all time.

Did I say

To you this looks like an iceberg. To the titanic, it's fucking Krpytonite.

Just The Facts

  1. TheTitanic sank on April 14th 1912.
  2. 1,517 people were killed (68.2% of the passangers).
  3. The majority of the deaths were caused by hypothermia.

The "Plot"

Instead of focusing on the actual historical event of the sinking which claimed the lives of 1,500 people, the movie treats that as a side plot and instead focuses on a love-story between Kate Winslet who plays Rose and Leonardo DiCaprio who plays the wise talking drifter artist Jack Dawson. Kate Winselt is marrying a steel tycoon named Caledon "Cal" Hockley (who is played by Billy "The Phantom" Zane).

At the end of Titanic, you realize that you just sat through 194 mintues of a James Cameron movie that didn't have Aliens, Cybernetic Killing Machines or chest bursting gore. It did have the White Star Line, which was essentially Titanic's Weyland. What would have been a redeaming quality of the movie was the presence of Bill Paxton on the treasure hunting boat in 1996. What would have made Titanic better is if Bill Paxton had been murdered by xenomorph killing machines, it would have gone up 1or 2 stars in my book.


The Sinking

The Titanic was designed by Thomas Andrews, Jr. to be "unsinkable". He partioned the Titanic into several water tight compartments with steel doors that could be shut in case of a hull breach or flood. There was just one problem, the water could overflow from compartment to compartment slowly filling the ship with icy death. To give the man credit, he went down with his ship and felt bad about his failure.

To give you a good hard example of what type of leadership the Titanic was under, here is a quote from a senior staff member, see if you can guess who it was:

" When anyone asks me how I can best describe my experience in nearly forty years at sea, I merely say, uneventful. Of course there have been winter gales, and storms and fog and the like. But in all my experience, I have never been in any accident... or any sort worth speaking about. I have seen but one vessel in distress in all my years at sea. I never saw a wreck and never have been wrecked nor was I ever in any predicament that threatened to end in disaster of any sort."

If you guessed Captain EJ Smith, you were right. His talent for statistical inference was somewhere between Homer Simpson and a jar of mayoniese . He used his past experiences (or lack there off) as a justifiable measure of why it was okay to power away at wreckless, breakneck speeds with a 46,328 ton luxry liner through Ice Berg filled waters. By his logic, if I spend a lot of time on planes it's okay to fly right into a thunderstorm because if I've never seen or been involved in any type of areial accident I guess that means it can't happen.

The Slut

Rose DeWitt Bukater is arugably the main character. The story is told in a painful flash back form as a 101-year old Rose shows a group of treasure hunters her early 20th century center fold they found at the bottom of the Titanic wreck in 1996. As if Rose's name wasn't a reason to hate her enough already, she does enough emotional damage on the ship to make Courtney Coxx look like Princess Diana.

As Rose tells her story, we find out that the only reason she is marrying her fiance"Cal" is so his money can pay her debts. Imagine a bitch marrying you cause her FICO score sucked? It's what freecreditreport.com commericals warn you about. As if this wasn't bad enough, Rose then cheats on her husband to be with a starving-artist drifter. They make the equvilant of a 1912 Fuck Tape when Rose has Jack sketch her naked. Cal flips a shit and tries to have Jack killed. I fail to see how this makes him the bad guy. Rose is the money-slut cheating whore and Jack is the home wrecking homeless person she is having unprotected sex with. I'd kill both of them.